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Original poster

Today I failed as a feminist.

160 replies

youngblowfish · 22/06/2012 21:59

I am a feminist and have a 14 month old DS. DH and I share childcare as my work is flexible and he gets a lot of time off.

Today during an argument, I realised that DH has not cooked a single meal for DS since he was born. Somehow, I shouldered the burden of feeding our child entirely, although we both work FT, without even realising it! How did that happen? Damn you, patriachy!

Just needed to vent - I am really disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 23/06/2012 04:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
youngblowfish · 22/06/2012 22:46

Bertie, a lot of these things are overlooked. Here is an interesting, if somewhat depressing survey on who clips baby's nails.

I don't expect equality in my marriage - without DH's salary we'd go under, while I am not sure we would notice if I was not earning, so there are basic economic considerations which put me in the position of being the main carer. But we are meant to be sharing childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
youngblowfish · 22/06/2012 22:36

Lynette, I don't mind cooking. Sometimes I enjoy it and DS is a blissfully good eater, but being the only one who does it just takes an awful lot of my mental energy. DH is a great cook and used to do the majority of the cooking before DS and still cooks for us a lot.

TBH, I am not really interested in necessarily laying the blame at mine or DH's door for being a failure in one respect or another. What I do find alarming is that it happened without anyone noticing! I really could be doing other things in the time I spend meal-planning - I have papers to write, conferences to plan, people to teach, the world to change. All of these things won't happen by themselves while I bake organic sugar-free carrot cakes, will they?

What was also very funny was DH telling me how he found looking after DS 'relaxing'. I think I would too if somebody else took all the meal planning and preparation out to it! Shame I do not believe in reincarnation, I could always plan to come back as a father.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/06/2012 22:35

I think it's interesting how we overlook these kinds of things and - while I don't think it's a failing (I agree with HotDamn!) it is a good example of noticing the effects that patriarchal views/systems etc have on our lives and even if that is minor I don't see why you shouldn't try to redress the balance. I think that in a lot of families women automatically undertake responsibility for things to do with children that really if you had thought about it logically there was no reason not to share.

The other day we had loads of washing up left to do and were half heartedly arguing over who should do it. DP piped up "Well I've only used two plates out of all of that!" and I replied "Yeah, but most of it was used by DS, not me" - he'd basically forgotten that cleaning up after DS is as much his responsibility as it is mine! (DS is too young to wash up himself.) He did agree as soon as I'd said it though and we split it between us in the end.

LynetteScavo · 22/06/2012 22:28

Ah, X-posted. If he's a better cook than you, he certainly should pull his finger out. There is no point in one partner doing somthing the other partner is better at.

LynetteScavo · 22/06/2012 22:25

I presume you don't like cooking then, as I wouldn't have considered feeding my DC a burden (nappy changing yes! - but not cooking for them).

Unless your DH is a bad cook, I see it more as your DH failing as a parent than you failing as a feminist.

If you were the only one to brush your DSs hair/ clean his teeth while your DH just had all the fun, would that also mean you were failing as a feminist, or that your DH wasn't pulling his weight?

I do most of the feeding of our DC, partly because I'm better at it than DH. this does not mean I have succumb to the patriarchy.

Original poster
youngblowfish · 22/06/2012 22:20

Hot, thanks. In my defence, I have been somewhat sleep-deprived, believe it or not. DS only just started sleeping through, which is why I am regaining some sort of clarity.

Back2Two, of course it actually bothers me. It is not just the cooking, it is the planning, shopping and budgeting that goes with it. DH is a better cook than me and could pull his finger out. Meanwhile, I could be making plans to abolish patriarchy. The first six months my body fed the baby all by itself, so I guess my brain just took over that responsibility once the weaning started - which does make me a feminist failure for the last 8 months.

enimmead That goes without saying. He will be getting very well aquatinted with Annabel Karmel .

OP posts:
enimmead · 22/06/2012 22:09

So will DH be cooking more?

Back2Two · 22/06/2012 22:04

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 22/06/2012 22:03

Dude, don't beat yourself up. You get enough of that shit from living in a patriarchy already.

Be proud of yourself for having noticed.

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