Today I failed as a feminist.

I have not emptied a simgle bin of rubbish
Fixed the toilet seats
done any decorating
mowed the lawn

Is this about gender?

I don't, actually, think Relationships are all about Sitting Down Discussing Stuff. (It's always sitting down too, have you noticed? One never discusses stuff in an ambulatory manner.) Sometimes they're just about insisting that men do their fair share of the cooking.

I do, actually, quite like cooking. I am a good cook. I also believe that cooking is one of those fundamental household things that women do far too much of.

Working together...hmm. Not sure about all that. Am clearly Bad Uncommunicative Partner.

Sorry, "disagreeing with" would be better than "criticising".

I just can't see the bit in the OP's conduct you're disagreeing with.

"Equality for me means sharing the earning, cleaning, cooking, child rearing ....whatever-ing. Talking. And doing whatever, whenever to help each other and work together.

IF there was an issue that I felt was a problem (if i felt i was doing too much of one task or whatever) I'd just sort it out with my husband. In a conversation. It would be easy and he would respond without any drama."

Exactly. And this is what the OP has just done.

In order to do this sharing in an equitable manner, one has to be aware of what each partner is doing.

Iiuc, the OP was just expressing her surprise upon realising that she and her DH had fallen into an unequal pattern without either of them noticing. Doesn't sound like there's been any drama in putting it right - but both have reflected on how they fell into this pattern, and why. And shared that musing with MN.

I actually don't understand what you're criticising, Back2Two. But you describe yourself as dissenting so presumably you're criticising something.

What's wrong with you Back2Two?

You seem very upset by this thread.

Is the OP doing feminism wrong?

Youngblowfish - I'm glad you and your DH are tackling this.

My comment about control was not so much that you would unreasonably want to control the cooking, or think that your dH can't do it.

But there will be real issues where you and your DH do disagree over the right way to feed your kid(s) - is desert everyday or a treat? Is McDs ok and how often? Is a chocolate spread sandwich and a packet of crisps a decent packed lunch? When is it ok to eat in front
of the TV? What do you cook from scratch and what comes out of a
packet? ... Tons of questions.... You will disagree on some of them because you were brought up differently. That's when the control thing kicks in. Lots of mums set the rules around food and delegate them to dads. It's the other side of the coin of slipping into doing everything yourself.

I would be careful off both of them.

Enjoy too though!

And wine, too. There must be wine.

I thought this was actually a good illustration of how small things can be part of a much larger issue. And how we may let ourselves slip into the old-fashioned way of doing thingsmum feeding the children when there's a perfectly good dad available to do itwithout thinking about it. Not that mothers can't put meals together, but a couple needs to divide chores up so they're both happy, which might mean inverting the traditional roles, or keeping them, or mixing everything up.

Maybe the sharing of food has a symbolic importance, and we should make a point of involving everyone (adults anyway) in a family in providing it. Because when our half-starved ancestors roamed the savannas, if you managed to find something to eat and shared it with someone else, it was a sacrifice, and a real bond between you. So seeing your partner put a meal on the table for you and your shared children really means a lot. Or perhaps I'm being too fanciful.

There still has to be wine.

"We should all be worrying about much bigger, more important issues."

Do you not understand that that is a slap-down?

Really?

We don't get to decide what is a bigger and more important issue in someone else's relationship. If it matters to one person in the relationship, it matters and has to be dealt with.

We can worry about big important issues and small trivial ones. And we can argue about which is which, but it's possible to worry about world poverty and the bloody sock stuck in the vacuum cleaner hose at the same time.

Am liking the idea of staging a demo in the OP's kitchen. Can you get some lemon drizzle cake in and maybe one of those nice M&S apricot tartes with some creme fraiche?

What an interesting thread.
Some people arguing against this being a feminist issue really made it crystal clear in my mind why it was exactly that.
Well done OP for spotting it and sorting it out. :)

Until the skills required to run a home are elevated ... - from a patriarchal pov, I mean! The whole caboodle needs to be yanked out of the female orbit and placed squarely in the middle of everybody's life.

It's so NOT a non-issue! The point, I think, youngblowfish, is that you and DH realised you had internalised gender roles, which is very easy to do.

During some years when I helped make a significant difference to women's lives, the law and gender expectations, I lived with a man who did absolutely nothing around the house. When I got overwhelmed, I hired people to take some of the load ... but I didn't notice he was receiving unbroken domestic & catering services The extent of it only hit home after we split (I wrote him a manual. He didn't know how to work the appliances or pay the bills.)
Cognitive dissonance a-go-go.

Until the skills required to run a home are elevated from "women's work" to "essential life skills", feminism and women's lives in general are on a back foot.

Another well done for noticing :)

I don't see why "we" need to focus on bigger, more important issues. It's not like all of the feminists on the MN board are planning a march through OP's kitchen in order to highlight this extremely important issue to her DH

I would have thought that it is an extremely good use of the board for indivudual posters to highlight small, everyday issues in their lives which they have noticed as being unequal. As well as getting input into how they can change it themselves, they're highlighting it and other posters, or lurkers, might have a lightbulb moment and think "Oh yeah - I'm always making dinner for DCs!"

As people have pointed out, it may not be an issue for individuals if this has been a conscious choice (such as one partner enjoying cooking more) or if they feel that their DP pulls his/her weight enough in other ways to make up for doing all of the cooking, but for some people it might be an issue they never even realised they had, and so it is worth discussing. Tiny steps are still forward steps!