Am I imagining a 'trend' of excusing misogymy with a lay diagnosis of ASD?

Totally agree with you Triggles. Communication, in any relationship, is key.

but as this thread is specifically about AS and being a feminist, I am arguing that if you want to support women, whether they are in an abusive relationship or in an AS/NT relationship or just in an NT/NT relationship with poor communication, then the way to do it is to empower them. not putting them down/bashing because they have dare mentioning AS.
When someone is an abusive relationship, you know the only thing you can do is to point out the abuse. The rest, the realization it is not acceptable, the strength to get up and leave is up to the woman. It is usually happening either because they suddenly find some inner strength they didn't know they had or because they have reach the bottom of what they can accept and the only way is up.
Empowering people, education is one of the best way to give women this strength (and knowledge that they don't have to put up with it).

When in the first 5 posts, the woman is getting a bashing because she is mentioning AS, what has happened is that she has been put down AGAIN.
So instead of supporting each other we have supported the man who is abusing her (if this is the case), we send her back to being a victim AGAIN (whereas her posting is probably one of the first thing that she has done to empower herself and do something for herself).

I really think that most answers on here on the subject of AS and difficult relationship are done by people who trying to protect themselves/some close ones. They are attacking the OP 'How dare you say ...' in a self defence mechanism but are not supporting the OP in seeing the truth in her relationship.

One can argue that there are some very good reason for that (I can see them) but that has nothing to do with being a feminist and 'not accepting crap from men'.

No, the woman isn't responsible for HIS behaviour, but she IS responsible for hers. Sometimes I think MN has a "leave the bastard" mentality. The man behaves badly (and we are not talking about abusive behaviour), and the women are falling all over each other to tell the woman he might have AS and to leave him as there is nothing she can do. Regardless of whether or not this man may have it (and god knows how these people know just by her perception of his behaviour - they are not doctors), regardless of whether or not her version is actually accurate or coloured by her frustration, regardless of whether or not they have any type of communication in their relationship.

So many of these things would be solved by better communication between the man and woman. Many of them if you post "perhaps you need to sit down with hiim and discuss it," you get roasted with replies about what's the point, he's a dick. Well, okay, if you say so. Or perhaps he simply has no clue she is feeling this way or WHY she is feeling this way. Just because he hasn't read her mind, doesn't mean he's got Aspergers. It actually just means he's not a mind reader.

Because in a normal relationship where there are sometimes arguments and misunderstandings (note - not abusive), the woman IS responsible for communicating clearly, just as the man is. Which means they have to communicate better.

I've been in an abusive relationship, so I'm not saying this from a vacuum. It's not the same situation.

I think some men ( and please take on board the use of the word some) will use it as a get out of jail card. And some women will let them.

That's not to oveqrlook the issues that people on the spectrum have- but it does no one any favours if a lay diagnosis is used to explain away bad behaviour. And women have always found ways to explain away men's bad behaviour. You see it every day one here -"he's tired/stressed at work/I should have..." Add "he's not being a dick,he's got Asperger traits" to the mix and men have got it made!

I don't manage my DH though, aspie or not.

But I do have to manage my behaviour when I am with him because I can not do things exactely the same way as with other people. When i did, everyone was miserable.

So where do you draw the line?

I've never said that women should stay silent. Nor did I say that no one on MN should make any comment.

What I am saying is that 'calm and clear comment' do not have the same meaning for an aspie or an NT person.

You might as clear as water with an NT man but it would still be a muddy message for the aspie.

I do think it's a feminist issue- this whole business of women having to "manage" men and take responsibility for their behaviour. Like that advertisement for some food or other where the woman is talking about feeding "three fussy boys"

Do you think it is good for women in relationships they feel are abusive, unkind, lacking in respect or that just make them feel unappreciated to stay silent?
If someone is upsetting me, I tell them as politely and clearly as possible.
Staying silent for me makes me feel as if I'm condoning the attitude and choices of the person being inconsiderate. Accepting my position of doormat.
But then, I have teenagers. So that may also have an impact on how I see potentially lazy and rude people in my home and whether silence is a good response.

FallenCaryatid, yes but 'talking calmly, unambiguous language' doesn't have the same meaning for an NT or an AS person.

I don't know of any NT person where I should be careful to avoif eye contact when talking about a serious subject for example. Actually that would ahve the opposite effect.

My comment isn't about people who make comments about 'today my DH is being aspie'.

it's about general reaction on MN at the moment. As soon as one writes the word AS, the everyone piles in to give their pov, want to now more to do a 'diagnosis' (No from what you are saying I can tell you he is not aspie) as if they were more able to make a judgement than the OP. Even if they have never met the man in question. Even if, sometimes , the way you write things are not really conveying the whole situation or the OP doesn't mentioned X.

It is about the woman, women who are struggling to make sense to their reality and telling them off the way they are atm isn't helping them.
It isn't helping them to see their DH is abusive if he is or that they would need support/diagnosis if it isn't.

When one is happy to make comment to the OP that she just expects her partner to read her mind, it is sending the OP back to square ne where she is the one responsible of the whole situation.
Except that AS men are known not to read visual clues that NT partner would have understood.
In the end it's not empowering for the woman. On the contrary. And that has the opposite effect than trying to support women to stand up on their won two feet.

Which is back to talking calmly, unambiguous language and explaining how you feel and why what was said or happened was unacceptable.Working out a way fowards through the misunderstandings, offences and upset.
Not just getting stressed and upset and fuming silently.
How can you change something if one person is oblivious to the problem?
Not by thinking 'You are an arse'

And if someone came on and said "my OH is displaying these behaviours, I am concerned something is not right with him" that would be one thing. But generally it's "my OH is being an insensitive asshole" and people say "oh maybe he has AS."

Big difference.

Sorry, but it IS frequently brought up to excuse shitty behaviour on MN regularly now.

BTW, I would also like to point out that looking at an adult who knows they have AS since a child and who has had supportive parents who took time to explain how to do things etc... is a very thing than an adult with undiagnosed AS.

In the latter case, it is likely that the person will have developed coping mechanisms that are actually inappropriate.

On a partner's pov, it is also very likely that their behaviour will be misunderstood by their partner (eg the man who is making inappropriate comments to his wife such as 'You look really big in that dress' could be easily seen as insensitive)
Of course AS people can learn but that if someone at some point has bother to teach them that.

I am quite at some of the comments on this thread, similar to others that I have seen on MN.

It is obvious that no one should tolerate an abusive man.
It is also obvious that 'armchair diagnosis' can make a lot of damage to all people concerned (the woman, people with AS etc...).

However I do have a major problem to be told that my DH is an abusive twat.

I explain. Please look at these 2 situations.

Scenario 1:
You, as a couple, prepare your next holidays. You want to go and see some family on the other side of the country because one very close member of the family is seriously ill with cancer and you know it would be the last opportunity to spend Christmas with him. You discuss that with your DH who refuses saying 'it's just too much hassle'. Big argument following where yu get very angry and emotional and you end stomping upstairs telling him he is just very selfish not to agree on the trip seeing the circumstances. You also remember that your DH has always being difficult re going and seeing your family and you feel he is just very controlling.

Scenario two:
You, as a couple, are looking at the next Christmas. You want to go and see your family but you also know that your DH, who has been diagnosed with AS, is finding that sort of trip very difficult. The sheer number of people in trains etc.. at that time of the year is too much for him. You also know it is a sensitive subject. so you have a chat with him when he is relaxed and yu are both busy with something else. You avoid eye contact. You explain very clearly and in an unemotional way what is going on (your gran is over 90yo and there isn't that many christmas you will be able to spend together). You leave time for him to think and answer. Your DH completely understand and anyway would not stop you from seeing family. You find a way to make the trip as stress free as possible. Also agree to make it a bit shorter, Everybody is happy.

Now you see both scenarios have happened in my house. The first one before the diagnosis, the second after.
In the first case, if I had posted that in 'Relationship' I would have been told he was selfish and controlling. I might even be told that he is abusive just by reading 2 or 3 lines on a screen.
In the second case, both needs were taken into account. This was possible only because we both knew about AS and also we both knew the importance of doing things in a slightly different way that in an NT relationship.

But this is the same man. He didn't change from being an abusive twat to a nice guy.
What change was the diagnosis and the ability to modify our behaviours to take each others needs into account.

Now if I had listen to people here and not done 'my armchair diagnosis', look into AS, give info about AS to DH and nudge him into that direction, he would never have looked at it. He would never have asked for a diagnosis and we would probably have divorced.

Telling off a poster because they say 'Oh I think my DH has AS' isn't the answer. the answer should be:
It is something difficult to diagnose. You might want to ask your DH to do the AQ test. If he scores over 32, then he really should get a diagnosis from a professional.
What we should be happy to do is to support partner of adults who have not yet being diagnosed and don't even know about AS on how to approach the subject so that they can know for sure whether it is AS or not.

I don't think that brushing people of is going to help anyone. Neither the person with undiagnosed AS, not the one who doesn't have AS and is just a twat and certainly not the partner who is living with him and is trying to make sense of what is happening to them.

'A man with ASD who has sex without consent will be convicted of rape and sent to prison as should every other man. That is something all boys need to be taught; regardless of whether or not they have ASD. '

No disagreement there, I hid the thread so I can't go back and check what actually happened as I can't remember the minutia of what was said. However, I did not send any pms, nasty or otherwise as a consequence of the thread.

I remember that thread last month, I was one of the people disagreeing with the language you used. Rapist being one of them.
I'd rather DS was undateable by the wrong sort of partner, it would only break his heart to love someone who played mind games and wanted him to do things he really isn't capable of, then blaming him for his failure.

Starlight It was a thread where the Op said ASD traits and I assumed undiagnosed and said he was being a cock. Others assumed it meant he was diagnosed and therefore unable to do/know differently. I took a pasting in the end.

I think its a feminist issue because it is being used to mask clearly abusive behaviour. It may be that some of these men have ASD but that isn't an excuse legally and it shouldn't be an excuse within a relationship either. I think its actually quite a frightening trend because it allows misogynists to continue being misogynists whilst men with ASD become "undateable" by women worried about their possible behaviour. It's a double edged myth that damages men with ASD and women in abusive marriages.

I just don't understand why some women put up with ignorant, abusive and uncaring relationships, then blame it on ASD traits.
It's not an excuse, if he is on the spectrum it is a key to effect change.
If he isn't then his attitude should be challenged rather than tolerated with a martyred air and an expectation that nothing can be done but leave. Prats shouldn't be helped to be prats.

I married without expecting that I'd change him much.
But it is a relationship built on mutual interests and logic.
And long extensive bouts of hedonistic sex of course. He's always enjoyed getting things right.

I think it was an open question!