I am currently in a psychiatric unit because of my self harm.
My psychologist has asked me to read two books (Susie Orbach - Bodies and Women who Run With the Wolves) and think about them in relation to my own body and feelings.
Reading them and thinking has made me wonder about how I, as a woman, view my own body as a without value and an object for me to do things to rather than to inhabit and be a part of.
I certainly think that in the media there is a strong sense as woman's bodies as objects without meaning behind them.
I consider myself to be a feminist and so I am interested that some of my issues (of course this is not the only reason) may be related to this. I certainly place no value on my body in terms of keeping it safe or secure and I do see it as a vessle to destroy which is quite separate to my own internal being. I often say 'I need to do enough' and 'I need to make it right' which make me wonder why it has to be enough and right on my body. I don't do it for emotional release or to dull internal pain, it is about damage and punishment, and a way to communicate.
Of course self harm is deeper than this and has many many reasons, but I am interested in looking at it like this and wondered if anyone had any other feelings.
Interestingly I am very well 'kept' and for the 6 weeks I have been here (and prior while I was in the community and unwell) I have had my make up done, nice hair, nice clean clothes, showered twice a day. I find the contrast between this and the hand I can barely use because it is so bruised and swollen from shutting it in heavy fire doors to be difficult. Oh and I have been told repeatedly that 'I am a nice girl' and 'I obviously care for myself' because of my make up - despite the very physical damage I do to my body. Which is interesting, like being a nice, good, neat girl makes it ok?
Like I say please please be gentle :)