"I'm really pretty, aren't I mummy?" - correct parental response is...?

27 replies

TheMightyMojito · 08/05/2012 11:44

This from my 3yo. My instant reaction was "oh no, I'm raising a vain/big-headed child!", followed by "I should tell her something like it doesn't matter what you look like" followed by "actually, why should I raise her to be self-effacing, why not let her be confident in her looks?" In the event, I said "yes you are" and gave her a hug. Because to me, obviously, she's beautiful. And who is to judge what 'pretty' is anyway?

I'm over-thinking this, I know, but is that the best line to take? I don't want DD to think her value rests solely on her looks... although she's already got the idea that wearing make-up and dresses makes you 'pretty'. I think today's comment was provoked by the wearing of a new hairband... She's in a phase of saying "I'm really xxxx, aren't I?" be it 'brave', 'clever', whatever. I don't want to undermine her confidence, but do I need to play it down more, or emphasise looks don't matter (which feels pretty hollow as in day to day society they clearly do) or make her aware how it can sound like 'unseemly bragging' to other people? If so, how? I'm posting this in Feminism (first-time poster here, be gentle!) as to me it is a feminist issue - there are so many messages she's going to be bombarded about what she 'should' look like, I don't know how to give her the inner resource to keep her self-esteem intact in the face of all that.

OP posts:

SeaHouses · 08/05/2012 11:53

I would just say yes. But then in general I compliment both DS and DD on their cuteness and attractiveness - lovely lamb, angel and so on. It wouldn't come naturally to me to compliment my children on their innate similarity to einstein or whoever. But then that is because to me beauty and loveliness are something that all children have, while being clever is something you go out and work at and do.

The issue for me then would be a roundedness when complimenting DD or DS on things they actually do, that I would focus on things like kindness, intellectual skills, creative ability etc rather than focus primarily on how pretty a dress was or a hair cut was all the time.

KRITIQ · 08/05/2012 11:52

Hey, welcome to the message board!

It is a tricky one I think. I didn't grow up in the UK, but I have observed that amongst both male and female colleagues and friends, they were brought up to believe it was important to be modest, to be self-effacing, to not be too proud or big-headed. I agree it's not wise to encourage a child to develop an over inflated sense of themselves and their entitlement. However, what I've noticed is that there are many adults who lack confidence, who feel they should say they aren't good at something, who think blowing their own trumpet is bad. I think this tends to be worse for women as society in general values their achievements less than those of men (the case in most societies, I mean.)

The one area where women are "allowed" to excel seems to be in attractiveness, so it's a difficult balance between not wanting to sap a child's confidence, but not wanting them to see their appearance as the limit of their value as a human.

My suggestion perhaps would be not to undermine her observation (or what she's probably been told by others, particularly well-meaning adults,) but to draw attention to other abilities and talents that she is good at, or even areas she's not good at but could get better at if she worked more.

So often when I'm working with young girls, they'll say, "oh, I'm not good at sports/maths/public speaking/games/art/etc. and I try to say in response something like, "but that means you can get better if you work at it," or "you may not be good yet but you can be."

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