Motherhood

It seems to me that there are 3 choices

1. One parent is the main breadwinner and one the main carer- it doesn't matter which-except to the couple.
2. You both take more flexible jobs and share the child care equally.
3. You both put jobs first and buy in child care, cleaners etc

Children are not convenient, they want time not money and your life will never be the same again once you have one. They are not obligatory, many prefer to be child free. One thing is for certain-compromises have to be made.

I'm in the same philosophical boat as exoticfruits yet again, I have a marriage based on an equal partnership, I went to work and OH became a SAHP as I earned more than he did. I suppose we did what we felt right and paid no attention whatsoever to other people's opinions of how things should be, and we asked friends and relatives for advice then took it or disregarded it together without any stress or guilt or furtive looking around.
We've been together thirty years and the babies are 17 and 21 now.

It probably helps being an older mum with nothing to prove and the confidence to be yourself.

My feelings exactly IC.

I think there's an interesting dichotomy going on between the view that people are only important if they are earning money - ie contributing to capitalism in some way. So SAHMs are often written off as having less value by other earners.

Meanwhile, as neeps pointed out, motherhood is blown up into an impossible-to-achieve ideal which no one can possibly achieve. So it's denigrated and unrealistically revered at the same time - no wonder mothers feel pulled every which way sometimes..!

I think one's own mental attitude towards mothering/parenting (I agree that we should shift the focus from "mothering" to "parenting") is important here as a way of integrating your role as a parent with the other facets that make up who you are.

As SQ said, some personality types are totally cut out for parenting, others less so and probably most of us are somewhere in between and muddle along as best we can.

And yes, I think the role of the parenting partner - whoever they are! Is very important too, although plenty of single mothers demonstrate that you can be a perfectly good parent without live-in back up.

My personal experience is that I did - and enjoyed - the career thing for almost 20 years then had my DD at a time when I had reached a career cul-de-sac and was looking for something else in any case. Which was good timing on my part, but it just worked out that way!

Nowadays, I couldn't give a stuff if people think I'm "wasting my talents" by being a SAHM or "not contributing" economically. Contributions to society are not just measured by money. I happen to think I'm doing an immensely important job and I'm currently content to devote the majority of my time to it. I can still keep up my end of a conversation with full-time workers and if they look down on me because I'm not going out of the house to earn a wage, well they're not the sort of people I'm interested in having anything to do with.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's important to value yourself as a parent and the job you're doing, despite the conflicting messages that surround you.

You quite simply make sure that you are equal at home and both careers are equal, if that is what you wish. I found having DCs way more exciting than paid employment, it is up to the individual. Many couples reverse roles these days and the man stays at home. It maybe helps if you are older, I had got where I wanted careerwise and so was happy to have change.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I'm already seek of the word 'mother'. Seems to me it gets used in place of the word 'parent'.

There is still a massive assumption and expectation that women do it all, 'instinctively' know what to do and are just in some way more responsible for the baby than the Dad.

I'm not going to change the world overnight but I do intend to do things my way. My husband is giving up work to be a sahd and I expect him to go 50/50 on all the parenting responsibilities. He gets that and he agrees.

I also make sure I put anyone straight who gives me that look of disbelief when I tell them what we're planning to do and will continue to do so after the baby is born.

If people go unchallenged they'll continue to hold the same beliefs in my opinion

Your post at 11.32 - that is exactly how I felt, and feel. Apart from we have both sets of GPs near and I still feel how you do...

The silly thing is that DH is absolutely cut out to be a "mother" (female gender role) despite being a big rugby player type, and I am absolutely cut out to be a working wage earning type (male gender role) despite being small and "feminine" looking.

It's bit of a bugger.

Practically speaking. Can you afford a nanny, someone to "be you" when you are working? Do you want to go full time / does your partner want to take more time to care for children / is that an option? Look into things, keep an open mind. If you're not happy doing it, then see if you can change it. And yeah I know that sounds shit if "it" is looking after your own child/ren, but still.

Ah, walk this way....
loads of fascinating stuff here

There are loads of ideas for more reading, every book you ever wanted about mothering and feminism...

Essentially, I think as long as you look at why you make the choices you do, (with a wry eye on societal expectations for women who happen to have given birth) there are no hard and fast rules. It is up to you and your partner if you have one to work out how to parent.

Andrea o'reilly's feminist mothering gives some ideas, but it can be a bit scholarly.

The site will give you loads of ideas though.

I love motherhood, it is the best thing that I have ever done. The main thing is to choose the right man and then you have equal power. We work as a partnership. There is no need to have anything to do with 'commercial crap'. The one thing to remember is that your DC has a mind of their own and they are not a blank sheet for you to make your imprint. They do as you do, so make sure you are a good role model, they never do as you say and are quick to spot hypocrisy.