"Bitter" women

Good OP Basil.

I've noticed this too and I hate it.

It seems to be used particularly with reference to single mums where someone will inevitably tell her, at some point during the thread, that she is 'bitter', often used with 'controlling'.

Example: "how dare you suggest to your ex it's not a good idea to let your DC stay up all night watching the SAW trilogy when looking after them, you are obviously bitter and controlling!"

I think it's used as a silencing technique.

handdived - totally agree.

Re. that thread and its digressions as well - a man who's had a bad romantic experience is often seen as a romantic figure, someone who needs a good loving woman to 'save' him; a woman - she's Miss Havisham.

Eh? Why is this inappropriat here?

I hate the word bitter, with a passion. It generally describes a woman who has had a bad experience and is upset by it, which let's face it is a valid response. I think this goes back to that thread about the female politician being emotional in a debate. How women's feelings are somehow invalid.

Take this to the appropriate board. Isn't there a thread about posting in the right place on AIBU.

I think the 'women as victims' thing is bollocks TBH. Yes, women say they are more often victims of all sorts of things. That's because women are more often victims of all sorts of things. It'd be kind of odd if we didn't hear about it more.

I think that's it basil - a sort of head-in-the-sand 'it'd never happen to me' attitude.

I've noticed often women who get called bitter post elsewhere sounding perfectly happy with their (current) lives, so it does feel like protesting too much sometimes.

I have noticed that often, if people share experiences of their own when they're not the OP, someone will accuse them of being bitter or 'reading in' to what is said, as if it's somehow unfair to consider any parallels to the OP's situation that didn't turn out smelling of roses.

I think the 'you're bitter/you must be very sad and angry' remarks are a silencing tactic. If you really believed someone was bitter or sad, you'd try to cheer them up and comfort them - at least some of the time. I think sometimes the people who say these things do it because they can't ignore what's being said (it gets to them on some level), but they don't want to accept it might be real enough to be worth answering properly or having compassion about.

Not all the time I'm sure, but often I think that's what it is.

Am I imagining this?

Erm.... maybe a wee little bit?... But probably not, come to think of it.

Women have been told to put up and shut up for centuries - and if you're in doubt about this, see e.g. Helena Kennedy's 'Eve Was Framed'. Calling women 'bitter' when they reasonably speak out about injustices is of course unreasonable and a hangover from a vile neglect of women's human rights.

It would also be the case that accusing men of 'bitterness' when they speak out about injustice would be cruel, unreasonable, etc.

There may be a few MNers who are vicious in this way - but I think MN posters are overwhelmingly quite supportive to other posters.

And in RL? Of course there are some arseholes out there.

However (and I expect to get flamed for saying this), there is something of a 'victim culture' which seems to appeal to a few women - and garners a great deal of media attention ('missing white woman syndrome' etc.). And I think that to some extent it's still more acceptable for women to regard themselves as hapless victims than it is for men to see themselves in this light. So I guess people see/hear more explicit 'victim talk' from women than men. And consequently listeners/readers experience more compassion fatigue. IYSWIM?

Haven't noticed this, tbh, not on MN at least.