My Feminist Fail

I find more and more that issues I used to think were "feminist" are actually issues of "equality". I don't know if this is a shift in my thinking or a shift in the cultural consciousness??

To take as an example one of my feminist fails. Childcare. It has been assumed that it is my responsibility in what is otherwise a very equal relationship. This has started by my taking a year's maternity leave and then being made "redundant" for taking maternity leave and being at home for a further 6 months and then going out of the home part time.

If leave after a baby could be split equally between both parents much of the issues I had with taking maternity leave the resulting discrimination and the resulting status quo of me being responsible for childcare and dh for breadwinning would have been significantly less likely to occur.

What feminist issues have is more history (I think. I've not fully formed that thought yet).

my feminist fail is that I'm not a chemist. DH is (well, was) and it was his gamer tag.

His gamer friends knew me as MrsChem, so when I occasionally played, that was my tag.

I kind of want to change it, but I've been MrsChemist since I joined.

That's awful picot!

Poor woman.

I work in gender studies and spend a lot of time teaching ideas about body image, consumerism and materiality to students, consciousness-raising as I go. I weigh myself at least once a week and if it's crept over 50 kg, I restrict my diet to fruit until it's back down to 49, thereby maintaining a BMI well below the healthy minimum. But I don't shave anything and although I often plan to wear make-up, in practice I can't be bothered most mornings. We're all damaged - that's how we know this stuff is destructive. And most people have secret little reasons for their professional inclinations. The best academic feminist I know is in an abusive relationship with a man who calls her a bitch in front of their 4 and 6 yr old daughters.

Cross-post. Yes, I agree.

Add to that: my biggest feminist fail is not me, it's my marriage. Issues that I'd like to pretend are just to do with my feminism are his responsibility too. I think that is why I am so snappy, sorry!

Actually even if I didn't think it was a feminist issue, but an issue for the whole of society, that would be defeatist. It's saying it needs to be tackled on behalf of more people, not less.

Sorry, that came out wrong ... I didn't mean to be having a go, just feeling that what you said hit a chord for me, that there's so much of a feeling that feminism is out of date, or too narrow, or the issues people get worked up about don't matter. And for me one of the things I feel as if I'm failing at all the time is saying why it matters to me without getting utterly depressed about it.

Sorry I think I missed out the word "just" in one of my posts. It's not just a feminist issue but is now becoming an issue for wider society.

Yes, I agree it's not good to value men for their looks. But that doesn't mean it's not a feminist issue. IMO it's a huge feminist issue and the fact men are also suffering from sexism isn't new or reason to give up.

I know you're not saying it is reason to give up, but I think saying something's not a feminist issue is a bit defeatist.

I suppose I think that instead of moving away from valuing women predominantly on their looks - a nice healthy feminist objective - we're actually moving towards valuing men that way too.

Yes, women have it worse. Yes, we've had it longer but this new "equality" we're heading towards is very, very bad for everyone and doesn't solve the feminist issue.

Yes yellow I remember that in a London club I was in I was warned in hushed tones about ONE regular member who had once or twice been known to 'get pushy' with women. ONE.

In regular clubs you are often left looking for the one who wasn't, as I recall (that was the 80s though :D)

yes I also feel ambivalent when I get whistles. It happens so rarely now that I feel flattered!!! eeekkk

You're supposed to feel how you feel, Mud. It can be nice to get attention, of course. Personally I hate it, but if you like it, that's fine.

I think, Isla, men can be judged on either looks or intellect. People will still take an unattractive man seriously if he has some other skills, intelligence, whatever.

Whereas people just take the piss relentlessly out of unattractive women.

Am I supposed to be offended if builders wolf whistle? Because I really love like it when it happens!
I have no clue about feminism, I lurk on threads hoping to learn.

It's true, breaktime, it's a very non-gendered scene. Also, very unthreatening. There was a thread the other day about men grabbing your arse in clubs/not leaving you alone when you asked etc. The fetish scene is the opposite of that. People are so polite and respectful. I wonder if it's because it's so gender neutral.

I wonder if our men would mind if we got it out at opportune moments? 'I'm just spraying you. For reasons of hygiene and, er, freshness.'

I don't think I said it was the same pressure but there is definitely a creep towards valuing people for their visual appeal rather than their intellect or skills.

Even our politicians now have to look and behave a certain way to be taken seriously. That was not really the case even a generation ago.

LOL @ penis spray

yes indeed Isla. I found the fetish scene very degendered, and it was such a relief. Men able to dress up the way they felt like, look pretty if that was what they wanted, etc etc. And it was normalised (for the scene)- just what they felt like doing and that was fine.

We could, I suppose, bring out a MN brand of penis sprays and wipes?

yeah agree yellow. I do think however that traditional feminism (whatever that is...) minimised the horrible impact of patriarchy on men. The constant pressure to be a cold hard android with no feelings and a fast car full of hot chicks. Urgh. I'd rather be a woman with all the crap we have to face, tbh.

yellow - amen to that!!

Never felt so relaxed and no pressure at all to be anything other than what you felt like being

Isn't that what feminism is about? About being defined by something other than our sex?

'But men are bothered about how they look too. Therefore not a feminist issue but a wider issue for society in general no?'

I don't think I would agree with this. I think there are loads of things to do with the patriarchy that are bad for both men and women. I think as well that although men are bothered about how they look, they are judged on different criteria than those on which women are judged - eg., it's considered almost stuffy for a woman to wear a shirt buttoned up to her neck, whereas men don't show the tops of their chests to look respectable at work; men are often looked down on for wearing makeup whereas women are often encouraged to. If it weren't a feminist issue, IMO, there would be the same considerations applying to both men and women.

I can imagine a society where wearing eyeshadow was just a pleasant way to decorate your face, but in it I think no-one would be assuming a man who wore it was gay/alternative, or a woman who didn't was 'not taking care of herself'.

breaktime, I've seen a LOT of people saying recently that men have the same pressure to look good.

Give me a break. It's such nonsense. A couple of my male friends go to the gym, but that's not just about looking good, it's also about health.

Something I noticed the other day and had never pondered: why are there all these "feminine hygiene products" for cleaning your vulva. Wipes, sprays, soaps...where is the "masculine hygiene products" section? It's not as if unwashed penises smell any better than unwashed vulvas. I resent being made to feel as if my genitals are inherently dirtier than my partner's.