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Original poster

Husband abandoned me while 4 months pregnant,due march. Now he is divorcing.

33 replies

biyboo · 02/01/2012 19:14

What rights does he have over child, he has anger issues has paid zero for me or baby so far despite being on reasonable wage. It has been proven that it is his child through medical notes. This was known all along though. He is an emotional and at times physical abuser but I was too afraid to go to police but would without hesitation now. I do want to breast feed. He has not had the child's consideration from the second of conception and stopped talking to me when I told him I was pregnant. This was shocking as we had tried for 2 years to get to that point. Baby was no mistake, it was planned by both of us. He bullied, belittled me in every way. I was perfect for his type as I had no family I could talk to about the way he controlled the unhappy climate of married life with him.
I worry what he will do to me and baby a he is furious as he has been asked a no of times to pay maintenance for me and baby. He still has not paid. Is his lawyer also mad as this looks very bad for him especially that it will now have to go in front of judge.
He loves only his money and wants only that. He is quite abnormal and this is my only concern.
Who can I ask for help from,doc?police?Hospital? I worry for my baby. I have been in trauma and hell all throughout my pregnancy and I feel sad as poor baby is growing in very upset mother. I just want a healthy birth and this creep far, far away from us.

OP posts:
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Debs75 · 05/01/2012 19:47

Well OP we all have our opinions and I am sorry if you didn't like what I said
I merely meant in such a situation I would want to make sure myself and baby were physically safe from an abusive man. Money is something you can sort out down the line when the divorce is final and baby is born and emotions are not as high now.
Plus witholding contact through non payment of maintenance is not something judges agree on. They are more likely to suggest contact in a contact centre due to threat of violence which could be the best thing for all concerned.

I do really hope you can get all the help you need and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth

Original poster
biyboo · 05/01/2012 19:29

When I spoke to doctor and midwives they also suggested that to keep stress/trauma down in last trimester to keep H away and any visits after birth will be supervised. Someone else will always be with me so that H not alone with me and my child.

I just want to say that thank you for all the positive and constructive advice and questions majority of MNs are giving me. I really appreciate it.

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Original poster
biyboo · 05/01/2012 19:24

Thank you solidgoldbrass for being understanding.

OP posts:
grumpypants · 05/01/2012 19:19

the bit i don't get is not wanting contact until he pays maintenance? how does that make him safer? you need to look at two separate issues really ; 1)maintenance for the baby and 2) safety for you and the baby. Telling him he can see you/ the baby if he pays up lessens your assertion that he is violent.

ANTagony · 05/01/2012 19:10

Have you had the chance to look into benefits and entitlements you may be able to get hold of after baby is born? Money is a humongous pressure and it may just be possible that a small part of this pressure may be able to be alleviated for you. entitled to is a site you can have a look at to see if you can get anything i.e. child tax credit.

Original poster
biyboo · 05/01/2012 19:08

How dare you say that I am like him in thinking about maintenance. Do not reply Deb. I think you are very stupid and thoughtless and wonder how you be in my situation.

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Original poster
biyboo · 05/01/2012 19:00

Debs thank you for lovely warm text. Have you read my whole thread. I have written may times I don't care for myself but I do want maintenance for the child. Does this make me desperate? You think for 1 sec that I would not think of my child's safety, read my whole thread again. You are harsh and please do not reply to me as you are quite thoughtless. Thank you solidGbrass, you can understand what I have shared on my thread. I have told solicitors, doctors and midwives about 3 weeks ago that I do not want any contact with H due to his comments/behaviour and thank God H is staying away.

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SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 05/01/2012 18:41

i am thinking concern for how you will keep a roof over yours and your child's head after your husband has abandoned you pregnant with his child is quite a legitimate concern given we live in a world where money is needed to survive ffs.

but what she's supposed to transcend mere mortal considerations?

as you are married he will auto have PR whatever so i think this worry about the birth cert is a dead end.

if someone is not on a birth cert however and denies parentage they are (under current csa regs) asked to take a paternity test (which they then have to pay for if proved that the child is theirs), if they refuse to parentage is assumed. birth cert doesn't come into it.

Debs75 · 05/01/2012 18:39

OK i might have sounded harsh but i feel the best thing she could do is try and get help for her and the baby before arguing about maintenance.
Tell you mw about his abusive behaviour and his threats and they will be able to help by not letting him into the hospital when you give birth. she can also refer you to other agencies to help you core with the breakup and to keep baby safe.
Get in touch with womans aid and they will help you more.

solidgoldbrass · 05/01/2012 18:27

The OP is probably concerned about maintenance because she hasn't got any money FFS. And it's possible that the benefits agencies are scaring her into trying to pursue it. However, I agree that it's best that she cuts all contact with this shitbag for the moment. OP do talk to WA and solicitors, do not try and negotiate maintenance issues with an abusive man on your own. There are structures in place to help you.

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 05/01/2012 18:23

Reading this, my first thought was that if you can manage without the maintenance from him, then it would be better for you, as you could cut him out of your life properly, because his comments about hitting the baby and putting it in a bin are scary. Don't put him on the birth cert, just act as if he doesn't exist, would be my advice Sad, sorry you have to out up with this shit.

Debs75 · 05/01/2012 18:17

Can i just ask why you are so desperate for maintenance?

you say all he loves is his money but that seems all you want.
I am not being harsh but in such a volatile situation demanding maintenance will only get his back up.
Your priority should be your dcs safety. I would be more concerned with supervised visits until he proves himself trustworthy

Original poster
biyboo · 05/01/2012 18:02

Hi everyone. If I don't put his name on B certificate will he be able to sneak out of child maintenance or even get more nasty if we have not divorced at this point? If my name soley on B cert will that give me better chance of custody, care and control? Will courts take in to account his emotional abusive behaviour throughout the marraige and that he would hardly ever had made time for a child in his life anyway? He made it pretty clear that he would be staying in upstairs room and help with nothing in caring and loving for child.

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cakeismysaviour · 03/01/2012 13:40

Oh and I second the advice of those who tell you to report to the police. The police will keep a record of what he has said, and this will be VERY useful when it comes to the divorce and also any custody demands that he tries to make.

cakeismysaviour · 03/01/2012 13:37

I would cut all contact with him. Communicate through divorce lawyers, make sure you have a lawyer to fight your corner. Make it clear that you are not interested in talking to him. If he calls, tell him you will only communicate via lawyers and put the phone down. Then don't answer any more of his calls.

When baby is born, set the CSA onto him.

In the meantime, please go to womans aid. They will be able to help you to feel safer and will also be able to provide advice regarding divorce and CSA.

solidgoldbrass · 03/01/2012 13:25

Be careful of saying that you don't want contact until he pays maintenance. He can use this as a way of harassing you eg saying he has some money for you but you must come and collect it, then either not turning up or turning up with no money but the intention of attacking you. You can refuse all contact with him but still set the CSA on him to get maintenance out of him (though they are not always successful).

Original poster
biyboo · 03/01/2012 12:36

Thanks again. I am going to write all events down in chronological order of all types/levels of abuse from him and make 5 copies for myself, police, doctor, hospital and lawyers. This way I won't have to do it again. Baby will be here in no time and I don't want him spoiling that any more than I can help.
I have told him via text and told lawyers about that text that I do not want any contact from him in any way until he pays regular C Maintenance and talks to me in a civil way. He knows to keep away as I reinforced it by saying and meant it that I would go to police if he bothered me again.
He wanted his cake and eat it no matter what. He has to recognise that bad appalling behaviour has consequences and that he can't bully, control and manipulate me anymore, ever again.

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SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 09:28

trivial piece of advise from me - pour yourself a lovely bath and get in and sing to your baby or take your favourite book and read it aloud. i know it's all very twee and daft sounding to some but i used to love the bath when pregnant. ds used to get very active when i was in the bath Smile

try and find times, spaces, ways to enjoy and relax. mentally put a seal around your front door or your bed or your bathroom or some little space that is not for worrying about him or for stress - make a barrier. even a little corner of your bedroom. you need a sanctuary.

fannybaws · 03/01/2012 09:12

Hi Biyboo lots of good advice on this thread, do go to police and have everything recorded, particularly his verbal threats re baby.
Does he have any convictions?
Does he have other children? Has he maintained contact with them?
Do tell your midwife and health visitor, gp ect.
I am a midwife and this issue comes up a lot sadly, your local hospital may well have a domestic abuse midwife liaison. When you are in hospital the staff can maintain your safety properly if they know the risks.
We often have alerts on patient notes to ensure their name does not go on ward boards and no info about their whereabouts is given.
Get a good solicitor now, one with lots of experience in dv cases.
Have you got any relaxation CDs to give you some time out from all this worry?
Good luck and keep posting xxx

lisaro · 03/01/2012 09:04

He will only have to pay maintenance for the baby, not for you.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 09:01

incidentally ds's father never bothered to try and see his son. i finally applied to the csa last year (ds is nearly 5).

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 03/01/2012 09:00

i remember being terrified when pregnant that ds's father would reappear and demand contact when ds was born and would be able to take him away from me. he wasn't even abusive but the idea of someone being able to take my small baby away from me was awful.

in the first instance you'll be safe for a fair while by breastfeeding - no one is going to let him take a breastfeeding baby away from it's mother for contact.

have you reached a no contact point with him yet? as in got it laid down that he can only communicate through lawyers or just by email or are you still having contact with him on his terms?

Original poster
biyboo · 03/01/2012 08:55

Thank you for all replies. We lived together for 3 years and married for just over 2.5 years. I have a feeling it will be late summer for final divorce. He is difficult and nasty in every way and now he is full element of hate, greed and anger, especially as he knows I have switched off from his sick games. I don't think that I would feel comfortable with his name on B certificate. He lost that right.
Do you think a full account of his abuse and more so his emotional abuse would be seen as serious by doctor or midwives. I only say from my experience with H his emotional abuse was worse. The affects of this I know will be long term. I know that H will continue with as much emotional abuse as he can get away with.

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breaktime73 · 02/01/2012 20:58

yeah absolutely, better. I was assuming they would be divorced, if that is what the OP wants, although he could delay it I guess :( (and I'm not clear how long they've actually been married either as they can't divorce until after 1 year...)

INeedADollar · 02/01/2012 20:56

This was my situation. As you're married to him he will automatically get PR whether you put him on the birth cert or not. He is legally entitled to contact but if he's as much of a twat as he sounds he probably won't even bother. Decide whether maintenance is worth the effort, I decided it wasn't worth my XH knowing where we are and chasing for contact etc as he said similar things about hurting the child etc. big unmumsnetty hugs, you and your baby will be ok.