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Original poster

Anyone else feeling wifeworked over by Christmas (and DH)?!

110 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/12/2011 13:03

Yes, this is a bit of a whinge thread. But I can't be the only one. Eleven months of the year I'm not that fussed but at Christmas I do care. Selfishly. For me. Because I don't actually enjoy having no decorations, a messy home and no Christmas meal.

Do you find that it's worse at Christmas? I think it's partly the expectations that come from outside, and all the tradition - it makes it that much harder to get away from traditional expectations both of what I should be doing and what, in total, should be done for a good Christmas.

Btw, if you can get us out of this pattern please tell me how: since the Wifework thread a while back, I've been doing a lot less and DH has been doing a little more, and the mess has been driving me nuts. We'll muddle along until I crack and point out x hasn't been doing in weeks, and could he please get his finger out - he'll insist he does do it/was about to do it, all evidence to the contrary, and we'll row. Then he'll admit he hasn't done it, but he'll get better. And then he doesn't do whatever it is, though he'll often do something else, something obvious like hovering. And I will feel 'why should I do this job, he said he would'.

It is a crap pattern.

Anyway, right now I have a tree and nothing else, and I am not feeling full of Christmas cheer because there are half a dozen things he's said he'd do that still aren't done. If I do them it undercuts the whole point of trying to get him doing stuff; if I tell him (again) it's possible three of them will get done ... but for the love of God does it have to be like this?

Whinge with me, and remind me Christmas is not about the little stuff, please?

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/12/2011 13:47

Cross-post.

Oh, rainy, that sounds so shit and you're telling it with humour ...how do you manage?

It could almost drive you to believe that crap about men being 'evolved' not to see dirt, couldn't it?

But not quite lazy fuckers.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/12/2011 13:45

I don't think it is 'especially' feminists. If I posted in AIBU, and explained how much DH and I each do, the consensus would probably be that he does masses and I shouldn't expect him to do more.

I think for me, getting more and more into feminism just makes me care more about it. A few years ago I'd just have been happily picking up the slack, wondering why I got tired. In fact, before I started doing less to see if he'd do more, I honestly had no idea that we weren't both doing certain jobs - I just assumed every sane adult did them as a matter of course, so presumably he was doing them. (Things like cleaning the sink or the loo).

DH could be a lot better, but I think I'm mega-careful because I'm now worrying that this is the sort of stuff that needs sorting now before it gets any more unbalanced. Non-feminists would I'm sure tell me to get a life! Grin

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RainySmallHands · 21/12/2011 13:44

Same here, LDR. I decorate the house, write the lists, buy the presents (for around 33 - not including 2DDs and DH), wrap the presents, put bows on the presents, make the Christmas cake, ice the Christmas cake, do Christmassy stuff with DD1 etc. ....this goes on for a few days until I snap. I shout at DH making myself look completely unhinged and he does lots of jobs in a short space of time. And that's it, until I snap again a few days later.

Last night he was late-night shopping. Obviously buying gifts for 1 bloody person (me) is too much. It pisses me off that he could've been at home doing 'stuff' if he had only been organised earlier.

But I am a SAHM so part of me thinks 'well, he works so hard, really I should do all this...'. And he does work hard (too hard, but that is another thread) - and he does help out, and he is lovely, but he's just so goddamn inefficient. And I hate turning into a nag. Why he is so blind to all the things that need sorting, I do not know! Can you imagine living in such a state of blissful ignorance? It must be bloody great!

Sorry, rant over! So in answer to your questions - yes, it is worse at Christmas because all of the extra jobs fall on my shoulders, and no, the little stuff matters not one jot in the grand scheme of things - but you know that already, don't you?

Merry bastard Christmas Xmas Grin

RitaMorgan · 21/12/2011 13:40

Why do women, especially feminists, end up in relationships with such lazy/selfish men though?

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/12/2011 13:39

dreaming - hmm, I don't know. The thing is that I do care, and I do a lot of compromising for him, so I am not really sure it is unfair to expect him to do a bit.

The thing is, Christmas for me is still Advent for him (he's on the old calendar, where Christmas is Jan 7th). This means he fasts from meat and dairy for five weeks. As you can imagine, that is quite a faff for both of us. I do feel he could afford to put a little effort into helping me make Christmas day nice for both of us. My impression is that he does like the tree and all once it's done, but I will ask him how much he cares as it is probably more my thing.

I was trying to solve the Wifework thing but doing less. He's read the book Hmm, and thinks what I should do is not do so much, then he'll notice, and I should tell him when he misses stuff. But it just doesn't work. Every time his default reaction is to say he does do whatever it is, and I have to admit I react badly to that because he is just flat-out lying, as he will admit later on. It is infuriating looking at something not done and having him say he does it.

panto - ouch. Sad It's annoying when you have to say 'now you need to do the wrapping up', isn't it?

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Pantofino · 21/12/2011 13:32

I am definitely feeling it. My main wifework complaint is not housework related but more that I am seen to be responsible for the school run/childcare as default and I have been doing things to address that....

But Xmas - well apart from put the tree up, DH has done bugger all! Oh - he ordered his Xmas present Hmm. I am putting him on wrapping duty tonight!

dreamingbohemian · 21/12/2011 13:31

Oh gosh, I don't know.

Does your DH care about all the little things? Does he want the tree and decorations and everything all Christmasy?

If he doesn't care, then it's not really fair to be angry with him for not doing things he doesn't care about one way or the other.

If he wants all that stuff but wants you to do everything, that's entirely different.

I think the problem with Christmas is that people's expectations are generally very home-based, it's all about a decorated house and fancy meals, etc, things that are unfortunately seen as the women's preserve. So if you have problems throughout the year, you'll probably have them at Christmas even more.

What solution have you been trying to implement for your wifework problem? there is no one way to deal with it -- perhaps we can come up with some different ideas?

DeePanCrisPandEeeven · 21/12/2011 13:27

Well, quite.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/12/2011 13:25

No, it does help a bit.

I'm not slacking off work, as it happens - or rather I am, hugely, but since I study and I'm ahead of schedule it doesn't matter. I still find it annoying, though.

Of your team, I wonder how many of those men who're still nobly working away are simply expecting someone else to come up with the goods once they knock off for the holiday?

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DeePanCrisPandEeeven · 21/12/2011 13:19

fwiw, in the team that I manage the gender split is 5 males/15 females. I have noticed the stark difference in stress in the last week. The men are continuing in the same manner - the women are stressed, taking the odd half day here and there ( away from their professional tasks which they will have to make up for at some time later), and leave messages for me to say why they aren't around at partucular times. IT's all to do with Christmas.

so, no LRD, as an answer Christmas isn't about the little stuff.
hth, but I suppose it doesn't.