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Original poster

Anyone else feeling wifeworked over by Christmas (and DH)?!

110 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/12/2011 13:03

Yes, this is a bit of a whinge thread. But I can't be the only one. Eleven months of the year I'm not that fussed but at Christmas I do care. Selfishly. For me. Because I don't actually enjoy having no decorations, a messy home and no Christmas meal.

Do you find that it's worse at Christmas? I think it's partly the expectations that come from outside, and all the tradition - it makes it that much harder to get away from traditional expectations both of what I should be doing and what, in total, should be done for a good Christmas.

Btw, if you can get us out of this pattern please tell me how: since the Wifework thread a while back, I've been doing a lot less and DH has been doing a little more, and the mess has been driving me nuts. We'll muddle along until I crack and point out x hasn't been doing in weeks, and could he please get his finger out - he'll insist he does do it/was about to do it, all evidence to the contrary, and we'll row. Then he'll admit he hasn't done it, but he'll get better. And then he doesn't do whatever it is, though he'll often do something else, something obvious like hovering. And I will feel 'why should I do this job, he said he would'.

It is a crap pattern.

Anyway, right now I have a tree and nothing else, and I am not feeling full of Christmas cheer because there are half a dozen things he's said he'd do that still aren't done. If I do them it undercuts the whole point of trying to get him doing stuff; if I tell him (again) it's possible three of them will get done ... but for the love of God does it have to be like this?

Whinge with me, and remind me Christmas is not about the little stuff, please?

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Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/12/2011 16:54

Sorry, I am being precious about it. I know I am very lucky to have the funding - it's just that so many people assume a PhD is a vanity project, but when I started we lived off that grant and we were both so glad I had it, so I came at it feeling very much that it was work, and that it was the only paid work that either of us had managed to get.

I have noticed though that there is in my subject a gender divide on this issue - the blokes are happy to see study as worthwhile, serious training and the women, by and large, deflect by talking about how much they love it and how they may end up doing something else.

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Fennel · 24/12/2011 16:30

sorry, didn't mean you personally, I was thinking really of the people I know doing self-funded phds (common in my field) and the problems it often causes relationships.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/12/2011 23:41

fennel, sorry to be prickly, but until a few days ago when DH got a raise, I was actually earning more than he was so it did feel 'significant' to me.

Not that it stops some of his mates assuming I earn nothing at all and he's 'letting' me do a PhD. Hmm

rilla - sorry you're having a rotten time. And no wonder all that is driving you potty.

I have been wondering about this 'it's his job, it took ages, he couldn't do it' thing - someone else said similar on another thread recently and I know I often think it myself when DH is going through lots of overtime. The thing is I know very few women who let themselves take that much work on - and if they do people don't half sneer about them. It does seem there's a double standard to it.

Sorry, not very helpful to say that maybe. I hope things get less hectic for you soon.

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RillaBlythe · 23/12/2011 22:53

God I am so over Christmas. We are hosting his parents, I've bought everything except his present for his mum (& his presents to me), I've meal planned, food shopped, cleaned, sent bloody Christmas cards... Thing is, he has done a 76 hr week this week, so he really can't do it. I'm 'just' looking after the 3 yr old & 3 mth old. But it's driving me potty

Fennel · 22/12/2011 14:01

I work from home about half the time but it works for us cos DP does sometimes, and when we first lived together he was working from home full time, so he totally knows that working from home does not equate being free to do wifework.

Luckily I have 2 offices to escape to and this week DP has been off and at home and I have, um, "had" to go to the office, slightly more than is strictly necessary at this time of year. Sometimes I just love working.

Phds are the absolute worst for gender equity or anything good at all really, IME. You're not earning anything significant, OR free to do things, so you're stuck useless in terms of household or financial contribution or anything. Not fun.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2011 13:59

Oops .. that sounds as if I'm wholeheartedly endorsing living in fighting and resentment. No. I meant, the idea is to get some consensus.

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Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2011 13:58

Yep, that is the idea! Grin

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Hullygully · 22/12/2011 13:32

I've read the first couple of pages.

In the end (speaking as an old person), when you are going to live with someone and ESPECIALLY if you are planning dc, it is vitally vitally vitally important that you agree on cleaning/housework/chores etc.

Or you will spend your lives fighting and in resentment.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2011 13:26

elasta - I didn't mean to criticize working from home at all. I think the emphasis on working out of the home is very unfriendly to families.

Your new partner sounds lovely - can you send him over here a minute? Wink

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Chestnutx3 · 22/12/2011 13:16

BBB I do find that acceptance is much easier to live with than constant annoyance. I am going to do a list of jobs that need doing each week and initial who has done them. It will be 95% my initials and then DH may take the hint. DH is so slow doing stuff and stands around staring into space or just relaxing, I'm like a headless chicken trying to keep on top of everything!

elastamum · 22/12/2011 13:14

I agree the 'working from home' choioce is a difficult one. For me it is the only way I can manage 2 kids and a full time job as I am the RP. but it does mean my ex thinks that I am just there doing nothing if he chooses not to fulfil his committments to our children. Every now and again I point blank refuse to fit round his plans. But in reality I like having my children around, even though it is not good for my productivity.

Fortunatley my new partner is completely different. If anything, he did all the 'wifework' in his previous relationship. He runs his own home, works full time and shares the care of his children 50:50. He is a breath of fresh air. Xmas Smile

BigBlueBear · 22/12/2011 12:21

It was a difficult decision bohemian but I'm a natural optimist, so am happy with my choice. As I am the lynchpin for the family, both in terms of organising things and doing things, the fact that I am much less stressed and don't feel like I am rushing around all the time means that everyone benefits, including me. The house feels much more organised, I can drop off and collect my older daughter from school without having to use wraparound care, I have regained hours of my life that I used to spend travelling to and from work, and I have been lucky enough to have a steady stream of work so my employers seem happy with the quality of my work. So this is not a temporary thing for me as it really seems to working for everyone.

Doesn't stop me beng slightly resentful that I work 20 hours a week from home, do most of the childcare, do all the laundry, shopping and cooking, manage the cleaner, and sort out all of our social lives though! But I'm coming to terms with it and am generally happy with my lot :)

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2011 11:59

Oh no, I missed that thread (probably a good thing!)

BigBlue that must have been a hard decision. Do you see it as temporary? I admit, I would probably do the same thing, just to make life easier, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be annoying sometimes too.

I really can't wait to stop working from home. DH is so lovely but he doesn't really get it.

One day a week he's watching DS at home while I work in the bedroom. I tell him: Just pretend I'm not here. But he will still pop in with, can you watch DS for 15 minutes while I run to the shop? Oh, where is this, that or the other thing? Arrrrgh.

He's not trying to be difficult, and he is overwhelmingly supportive of my studies in so many other ways that I can't get too angry about it. He just has some mental block about it.

But now he's going to be working at home on his new business so I'm looking forward to showing him what it's like [evil grin]

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2011 11:45

Oops, I took ages writing a very short post back there.

dreaming - yay for your DH's new business!

The student thing does throw up a lot - were you on the thread with the poor woman who was doing a PhD, a part-time job, and all the cooking, and had lost it with her 'D' H because he was being a twit? It was something like 'WIBU or was DH about a joint of beef' and it's one of the few I've seen where after the OP came back and explained, all these people who would usually be on the DH's side were very firmly on hers!

elasta - no need to ask why he's the ex there!

Working from home seems to be another one of these magical situations where some people imagine you don't have to work unless you fancy it. Hmm

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BigBlueBear · 22/12/2011 11:41

bohemian I agree that being at home throws up lots of issue. I find I have to do so much of the household stuff and childcare that it has made my life much less stressful to work from home instead of commuting to an office. In a way it was admitting defeat in terms of the balance of responsibilities between DH and I, but on the other hand I decided that constantly fighting about it was not doing anyone any favours and me being at home has made all our lives flow a lot better.

Pragmatism won over feminism, I fear. Not sure I belong on this thread.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2011 11:41

A glass of wine and a novel in the corner sounds lovely. Smile

I think you're right about 'help', it is a dodgy term.

I do think there's a lot to be said for very casual Christmasses with lots of room for people to wander off to the pub or snack on mincepies.

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elastamum · 22/12/2011 11:38

I'm a single parent and this really struck a chord with me.

My kids are with their dad this week as I have loads of work to finish as well as all the christmas stuff. BUT he was supposed to have them all week but didnt pick them up until Tue PM, because he was working and is now dropping them off Fri AM (because he is working). But I am working full time too FFS!! And now I also have a houseful of small children and 2 projects to finish by Friday eve.

This was supposed to be my free week to finish everything off for year end. Because I work from home he thinks I can just drop everything and fit around him. I will try to resist the urge to give him a festive throttling.

He thinks parenting is about fitting his children in if he doesnt have work on, whilst I do eveerything else. He just doesnt get it.

Rant over - back to work Xmas Hmm

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2011 11:35

Oh yes, I have this issue with DH sometimes. Because I work at home I can naturally drop everything, of course...

But it's tricker for us because he usually works jobs where if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid, so I end up doing it.

Luckily in a couple weeks he's quitting to start his own business/be a SAHD. I'm so excited, I'm giddy!

Anyway that rocks that you had your DH come home -- too right, and it's great he was cool about it.

It's interesting how being a student/working at home throws up so many feminist issues.

Fennel · 22/12/2011 11:30

I am not sure we will ever get over the organising thing, but I am also a bit lucky I guess that DP loves Christmas (tacky music, trees and decorations, fairy lights) so he can do all that with the dc while I can be bah humbugish in the corner with glass of wine and novel.

We had a slight tiff the other day when I mentioned that I felt I'd done too much of the cooking last Xmas day, my DBIL and I do most of the cooking for our joint family of 9, and DP said, I'm happy to help... but I don't want "help" I want people taking control. Hence my very specific lists this year. Ok we haven't made the lists yet, but that's part of my not taking too much on myself. Given that all i need for a good Christmas is lots of wine and books, and the pub will be open on Christmas day....

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2011 11:25

Yay for Ancient Feminist Bats. Smile

fennel - I think that one is so difficult to get past, the organising thing. Reading over loads of threads last night, it sounds as if even people who've got most of it sorted, still admit they do too much of the thinking - and maybe too much of the being flexible at need.

I'm trying to get better at not always throwing up my plans for DH - a few months ago we had loads of plumbing work done, and the plumbers a couple of times turned up much later than they said and needed access to places they'd not said they would. I study so I'm home but I rang DH at work and told him I had a deadline and couldn't take a day off so would go to the library and he had to come home. I really felt uncomfortable doing it and the second time the plumber actually told me off about it (!), but interestingly DH was fine with it and his boss said 'you should have booked the day off anyway'.

At the time I kind of wanted to post on here and boast I was channelling everyone here but was dashing to finish my chapter so I didn't. Grin

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motherinferior · 22/12/2011 10:30

In our house it's not so much housework as the childcare stuff that falls around the edge; you know, the Christmas plays and concerts and so on, which I attend (taking time off work) and DP doesn't.

OTOH he has done all the tree stuff, and ordered cards (I opted out of cards totally a few years ago) and wrapping paper, and bought a wreath for the front door (I don't even like wreaths, dammit, it would never occur to me) and is generally throwing himself into the festivities with perhaps more energy than me, as I would personally like to have gone away ALONE for the duration...

I think this is helped by the fact I am a dyed in the wool Ancient Feminist Bat of the type decried on many other threads.

Fennel · 22/12/2011 10:22

With DP and me the housework is always, even after 17 years, our main cause of tension and argument. He's not lazy, he does half the childcare, he's currently building us a new bathroom as well as doing most of the childcare this week, and doing various computing projects, but he is very untidy and messy around the house. Also he's not good at thinking ahead about shopping etc, so Christmas is a time I can feel that more is falling on me.

My strategy this year is to make lists. We are going (today perhaps) to make a list of all the meals we all want to eat over Christmas, and what food it needs, and then I am getting DP and the dc (the 11 and 10 yos anyway, perhaps not the 7yo) to sign up to taking charge of meals or bits of meal, and the relevant shopping. This works quite well in terms of overload but it doesn't solve the underlying problem that I'm the one thinking of what needs to be done and making the list and parcelling out the jobs and initiating the "right all 5 of us are going to tidy the house NOW!" in the first place.

And that does annoy me. Causes many arguments.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 22/12/2011 08:12

Chestnutx3 Xmas Sad

If you both have very limited free time, it's even more important that it's shared out fairly. What happens in the evenings and at weekends? How old are your DC?

why will you still have to do it all when you go back to work? That doesn't sound at all fair. Telling you you'll be more efficient sounds really disrespectful too.

LRD good luck with the rotas!

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/12/2011 22:58

I will do!

And Happy Christmas to you too! Smile

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dreamingbohemian · 21/12/2011 22:53

Oh that sounds promising. Let us know how you get on! Smile

And happy christmas!!!

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