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Original poster

Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

134 replies

HeidiHole · 21/12/2011 11:01

My husband and I are celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple.

Neither of us have legally changed our name to the surname of the other.
I'm still Miss Heidi Hole, and he is still Mr John Smith

As it means a lot to my husband, I have agreed for our first child (due May) to have his surname Smith. I'm as tolerant as possible of people calling me Mrs Smith, and have accepted that it will happen a lot more if people know my child is Master Smith.

Likewise, my husband has been referred to as Mr Hole, after I booked something for us in my name. He can accept this too.

However here's where I get really bloody angry. We have received numerous Christmas cards this year from his family addressed to Mr & Mrs John Smith

Firstly I have not changed any legal paperwork to Smith and the ASSumption that I have ticks me off. Thats not the big issue though, the big issue is the Mrs John Smith. My first name is Heidi, and it always has been. I am friendly with all of my husband's family, they call me Heidi to my face. They've never said "Hello John" because they know that's not my name.

As explained up post, if is was just Mr & Mrs Smith i'd let it slide with just some angry muttering. But I'm going to explode if I see yet another Mrs John Smith.

I absolutely refuse to have this happen every Christmas for the next 30 years. We don't see his family much as we just moved abroad. How do I stop this? Should it be my husband who drops into conversation that my name is Heidi, not John and perhaps they shouldn't be so fucking rude in future, or should I do it? And how should I do it? I'm sure they're not being ignorant on purpose, they're all lovely people and I'm sure they'd be sad if they knew how offensive they were being by airbrushing my name out of my life.

OP posts:
MrsClown · 21/12/2011 11:19

Heidi, I have the same problem much of the time. I am not going to put up with it so I contact the person who sent it and ask them politely not to do it again. If they do it again then I get really p..d with them and tell them again but add if they cant stop then please dont send a card. My first name is Cheryl and I like it so please use it! Most people actually have said 'God you are right I never thought of it'. Older people have argued about it but I just say 'it may have been ok in 1920 but not now thanks'.

I also contact companies who do it and ask them to resend the letter addressed correctly!!

I know there are other battles but this one is important to me.

Original poster
HeidiHole · 21/12/2011 11:17

My grandpa is from the older generation and refers to anyone not white as a "darky" he does not mean it in a racist way, it's what all his friends say, he isn't equating it with being offensive.

However times have moved on. So should we not be tolerating the word "darky" even though it's meant as a friendly comment? Of course we shouldn't! He shouldnt say it, it's offensive! He needs to drop it from his vocab.

So to everyone saying oh they dont mean it...calling you by your DH's name... it doesn't matter how they mean it, I'm being offended! Times have moved on and its no longer appropriate to call me "John" when i'm female!

OP posts:
LoveInASnowyClimate · 21/12/2011 11:15

I really don't think either of you can bring it up without it being perceived as rude. Sorry. Depends how bothered you are about offending people you are clearly close enough to exchange cards with.

roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts · 21/12/2011 11:15

I married 12 years ago Heidi and didn't change my name. My dcs use their father's surname too.

I can just about accept that the older members of the family will insist on labelling my Christmas cards with dh's full name and just add "Mrs" for me (I have remained a Miss if people must use a label at all) but it totally infuriates me when "friends" who grew up with me, not dh, address cards to my dh with Mrs to represent me. It is SO rude and insulting, especially when they know fine I am not MRS anyone.

They think it is funny and all a bit of a laugh but it just shows me how ignorant they are and that they have totally missed the point.

I don't know the solution but I totally sympathise with your rage.

LoveInASnowyClimate · 21/12/2011 11:14

Oh, and if someone told me how I should be addressing a card, they just wouldn't get one next year!

LoveInASnowyClimate · 21/12/2011 11:13

Wow, does this really bother you? I don't think I have even noticed how the cards we receive are addressed, I'm just glad to get them! It's just the conventional mode of addressing an envelope, not some effort to get at you.

Original poster
HeidiHole · 21/12/2011 11:13

Yes, I agree, as I said:

they're all lovely people and I'm sure they'd be sad if they knew how offensive they were being.

I'm certain it's not malicious but how do I bring it up, or should my husband bring it up? Either way I can't stand 30 years of my name not being used! As you say, ever since women got the vote, and had jobs, and earned money etc etc this custom is dying out/has died out but I fear they wont drop it without a nudge

OP posts:
JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 21/12/2011 11:12

What BoF said...

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 21/12/2011 11:08

It's not ignorance really, it's convention and rather formal etiquette, which an older generation tend to use more often than a younger one. Of course it IS a sign of a patriarchal society, but it isn't deliberate rudeness, and although you can mention it if you find it infuriating, I would do it politely. There are many many other battles to be fought, and I think this one is dying out anyway.