Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

"John Jones and his Mrs" might be correct, but it's still rude. That's why rules are changed.

If it's DHs second cousin twice removed whom I've never seen, I can at least try to understand why he sends a card to "John Jones and his wife". Obviously he has heard that DH has a wife but no idea who that person is.

But why would the people who know me or actually know me better send cards to "his wife"? They do know who I am.

Btw, rilla, I always thought Ken was a bit wet ... but is he good in bed?

Ta now, I was always curious about that one.

I can't believe people are saying they'd ignore it - why?

People who care about etiquette are (or should be, given the point of etiquette) people who will care most about you being addressed by what you feel is your proper name. Just let them know that you're Ms Heidi Hole and he's Mr John Smith. If you've been a bit quiet about the names not changing, they may not know. A quick - 'thanks for your card, for future reference, the postman was a bit surprised as I don't usually use DH's name' is fine I think.

The only people I've had who've been offended were my cousin's wife, who took it as a slight to her for changing her name (but she's capable of taking offense at anything), and my dear mother, who knows I've not changed my name but persists in believing it might offend dear DH to have his wife use her own name.

Most people, honestly, would rather know now than find out later.

it happens to me, too, OP, and it's from MY bloody mother, and since she knows I haven't changed my name (because we had a fight about it) I wonder if she does it to tick me off, or in the hopes that I'll give in eventually.

Apparently if you address a married woman as Mrs Herfirstname Hislastname, you are saying she's a widow. it's Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname if he's alive.

DH hates it as much as I do. In front of my mother he picked up an envelope addressed like that and went "oh look darling, someone's writing to the amazing powers of my magical phallus again."
DM looked blank, and he elaborated "Oh, so magical it made blackcurrants a man and gave her my name!"
She didn't laugh.

MN has really opened my eyes to the amazing range of issues people get het up about. It's very educational.

my MIL does this, the card arrived today addressed Mr & Mrs (dh initial)button.

pisses me right off for most of the reasons already stated.

mil is divorced but has kept her married name so perhaps i should start sending everything addressed mrs (exH) button.

Same here, it drives me nuts, I can just about swallow it at Christmas when it is Mr and Mrs because a lot of them are from relatives who I don't see that often and who have assumed, but the worst is my birthday, when it is mostly cards from my friends and every bloody one of them puts Mrs MyInitial DHSurname on all the cards, even though I never ever use his surname or Mrs but as I don't want to cause offence I have been putting up with it for 11 years now.

I was discussing it with a mum at the school gate a while back who said "ooh, my sister is like you, we just do it to wind her up, we think it's funny, maybe I'd better stop" Grrr. I hope she did stop.

And we do get stuff addressed to Mr and Mrs DP, although we're not even married (and I wouldn't change my name if we were!)

Still wouldn't say anything to them, or get upset by it. It's just how some people are, they like to feel they're doing things the correct/formal/traditional way, or to show off that they know 'proper' etiquette (even though it isn't really these days). It would seem a bit precious/petty to make a fuss about it, especially as they were nice enough to think of you and bother to send you a card wishing you well.

Remember, there's a fine Christmas tradition of tolerating odd/annoying relatives :)

I think 'Mr and Mrs John Smith' is just a way of saying 'Mr John Smith and his wife', they're not actually saying they think your name is John. Some people think it's correct/polite to address married couples like this.

It's quite an old-fashioned and outdated thing though, and does make the woman's name seem invisible/irrelevant, which I can see is a bit annoying. Especially as it never happens the other way round!

I would ask yourself if it's worth getting so upset and angry about though, as you say I'm sure no one is trying to offend or insult you. Just do a and let it go, would be my advice.

I didn't read the thread because this topic gets me so hopping mad I had to get my rant in.

I am Rilla Blythe & my husband is Dr Ken Ford. My husband's family KNOW that I have kept my own name, yet still send cards to Dr & Mrs K Ford. IT INFURIATES ME. This is his aunts & his grandmother. His mother did the same until I corrected her, & now she addresses cards to Dr Ken Ford & Rilla Blythe (I think she struggles with the fact that I am a Ms). The rest merrily ignore my stated preference.

Vixsatis, just because I have my husbands surname doesnt mean I should just be referenced to him. I still have my first name. My maiden name was actually my father's surname. I chose my husband. Why didnt you give your son your surname.

'correct protocol in these circs to use husband's initial' erm, we're talking about Christmas cards from close family members...

If everyone accepts that it's out of date and dying out, how can it still be considered correct? That doesn't make sense.

OP I thought your relatives were going to be in their 90s not 59!

I think people who did change their surname can't complain about this: adopting one's husband's name indicates that one accepts being identified by reference to him. It is correct protocol in these circs to use husband's initial. To use one's own indicates that one is divorced.

You, however, did NOT make that change and people should accept that you are Ms. Hole. I'm in the same boat. I don't get too bothered when people who don't really know me call me Mrs. Husbandsname or when my son's friends do; but there are people who know full well that I didn't change my name and still do it. Like my MIL Grrr.

I also get irritated when coming through immigration with my son and get questioned about our relationship simply because we have different surnames. Or worse, when the post office would not allow me to collect a parcel addressed to him at the same address on the basis of my ID because we had different names. They made me go and get his passport. They admitted that if my husband had collected the parcel that would have been fine because they have the same name.

Technically speaking, Mr and Mrs John Smith is the correct way to address a letter. It means Mr John Smith and his wife, which is what you are. Obviously it is both sexist and old-fashioned and relegates you to the status of "wife rather than a person with a name, but it's what older people tend to use. They don't really think your name is John!

Having said that, I do dislike it myself. We are not even married, yet received a wedding invitation from some friends addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname Hissurname!! I found that quite rude really as surely they know we're not married!

I wouldn't stress too much about it from older relatives. I do think it's dying out as a practice.

At our meeting with the registrar she asked whether we wanted to be introduced as John and Mary or Mr and Mrs Smith, so we were able to confirm we wanted John and Mary.

My mum, who is VERY feminist in most ways, is a bit sniffy about women who don't change their names - it was certainly a cause of some frostiness between her and SiL. However, I've told her in no uncertain terms my name is not changing and I hope she accepts it.

PiLs don't know yet, as far as I know, but our baby due next year will have OH's name so I hope they'll be happy with that. I'm not going to double-barrel or anything like that, the surnames just don't go together!

Bring it up. In the summer when offense is less likely to be taken.

It's a bit hard to believe that this is just because it's an older generation. The sixties happened forty years ago. Given that you havne't taken your dh's name, they may have an opinion about it. This seems to be more about people determined to make a point.

You could address all your cards to them as Mrs and Mr Hername Lastname, next year if they don't take it on board.

I think it's OK to mention it if it bothers you. You don't have to be really confrontational. You could just mention that it is a bit old-fashioned. That's fair enough.

Though, if it's your DH's family, maybe he could drop a few hints?

Hi Heidi - this happens to me a bit and I have to confess it is annoying but probably not the biggest battle to fight (that's persuading FIL that I am not here to f serve him or his kind). I also don't mind being called Mrs Smith by people who don't know I've not taken my DH's name as a lot of women still do, so it's a reasonable assumption if they know his name/our DCs' name.

Even more irritatingly, though, at our wedding the bloody registrar got it wrong. She introduced DH and me to the room as Mr and Mrs Smith. I corrected her that actually we were still Dr Smith and Ms Broom (DH worked bloody hard for that PhD). Cue (nice) laughter from our assembled friends and family.

It bothers me as well, even though yes, there are more important things in the world

My bank, after we mentioned getting married quickly changed the "Hazle Nutt and John Jones" joint account to "Mr and Mrs John Jones." I didn't change my last name and certainly not my first. I do not have any ID that identifies me as Mrs John Jones. My ID says that I'm Hazle Nutt. Still ok?

It's different, you say? But if you agree that I am not in fact Mrs John Jones, why would you address cards and letters to me like this? Especially if you are close enough to send me a card - surely you are close enough to know what my name is?

I didn't know anyone who still used the 'Mrs John' form of address any more - the last time I can remember someone insisting on it was my great-aunt in the 1980's after my great-uncle had died, she got very upset when we addressed letters to her personally - understandable in the circumstances as she was grieving, and having his name still on the letters must have been a comfort to her.

I am not changing my name when I get married next year (tho' not everyone knows that yet), but have had a lot of cards addressed to 'Mr and soon-to-be Mrs Smith' - all from OH's friends.

Either I assume intended as a well-meant joke, in which case it's fine, or they hadn't bothered to check my surname, in which case it's not!

That is positively archaic. I really don?t think that it?s ?just the conventional way of addressing an envelope? ? Mrs John Smith? If they were very elderly I might forgive them, otherwise they need to step into the 21st century.

I wouldn't put it on a par with a racist slur either: I'm sure Debrett's didn't advocate calling anybody 'darkie' in formal correspondence

I'd ignore it tbh.

It's only the vestiges of the older usage, especially if your DH is a younger son. There is no polite way to "correct" another adult's correspondence style; I do not think you should bring it up - it is unlikely to effect any change (see numerous threads about persistently misspelt names etc) and I agree with leBOF.

Also, as someone who never changed name, I'm untroubled by those who make me Mrs DH in social correspondence (anything legal or work related would be a different matter), even if they make it Mrs Hisname DH - I see it as quaint and faintly risible, and totally unrelated to my own sense of identity.