Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

flangelinaballerina I have just checked with Debrett's it is still the correct etiquette to address a married couple as Mr and Mrs DH etc. etc. I have never sought to deliberately offend anyone and feel you are exceptionally misguided. Frankly, your comment that I am talking shit speaks volumes in the context of manners, respect and courtesy, far more than how an envelope is actually quite correctly addressed.

The idea that it is etiquette to address someone in a term which you know they find offensive is a contradiction in terms. This is why you are talking shit, Marriedandwreathedinholly. And I do not believe for one second that someone with enough savvy to use a computer and type coherent sentences can possibly think that deliberately offending someone is anything other than rude. Personally, I can cope with incorrectly being called Mrs DH's surname, as a lot of people still do that and it remains the default assumption. But anyone calling me by his first name too is simply forewarning me of their own backwardness. Nonetheless, I would have the manners to address any woman as Mrs Husband's First Name Husband's Surname, if she so wished.

Kahlua, that is not what a wedding ring signifies. Additionally, it is not for you to decide what the more important things in other people's lives are.

I agree that not many would see themselves as chattels, I would not describe any woman who changes her name as such either, but to me it is a sexist tradition (as is the use of Miss/Mrs) which I had no wish to participate in. I consider our marriage to be a partnership of equals so it would seem strange to me to label only one of us as married by name/title.

"in my case I have politely and repeatedly asked people to respect my wishes. And also explained it on this thread several times as well. Apparently they are incapable of taking any notice."

That is just ignorant and disrespectful. If anyone asked me specifically to address an envelope the way they wanted me to I would do so.

"However, perhaps some people would feel uncomfortable supporting in any way the old tradition of fathers 'selling' their daughters to men and then women changing their name to indicate whose property they were."

I think an awful lot of women don't feel that they are chattels to be given away. I took OH's surname because I wanted to. I don't feel in any way that I "belonged" to my father and am now "owned" by my husband. I see it as an old tradition where the original meaning is now meaningless - or it is to me anyway.

in my case I have politely and repeatedly asked people to respect my wishes. And also explained it on this thread several times as well. Apparently they are incapable of taking any notice.
I don't subscribe to the "putting up with peoples' behaviour because they might drop dead tomorrow" approach.
I give people several chances and that's it because if I'm capable of remembering what someone's name is then they are too.

"They think it is funny and all a bit of a laugh but it just shows me how ignorant they are and that they have totally missed the point."

I suspect it is because they don't attach the same importance to it as you do. I always try to address people the way they wish to be addressed, but if I wasn't sure and I knew that the couple were married I would address a card to Mr and Mrs His Surname simply because that is still the default setting. I wouldn't use the husband's first name on the envelope though.

Oh fgs stop getting so worked up about it - just politely point it out to them and be thankful they sent you cards and are still here and able to send you cards.

kahlua - I didn't really feel it would be losing my identity, but I already had a name and was used to it, so we decided I should just keep that one. I come from New Zealand and it is very common there for women to keep their names, so I also felt like it was a nod to my family history, and as we are the only ones in the UK it seemed important to keep it, even though it won't go anywhere as DD has DH's surname. I don't think rings is the same as both people usually wear rings, not just the woman, whereas traditionally it's only the woman who changes her name.

Kahlua
I wouldn't feel that my identity would be lost if I took my DHs name but that is not the reason why I have decided not to. I just don't see the point of this convention and don't feel the need to change my name after getting hitched.

However, perhaps some people would feel uncomfortable supporting in any way the old tradition of fathers 'selling' their daughters to men and then women changing their name to indicate whose property they were....

My first foray into Feminism so go easy.

I do think it's a complex area, DP and I aren't married but I'll answer to Mrs M if the person I'm talking to doesn't know (usually school).

For couples who are married where the wife has changed her name I'll use Mr and Mrs but no initial. Generally there aren't more than one married couple in a house so you don't need to be clear on which Mr and Mrs H you mean. If you care enough about someone to send a card you should care enough to get their name right.

vixsatis I took my husband's surname because I have no relationship with my father and hated being identified by his name. I would rather take the name of a man I have chosen than one who was biologically foisted on to me.

I think I have just as much right to expect to be addressed as I wish, which incidentally (in case any of you are writing next year's ccard list) is Ms Myfirstname Hislastname.

Mind you, I think you all get a lot more Christmas cards than me so the problem doesn't arise that often...

I agree with all marriedandwreathed said.
I do think there are more important things to worry about in life than friends not always remembering who has or has not changed their surname.
Also, It wood be interesting to know why some women feel their identity would be lost by taking their dh name.
Does that also mean that they also do not wear a wedding ring as that is a sign of belonging to someone?
I personally am happy to be known by dh name and still am my own person.

I'm not married to DP and yet and some of my older relatives addressed cards this year to Mr XXX YYY and family. I just shrug my shoulders...

I'm in the same position with names, and had this a lot to begin with. But it's really faded out now and most people just address things to both of us normally, or sometimes with DH's surname. I used to get furious about it but it doesn't bother me much any more, which I think is a result of getting more comfortable with being married, whereas at the start I felt I'd mistakenly submitted to a patriarchal oppression, really. Now I feel it's a more personal state.

I found a good way to mention it was to say that someone else had sent a card / written a table place name for me etc. and remembered I still use my name and how thoughtful that was. Or to say that they'd spelt my name correctly (doesn't work if your name's not routinely misspelled ). Then they realised without my having to talk to them directly. Or say to a sympathetic family member and ask if they can give them a nudge about it.

Op you are right to be annoyed. It is lazy and inconsiderate of them to use that kind of outdated and offensive language.

I have old etiquette books which have letter writing sections telling people to address married people mr and mrs John smith but since those books also have sections on not having sex before marriage, masturbation causes illness in the mind and homosexuality is evil then I tend to dismiss their 'advice'. Offensive is offensive- why should sexism be ok when it is universally acknowledged that racism isn't?

Come at that from a different angle - if marital status is so important that everyone needs to know, why don't men change from 'Mr' when they get married?
Just because I love someone who loves me doesn't mean we need to share a name and it certainly doesn't have to be his!

Just because I am married doesn't mean I need everyone to know about it, I don't define myself primarily in terms of marital status - I've mentioned it here because its relevant.

As far your SIL's communication about her name, well its unfortunate. I have been clear and polite from the start with all our relatives about what my name is. If one of them told me they wanted to be known as Mr and Mrs Mickey Mouse from now on then it would be polite to address them as that. How is that any different from wanting a card addressed to Ms B Lugosi and Mr C Lee?

It would piss me off too. I did change my name on marriage (just my surname though) and the first birthday after that MIL sent me a card addressed to Mrs DH Slowly, rather than Mrs B Slowly and that really hacked me off.

If marital status is worthless and not worth mentioning why get married at all. When I married my DH I did so because I loved, because he was (and is) a good, kind and honourable man, and because of all those things I remain proud to be his wife, proud to be Mrs DH Marriedandwreathed in Holly, proud to still wear his ring, blessed in God's name, proud to have had his children.

Some things just are and there are far more things to get excited about.

One of my SIL's got married abroad, I was mightily ticked off when I addressed the first card afterwards to Mr and Mrs dh name new surname because she was not using his name. Ever since (16 years now) I address the card only to sil because I clearly couldn't get it to her satisfaction. It was a nice card, it was a nice gesture, it was sent with love and with kindness - it was thrown back in my face and by my mil rather than sil. I have no idea how I am supposed correctly to address her and no idea why she didn't tell me personally how she would like to be addressed. I think it was a basic lack of courtesy.

Why does anyone have the right to know a woman's marital status, even a complete strangers and yet this is so important that the same rule doesn't apply to men?

If someone has chosen to not change their name on marriage then how is it polite and correct etiquette to respect what someone has chosen to call themselves. My identity is not that of a possession of my husband which is why anything addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname either gets bombed without opening or he opens it.
Given that DH doesn't even open bills addressed to both of us (which I still don't understand why that can't be alphabetical not his name first) some of the post can have dust before its opened.

YY. And what irritates me even more is people telling me not to get het up about it, have I nothing bigger to worry about...yadayada, as if I don't have the right to fret over something that isn't somehow life-threatening or some such bollocks (as if they never do...!!).

It pisses me off. It just does. Especially when it comes from people I have known for years and years and yet who have only met my DH a handful of times, and yet suddenly my name isn't relevant in the equation (not to mention getting title wrong - Ms not Mrs).

sorry how am i meant to send your cards??

Mr John Smith and Miss Jane Upidy (even though you are married!!)

Gee I need lessons!!

I'm afraid it annoys me. It's not my name. So it's factually incorrect. Why do so many people assume you can't cause offence by getting people's names wrong? And why is it still so widespread? Are women's identities so unimportant?