Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

Oh, no, you were fine. I think the real target of my irritation is the people who make me jump through hoops to use my name!

I will try your top about borrowing DH's ID - it didn't occur to me that was what you meant, I'm sorry.

I've picked up parcels addressed to DH himself (as opp to me as 'Mrs Dh' and never had an issue, so probably it would work fine). Thank you.

I'm fairly placid about it all in RL, just aware that some people do feel hurt or even angry when you use a name they don't expect or that doesn't display the family associations they thought you'd display. But I am sure for most people a Christmas card is, indeed, just a Christmas card and not very important!

Sorry, LRD - I think I was being far too snippy too.

I meant only the experience in the first half of that line - that married name cheques, which in the days before centralisation of functions could be presented with a copy of marriage certificate and paid into my name account, can no longer be processed in that way.

I think I was getting over strident as I think that Christmas correspondence (where thread started out) is indeed only a minor irritant, and also one that isn't really going to be changed by getting shrill.

Dealing with important correspondence is a different thing altogether, and parcels can be a complete pain and I can see that you've had different and intractable circumstances. I have however found that it can be worked round - you need to borrow ID of the addressee; or at least matching surname to the addressee. If DH's passport is at home, I take that plus Council Tax bill (both names showing household link). And if you ever cancel a lost credit card then find it whilst it's still in date, that is a useful thing for each to carry around without inconveniencing t'other - thus making it possible for him to pick up my parcels too.

But Xmas cards only come once a year - don't let it get to you.

I'm really sorry, I must have been in a stinking mood that day.

I'm also lost ... repeating which experience?

I didn't lecture anyone on tolerance. I was describing myself. I had hoped that sharing experiences might be illuminating for readers of this thread in general. It's a normal thing to do in open Internet forums.

Marriage certificate used to work for cheques, but doesn't any longer. is repeating that experience similarly intolerable here?

Astounding how many people still live in the 1950s and dismiss a woman's desire for her own identity as either irrelevant and churlish or even disrespectful to her husband! Mind-boggling.

I get very annoyed by Mr and Mrs DH Surname, but only get this from older relatives. I either address cards as Mr John and Mrs Jane Smith (if I know she prefers Mrs, otherwise Ms is my default) or address it to The Smith Family. I would never address a women by her husband's name. How condescending and insulting to her as an individual.

It really drives me mad when I get letters addressed to mrs Thompson.It's NOT my name! What really pisses me off is it's not DH's name either.Stupid Post Office.Mrs Thompson lives at 12a!!

On a related irritating and gob smacking note NATIONWIDE BUILDING SOCIETY recently astounded me when I was getting an insurance quote: the only categories I was allowed to put for us were married, divorced, windowed, single or engaged. None of which apply to me. I had to put myself as engaged in the end, even though we are not.

This would bug the hell out of me. I have 3 dc who like you have DPs surname as was important to him. We are not married so I have a different surname. This does seem to help as, although we do get cards adressed to "The s, which I don't mind as class myself as an honorary , I never get the Mrs Husband Name Surname. I find this ridiculously old fashioned and offensive nowadays. It may be a generational thing though as my grandmother insists on it.

I'm with you OP. I can just about hack Mr and Mrs John Smith, but addressing me alone as Mrs John Smith is pretty offensive. The ultimate insult (and IMO a deliberate one from MIL to 'put me in my place') was a letter addressed to Mrs John James Smith! 3 names used and not one that belongs to me!

I have done that with the bank before, and they say no. But I was quite cross, because Barclays were being idiots in several ways, so maybe other banks would be more accepting. We certainly found Halifax was willing to let us open an account as 'Mr and Ms Hisname' by using the marriage cert, even though they accepted I hadn't changed my name. So that may be the answer.

I really noticed all of this just after we got married, when people did a lot of kind-but-misguided sending of stuff in our married names. TBH, I would be a bit worried if I could claim a parcel addressed to 'Mrs J Smith' using ID saying 'Ms LR Dragon', since there were upwards of 20 people living in the house we were in before we moved, and it would have been ridiculously easy to steal things!

If I do get another parcel to Mrs Hisname, I will try the marriage cert thing (and will bring along my bank statements from the account in that name just in case), and will try to remember to report back! But wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to bother?

For those expressing concern about id, if you are married, can't you take a copy of your marriage certificate with you?

Oh, lolly, we did that ages ago!

But sorry, I was snapping.

It's just that although there are of course ways around the problem of people insisting on using your DH's name for you, it would be much simpler if people would just accept that everyone can choose what they want to be called and drop this idea that 'correct etiquette' should win out over convenience and politeness to the other person.

I don't mind people calling me 'Mrs Hisinitial Hisname' as a one-off, but IME the same people who do that do tend to get very upset about re-writing cheques or other problems, because they see it as me 'making problems'. I'd just love to live in a world where this wasn't an issue - even a small one!

Way to go LRD.
You've won the 'I had the first Mumnet spat of the year on the Feminism thread' award.

Ok, that's really great for you but why have they turned me down when I don't have ID? I have no way to prove I am the addressee!

Having cheques correcting is actually a right pain, IME, because people tend to see it as rude not to pay in a cheque promptly and get (understandably, perhaps) annoyed if you tell them they've used the wrong name, especially if you've not bothered to correct them previously because you thought it would be politer.

I do see that for you these are minor issues. They are usually pretty minor for me too. But you're being pretty rude saying they're not issues at all when I am telling you that yes, for me, actually they have been. Does it not occur to you for a moment that maybe my family is (gasp!) not exactly like yours, or maybe I don't quite have the front to say routinely 'ta for the cheque, lovely, but do just re-write it since it's the wrong name'.

You seem to be very keen to lecture me on tolerance. As I have told you, I don't generally correct people, but this does entail some problems, which I have described to you. A bit of basic courtesy would be to accept my experiences instead of repeating your different experiences.

LRD: being another 20+ with no name change, I do not have any "his name" ID and never have. The instructions for pick up however allow for this possibility. Tis is neither nice nor otherwise; it J's a case of following the instructions and taking (as I have said all along) addressee's ID. This definitely works for the Post Office and for UPS and one of the courier firms (can't remember which, but was only last week).

Having cheques and legal documents corrected is not difficult.

Having tolerance and refraining from correcting other adults in RL are both positive qualities, which I value more over time. As other posters have pointed out, this is something which surprising people get "wrong" after surprising lengths of time.

It's a minor matter, easily fixed; and not something on which any part of my self-worth or identity depends. Of course, for some people this may indeed be a major factor in their lives and I would expect them to be more vociferous about it, despite that tending to be counter-productive.

The older I get, the more ridiculous changing your name on marriage seems. It seems to cause all sorts of problems, whether you change it or not. I think everyone should just keep their own names. Much simpler all round.

That happened to me, I have been ignoring it for 10 years, then someone gave me a cheque in my "married" name last year and I had to return it to them. I have no ID whatsoever in the "married" name, luckily the PO here never ask for ID when you pick up parcels. I just can't think of a very tactful way of telling people now, they don't seem to take the hint from, for example, my FB page being in my own name.

Ooops! What did you do?!

I assume she just made a mistake?

The way I feel is, often people don't mean anything by using the wrong name. But if you don't correct them, they can be more offended. I know people who'd feel bad they were using the wrong name if they found out later on, so it's not always the right answer to just ignore it.

In fact I remember when you used to be able to uncross a cheque and write on the back to make it payable to someone else.

Well I don't know LRD I have been married for 21 years and have used dh's surname since our wedding day and my mother sent me a cheque payable to my maiden name this christmas .

Ok, that's nice for you that you don't have difficulty providing ID. But as I said, I have had this problem. They won't give me parcels if they're addressed to Mrs Hisname and I have no ID in that name.

If you have a solution, I'd be thrilled. But taking ID of the addressee does not in fact work. Could it be we're in different areas or something?

I'm not sure what you think I find 'so incredible'?

I didn't change my name. I don't routinely correct social correspondence, but I do sometimes find there are problems when people insist on using the wrong name. I think it would be a whole lot easier if people dropped this idea that 'Mr and Mrs John Smith' is the correct style for all married people.

The reason all of this stuff about cheques and parcels is relevant to social stuff like Christmas cards is that if someone has routinely sent you cards to 'Mrs John Smith', that person may not know the correct name to use for other things. So, do I let it go, then have to explain to (eg) my aunt that no, she has to rewrite the cheque because she's used the wrong name for me, the name she's put on christmas cards and I've not corrected? Surely that will be more annoying than saying nothing in the first place. So what is the solution?

All I'm saying is, it's not so simple as 'oh, just ignore it it's not problem'.

LRD: I have not changed name, live with 3 differently surnamed people and have no difficulty in providing suitable ID. You need to take the ID of the addressee. It's very easy, especially as (depending on carrier) instructions are provided on the card

I ask for changes to financial instruments, such as cheques. Or legal documents. They are important. I have never encountered circumstances where a cheque has nit been reissued.

Social correspondence is not corrected. So yes, ever since I married and did not change my name I have done exactly what you find so incredible. There are differences in degrees of importance; maybe I'm simply more tolerant of this.

marriedinwhite concur with your comments. The cheque was a problem when we moved house and had to open an account just for that.