Feminist help/persepectives on 'PND'

I've written and re-written this. First off, of course PND exists, and it's not something to be dismissed, and you shouldn't write it off out of hand. But I have a friend who sounds very similar to you, OP, and while something is definitely up that needs addressing, she really doesn't feel like PND is it, doesn't require anti-depressants, doesn't 'fit' the questions that she was asked by the GP, etc.

My friend is not feeling great about motherhood. She loves her child beyond measure, and she has the moments of great joy and intimacy that everyone expects. She has the fun times. But she is also doing a lot of the day-to-day stuff (her husband works long hours) and this obviously impacts on her sleep. She's just coming out of a very demanding period in which her extremely vocal baby was very reluctant to be anywhere but on her. This is her first baby, so all the worries are magnified. Day-to-day verbal interaction with a young baby has come as a hell of a shock (and don't get her started on the baby classes she goes to to give herself a bit of a social life). Etc, etc.

She confided all this to me, and I just can't see it as anything other than a perfectly normal reaction to a set of circumstances that will change (and she knows that she will get through this, she knows this is just something for now). My friend has been averaging four hours of sleep a night for MONTHS, and then feeling incredibly guilty about feeling crap. But surely feeling tired, listless, and not at your best is inevitable on such little sleep? I'm not talking about depression here, I'm talking about how every hard-working human would be on no sleep. I'm not sure how to put this, but I think there's a space between PND/no-PND that isn't acknowledged and needs to be.

I suspect it's not at all unusual to take no joy from not sleeping, feeling isolated from your previous life, and doing what is bloody hard work with no handbook! With regard to my friend, a lot of the first-time mums she knows are starting, about six months in, to tentatively edge towards frank conversations in which they all admit that actually, life with a baby isn't like the adverts for fabric conditioner at ALL, and that it's ok to feel like that.

I hope this doesn't come across as minimising PND here because that's not my intention.

OP, firstly sorry to hear you're feeling that way.

I don't have children yet - although I do have depression in my close family - but from an outside (and OK feminist) perspective I would say that yes, it seems totally logical that the set of circumstances you describe could lead to you feeling utterly miserable. Your cat in a bucket analogy does make sense to me - I can imagine very easily feeling like you as a person have disappeared as a result of having to key all your behaviour to servicing the needs of someone else who's not outwardly grateful for it! Doing it all on your own much of the time must surely add to the psychological load.

It seems a little bit from your post like you are conflicted about whether it's OK to be depressed. But deciding whether it's a 'logical' response or not is really by-the-by. What you need to focus on is what can you change to make your situation better, more liveable? For what reasons have you written off ADs? They can be really useful for bumping you out of a very bleak hole by all accounts. Just because your situation is difficult doesn't mean you should reject what medicine has to offer to help you cope with it, if that makes sense.

Can you think tangentially about how you might get some more support with caring for your DS, whether that's from your partner, friends, nursery, a childminder - maybe just a few more hours to yourself every week would start to give you a bit of relief and headspace?

Hope you feel better about things soon.

I had Pre- natal and PND I was an unmarried teen mother and had to keep my ever expanding bump secret for like 7 months from my very relig. family

they did accept
than had a an induction the machine was put up too high so I could breathe properly,
had 4 degree tearing and haemorraghed and was expected to visit everybody rather than visit.
so I had no time to recover, them went on the implant which made me bleed every single day for months on end without a pill, which brings me up to present day having spent the first 2 years of my sons life very ill, I just wish I could turn the clock back.

I can relate to sports fanatic with the 'is this it?' feeling.

you are not alone and certainly not odd.

evenfishbreathe

So sorry you are having a hard time. I had PND after my first DD. It came as an awful shock because I had been bouncy, happy and healthy during pregnancy. I don't know whether it was the response to hormonal 'let down', the result of a horrible birth experience, the shock of being a SAHM after a fascinating career or what. I confess I used to wander the streets with little one in the pram aimlessly and endlessly walking in a grey fog of "is this it then?"

This was many years ago in the days when PND was not really acknowledged and little help was available. Take all the help you can get. You are not wrong or abnormal I promise you.

You have already said the most important things when you said "After all, this too shall pass". But getting support/counselling/friends (whatever works for you) will help it to pass quicker. And work can be a lifeline.

You may be a bit like me - not an earth mother type in the early stages, not best with babies etc. Not all women, contrary to what is believed are good with babies, or even like them much.

If it is any comfort people like us often come into our own with toddlers and older children. I clearly remember when my DD turned round to me as a toddler, stamped her foot and said "No". I felt "hallo little person - at last".

I reiterate, there is nothing wrong with you, don't be hard on yourself get support. It will pass