Perfect Wife Syndrome

My husband would run a mile from this shit, thankfully. If I became the 'Perfect Wife' he'd probably take me to the doctor.

Now I come to think of it, my ex-MIL left all decisions to her husband. We struggled to find common ground, because I've always been independent (and was far more independent than her DS) whereas she was happy for her DH to do the 'heavy lifting' where decisions were concerned.

Seriously as well, what Tilly said and what synicalsal said earlier on - decent men would be utterly confused and probably run for the hills if you suddenly presented them with a new "fascinated" version of yourself.

Which means that the only kind of husband you'll snag for yourself by doing this kind of thing is a total dick. That's what every woman wants, right?

"I realized that what I was doing [by asking him to take out the trash] was having a whole bunch of expectations for him that weren't respectful of his individuality and his right as a man to make his own decisions."

This would be hilarious if she didn't actually think this. WTAF?

But is there a whole book about it?

a great big meanie

FFS - hands up whose DP/DH would like to be refered to as a big meanie?

how to be a perfect husband its a simple list & it does not take much effort:

5 things to do:
www.ehow.com/how_2057939_be-perfect-husband.html

this one involves doing more but it gives tips to make it easy:
www.menshealth.com/mhlists/tips_for_being_a_perfect_husband/
(and the are boobs on the same page)

best bit: Laugh at Her: Your wife isn't funny? So what? Neither is your dolt of a boss, but you laugh at his lame attempts. Why? Because you're trying to prove you respect him. Bingo!

(i am just off to call dp a big meanie & shall be eyeing him very carefully when he laughs in my presence from now on...)

Not once, not ever, have I ever ever ever seen a successful book marketed at men, advising them of how to be the perfect husband.

Not once. Is there one?

I bet there isn't.

That was my first thought OriginalPoster - or else she works VERY part-time in which case she will have plenty of time to get dinner ready (if she feels like it).

Also why is her husband getting home so much later than her?

Belly laugh at the thought of calling my husband 'a great big meanie' through a childlike pout during an argument and expecting him to react well.

I dunno, Original, I used to do a nice boeuf bourginonne after a day earning more than my husband ...

OMG, Blob, noooooo! :(

A framework to justify putting up with the abuse. - It is exactly that, isn't it, Tilly. Every abused spouse tries harder; the whole purpose of abuse is to get the target doing their abuser's work for them - trying ever harder to fit the abuser's template of acceptability.

I agree that FW and The Rules offer guidance on how to fit a generalised template - thus setting the reader up for a life of 'trying harder' to be a fuckable domestic appliance something other than herself.

Ha! There's no way she cooked a casserole after work in the oven, slow cooker maybe, or did she buy it from M and S?

I found it interesting in Cuba where salaries are more "equal" that people aspired more to a job in the tourist industry where they have easy access to dollars, than they did to becoming a doctor/teacher for example. So at the end of the day people are still thinking where the money is.

A very good friend came up with the same theory, as I think, fascinating wife: that if its not working, you the woman must try harder.

She had two v young children, pnd, oh and an extra arsehole namely her husband. Accordng to him pnd was made up by midwives and female doctors, coz they are all wimmin. And she was a crap mum, crap wife etc..

It seemed like some screwed up coping mechanism. A framework to justify putting up with the abuse.

Sunshine & Porto are right.

In many ways Xenia is right, her brand of feminism is very individualistic, (whereas I see it as more of a social justice thing, I suspect I'm not alone) - 'Be a doctor' is very good advice for the individual. On a societal level it would be much better to raise the status of nursing/sahming/ other caring roles, rather than awarding high status to footballers/bankers etc. I do think doctors deserve their high status, btw.

yes I know the arguments about talent and risk and all the rest of it, but that does not detract form the fact that if society valued caring and kindness etc we'd be a lot better off.

*conforming

Yes, that... ///\

This Fascinating Woman thing feels like The Rules re-packaged and re-marketed for when you've 'got' your man and are married. Still confirming to someone else's 'perfect' template and denying the real you.

And I have to say, they're playing fast and loose with the word 'fascinating'. When I think of a fascinating woman, this is not what's coming into my head; in fact it's exactly the opposite.

Again, no reflection on the role these women are playing (I'm a SAHM), rather the way they're playing it.

I agree with sunshine. There is a world of difference between 2 adults making a joint decision about the division of labour in the household, and the FW pov which is that women should serve men, and if they don't do a proper job of it then, well they are just OPEN to abuse and their husband going off to shag someone else.

The big issue to me is the status given to roles traditionally performed by women -ie SAHM = nothing. Xenia comes along and says we should tell our daughters all to become doctors rather than nurses. What is wrong with nurses? We NEED nurses. The problem is that they are undervalued by society and paid shit wages. Because they are mostly women. We need people to clean and care for our children/elderly relatives/the sick and less abled. The people who do this should be treated with the greatest respect.

Funnyface I don't think anyone is saying that. Being an emancipated woman who demands equality and respect doesn't mean you refuse to cook or clean. These are all tasks that need doing.

Most feminists believe that it comes down to equality and a balance of power.

So, for example, it doesn't have to be the case that men do 50% of the cooking for the relationship to be fair. Instead, it could be that the woman does 100% of the cooking but the man does a variety of other tasks to reciprocate, for example.

Other feminists, myself included, believe that the role of SAHM is to be celebrated and that there is nothing wrong with choosing to give up a career and focus on family and home. Women who do this are performing an important social function and feminism should seek to elevate the status of traditionally female activities, rather than denigrating them and trying to get all women away from their children and out into the workforce (and I say this as a working mother). A SAHM is in every way her working DH's equal and he could not do his job without his DW performing her role, which makes her invaluable.

What is so wrong with the surrendered wife/fascinating womanhood type scenarios is the vastly unequal balance of power. In that scenario, men clearly are considered superior, and that' just wrong.

Surly feminism is about allowing women the freedom of choice, if i choose to cook for my husband doesnt mean i lack any self respect. I think there are cases where women are treated unfairly by their husbands but just because i enjoying baking and making sure my house looks nice and my husband is happy doesn't make me oppressed or pathetic.

Its my choice to do these things and likewise its other womens choice to not do them.

that's disgusting about whipping a baby ffs. i will not read the link I will cuddle my 2 month old instead

it's interesting that the DM calls it Perfect Wife Syndrome . A syndrome is when something goes wrong, a 'malfunction' if you like - poor old DM accepting it's wrong even while promoting it. Ha! Fail.

Oh great now i read the page as well. Don't. Some things cannot be unseen.

I've seen taken in hand before. I don't have a problem with the principle of a sub/dom relationship, if the principle is that both parties go into it fully consenting and aware and can opt out at any time. This website goes massively against that though. TBH it reads like something written as fantasy. Out of proportion, arousing as an idea, but smooths over any potential issues which would occur in RL. Sickening to think that evidently some people take it seriously.

The "Rape is a gift" page I was brave enough to look at before. It just seems to play into the myth that "most women" have a rape fantasy and then proceeds to ignore that the "rape fantasy" most women have isn't actually about rape at all. Disgusting.