Marriage - yay or nay?

I view it as a legal contract. I think the idea that cohabiting gives you equal rights is a huge misconception and I think it's very much in men's interests that cohabiting has become so popular.

I also loathe the culture of overspending wildly on the wedding, mainly becuase it leads to people delaying and sometimes never getting married because they're waiting until they can afford their "dream wedding". If you want to make this legal commitment for the very good reasons Calin stated in her second paragraph, you can do so without spending stupid amounts of money.

May I offer a thought as someone who has been a feminist (since kindergarten!) but has also been married for 45 years. If you start off as an equal partnership, where, apart from the messy childbearing bit, you are both willing to share or swap roles as circumstances require then marriage has everything going for it.

If there is any suggestion that either partner has set ideas on roles or is wary of sharing/swapping etc. do not get married.

I have quite strong 'views' about marriage, and weddings, similar to the OP and could spit bile with rage when women talk about being 'given away by their father' to their new husband and it supposedly being 'the happiest day of your life', implying that it's all down hill after that.

I also have an intense fear of being a Wife if I got married when my partner would still get to be himself.

And yet, also like the OP, there is something about celebrating your relationship formally and sorting things out legally seems really appealing.

What I find more difficult to reconcile is the fact that when I saw pictures of my ex at his wedding I felt jealous! Not that I want to be with my ex, he's an emotional tool, but that there is a space for people to celebrate their relationship and are protected legally, but it's just so flawed.

I don't really care to be truthful. Marriage itself is what the couple make it-at heart, it is a legal contract.

It has its advantages and its disadvantages.
Advantages in that if a person leaves job to become sahp this will be recognised as having worth and liable for compensation from other spouse if thing break down.
The disadvantage is that cohabiting relationships are not recognised as having legal rights (other than those that are explicit such as a joint mortgage etc) so that a lot of sahp's lose out.
But, then again, I am very much against cohabitee rights as nobody should be made de facto married by the state.

Then again, the advantage with cohabitation is that there is no need (apart from the divvying up of jointly held assets and childcare) to go through the courts to end things. You can get up and leave.

Swings and roundabouts.

I've been married and divorced without children and also left a long-term co-habiting relationship with children.

I don't actually want to ever have another living together relationship (married or otherwise) so I'm not really the best person to answer this, but hypothetically speaking, I would only contemplate marriage again with someone who was 100% my equal in every way in terms of contribution to the marriage, whether that's financial or otherwise.

I can't help feeling that in the past marriage granted men power over women and allowed them to be exploited. In the present, marriage means that women who have bucked the trend and become the main earners get taken to the cleaners when they divorce, even if there are no children involved.

I would have quite happily divided my assets with my DCs father if he'd been contributing his part by looking after the DC, helping with housework, being emotionally supportive, etc, but he did none of those things, hence my wanting to leave him in the first place. If I had been married to my DCs father, I know he would have tried to take me for everything he could get, none of which he either earned, contributed to or deserved. I am incredibly thankful I never married him.

OTOH, for many women, who are still the second earners or SAHMs, marriage offers them some protection in the event of divorce (although if the statistics are anything to go by, it's amazing how little the law is able to enforce divorced men to pay maintenance/mortgage payments on time, if at all).

It may sound cynical but marriage is only a good idea when there is either true equality or the person you're marrying has more to lose than you. You may be better off just having a hell of a party and seeing a solicitor to build up a custom-made contract tailored to you and your DPs specific needs. More expensive but probably more useful if things went wrong.

And for all that, I'm an old romantic at heart and love a good wedding.

My feminist credentials are practically non-existent, but here's my take on it:

Marriage is first and foremost a legal contract. If you feel committed to a person and want to stay with them for a long time then it is very very important to get married IMO as it offers legal protection to the couple. All assets automatically become joint assets, you become your partner's next of kin so have legal rights when it comes to illness and death, you automatically inherit your partner's assets if he or she dies without paying any tax, and if any children do come along then the relationship between father and child in particular is cemented in law. I think it's very foolish for a committed couple not to protect themselves in this way.

As for the points you've raised, they are all valid and I think a lot of people do find that their relationship changes in some way after marriage, in some good ways and in some bad ways. I think most people would agree there is a satisfying sense of completion about being married and it gives a lovely feeling of being secure and being a family. However some people find that traditional roles are foisted upon them more after marriage, possibly because the traditional (sexist) image of "husband" and "wife" is so ingrained in our psyche. It's important I think to fight against that and to try to maintain balance in the relationship.

As you know, you can just pop along to the registry office with two witnesses and no fuss so the traditional trappings can be avoided. A big wedding day (minus the sexist elements) can be great fun though!