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Original poster

What is this?

59 replies

trailing · 23/09/2011 09:33

I've name changed for this.

I live in an Asian country where prostitution and "massage" parlous that offer a "happy ending" (vile phrase) are incredibly common. The street I used to live on had two or three massage parlous or "hairdressing" salons (whore houses) and I was in a smart part of town. The prostitutes are mostly picked up in bars. It is the same in most of the large cities near where I live to the point that I can't name a city in Asia where this isn't common.

On Tuesday I discovered that almost every man I know uses these massage places and have the "happy ending." By every man I do mean every man in my social circle. Not just friends but friends of friends and people I've met a few times down the pub. I'm sure there are some who don't but they are a minority.

If this wasn't sad enough I'm told that the men (and I use the word loosely because I don't have enough respect for any of these scumbags to call them men) have favourite girls and discuss them when the men get together. Yep, this isn't some dirty little secret, something that pervy men do but don't want anyone to know. No, this is out and proud... except...

I'm the only wife who knows. So they clearly know how fucking disgusting and revolting it is and that their wives would geld them if they knew about this.

These men have girlfriends, wives, fiancees, pregnant partners, babies at home, toddlers, children, teens and adult children.

Apart from the issues that my H and I are now going through I feel nothing but disgust and horror at what these men are doing not only to their families but also to the poor girls who work in these massage places. I'm sick and angry and hurt and just fucking beyond it. Yes, by every man I know I do mean every man I know including the one who promised to love me forsaking all others. Angry :(

Firstly how do I deal with all the other men? Should I just smile and pretend I don't know they use other women for their selfish pleasure?

Secondly why do they do this? Because they can? Because they're all tosspot wankers?

A friend of mine said a few years ago that she didn't know one single relationship in this place that didn't involve infidelity. She was right. :(

OP posts:
steamedtreaclesponge · 23/09/2011 10:07

God, what a horrible position - and what a horrible thing to find out about. I think I would probably tell those of the wives that I'm closest to, and hope that they spread the information further. But it's a tricky thing to do - especially if they already know or are in denial, and it could make your position very uncomfortable if they decide to ostracise you for speaking out. How long are you living out there for? Are you planning to return at some point or is this your permanent home?

ChristinedePizan · 23/09/2011 10:06

oh trailing how awful for you, I can't imagine how furious and disgusted and shocked you must feel.

I suspect they do it because they can and because everyone else does it so it becomes socially acceptable. There are probably men who arrive from Europe and think that they won't participate, and then gradually they become desensitised and don't think of the girls as people any more. And I bet they need to get all their colleagues and friends involved so that there isn't a voice of dissent left. There must be a huge amount of peer pressure and there is probably a 'well they're prostitutes anyway and I'm kind and don't hurt and pay well and they need the money' bit of justification going on too.

None of that makes it remotely okay of course but I'm just trying to understand the reasons a man who might never dream of going to a prostitute here might justify it to themselves as being acceptable there.

Could you tell your close friends? I don't think I could know that my friend's husband was regularly seeing prostitutes and not tell - I'd feel complicit. What a hideous situation to be in

Original poster
trailing · 23/09/2011 10:00

I might not be able to post later as H will be home and I'm about 7 hours ahead of the UK.

H is going for STD test over the weekend.

OP posts:
SybilBeddows · 23/09/2011 09:57

I wonder if any of the other wives actually do know but are pretending it isn't happening because they're at a loss as to how to deal with it.

flippinada · 23/09/2011 09:52

Bloody hell, how awful. No wonder you are upset and reeling from all this.

I know its not much help but I would probably feel much the same way as you. Actually you can scratch that probably - I would feel the same way, shocked, disgusted, saddened...lots of sympathy.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/09/2011 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
trailing · 23/09/2011 09:50

I should also add that none of us work as most of us can't on our spouse visas and it's almost impossible to change to a non spouse visa once you're on one.

OP posts:
Original poster
trailing · 23/09/2011 09:49

Some of the women are my closest friends. Some are women I know well enough to call for a coffee but not well enough to tell them my dreams/fears to. Others are just women in my friendship circle who I'd say hi to at the pub but not do lunch with.

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 23/09/2011 09:44

Oh wow trailing. What a lot to deal with Sad. I am just replying quickly now as I didn't want your post to go unanswered but will come back later when I've thought some more about your questions. Just a quick question - how well do you know their wives/partners?