What is this?

I'm so very, very sorry to hear this trailing - I don't have much useful to add but ... if there is anything I can do. .

Gosh what a horribly upsetting situation to be in. I am so angry for you and all the other women concerned.

I think the advice about action on your DH's part is good. If you decide that you can stay with him, you are going to need him to educate himself as to what he has participated in, and be sure that his 'sorry' comes from a place of someone who understands exactly what they have done.

I'm another one who thinks the other women need to know, but agree that you and your DH will make yourselves targets for a lot of animosity if you do this. Knowing that you have done nothing wrong will probably be of little comfort if your social group turns on you. I don't think it is your responsibility to let these women know - I think it is your DH's. If he is really sorry and really cares then he should do something to make this stop.

And big big hugs for you - do you have anyone close to you who can look after you a bit whilst you figure this sorry mess out?

Oh and although I get the normalization/when in Rome thing, I think it is a pathetic excuse for acting so misogynistic. I think more of men than to think that their brains fall out and they are unable to behave with humanity, just because others around them are doing so. We only really tend to think that this sort of excuse holds (for grown ups) when it comes to sexual exploitation of women I notice.

This is a cultural 'norm' that is prevalent among expat Western workers, especially in Asia and the Middle East. It's absolutely disgusting as most of the men involved are good family men on the surface but with company jobs where this kind of behaviour is considered almost part of the job.

I think the expat culture in these places is quite poisonous and can very quickly contaminate even the most decent people. A lot of people go for these expat postings for the money and then wind up with broken marriages or health problems from the sick culture that prevails. It's not worth it so I think your plan of looking for jobs elsewhere is a good one, trailing.

If its any consolation, this issue happened to my DH's aunt when her family was posted abroad with her husband's job (oil industry, which is a big employer in my DH's part of Scotland). She decided to move her family back home as a result and their marriage was on the brink. THey did manage to repair things once they got back home and into a more normal environment, however, and they're still married now 20 years later. So I think a marriage can recover from this if both parties want to work at it but you need to get out of that toxic expat environment.

Having recently been in a big online argument where a sex worker swore that most sex workers weren't exploited, that sex work is like any other job and there should be no stigma, blah, blah... I wish she could read this thread because this is the end result of what she was asking for and it sounds anything but healthy or positive.

Trailing - I'm so sorry to hear what happened, you must be absolutely devastated. It is disgusting that your husband has chosen to piss all over your marriage like this.

Your situation sounds awful and I hope you don't feel that if your marriage is not salvagable, that you are pinned into it because there are no alternatives. There are always alternatives.

It sounds as though it's a case of "when in Rome," or in this case, when in the place you are living in where sexual exploitation of vulnerable, impoverished women and abuse of children is considered as "normal" as buying an ice cream. It's impossible to know whether other wives are aware of what their husbands or doing, whether they do and feel no option but to tolerate it or be homeless, penniless and stateless, or what.

It just brought to mind an upsetting story told to me by a woman on another message board I used to frequent. Her 12 year old daughter had just disclosed that she'd been seriously sexually assaulted - over a period of several months, but the father of her best friend. This man made regular trips to Thailand on business and was very open about the fact that he procured sexual services from women and girls there. His wife for some reason tolerated it as his "little treat" because he worked very hard and the girls didn't mean anything to him.

The problem is that he seem to have "normalised" the idea that there is nothing wrong with having sex with 12 year old girls. It was only a few steps from sex with nameless, faceless Thai girls in brothels to forcing himself on his young daughter's friend.

The person who told me the story said her daughter strongly suspected that her best friend (the businessman's daughter) had also been subject to sexual abuse from her dad for many years.

It just reminded me how easy it can be to rationalise that something is "acceptable" in one context and then shift that "acceptableness" into another context as well. Perhaps the wives of men using these "services" should be concerned about the safety of their own children.

Oh trailing. I'm so, so sorry you're having to go through this.

Only you can decide what you're going to do, but I just wanted to let you know that if you're a UK citizen, even if you've been out of the country for years you will be eligible for universal and income-based benefits as soon as you take up residence back in the UK (e.g. Child Benefit, JSA, Income Support. Tax credits may take longer to sort out because they always work on the previous year's income, but you would still get them eventually). If you want to leave him and return to the UK, you won't find yourself penniless.

If you decide to try to work things through with your H, I think it is vital he shows he is truly sorry for what he's done, rather than just saying it. To that end, it would probably benefit him to educated himself about the effects of the industry on the poor women that are caught up in it, and possibly for him to make reparations, such as donations or some unpaid work for charities that help these women. He really needs to feel the RL impact of his behaviour, and want to do something to make up for it, otherwise I fear your respect for him will be permanently damaged and your marriage doomed to failure anyway. Loss of respect nearly always results in the death of a marriage IME, even if there is initially still a fair amount of love left.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck with it. I'll be thinking of you.

Overton window is exactly it - I couldn't remember what it was called.

Hope your DD sleeps well tonight. God you must feel so utterly, utterly betrayed. It must feel like the foundations of your world have been stripped away :(

Good idea re talking to some of your friends before you go - I suspect that if you tell a few, they will tell others. I also wonder as Sybil says if some of them know or at least suspect but have no idea how to deal with it. Or if they have convinced themselves that their husband/partner is a decent man and so wouldn't participate.

I am going to be offline now for the rest of the weekend but I will be thinking of you. Sending you love and strength to get you through it xx

I'm so sorry to hear that you're living in a nest of arseholes, trailing. You and all the other women and families involved deserve so much more. I do think it's important to speak out to the other wives, if possible. You can shift that Overton window right back to where it should be, or if not that, at least more towards the realms of half-decent behaviour.

Thinking of you :(

I just wanted to add my support for what is an awful situation. But I think though you have to tell the women closest to you as they're likely putting themselves at risk of STDs. Can you do it before you leave to go to PILs, and maybe then avoid some of the flak which will come your way?

well, if he is truly sorry there is hope.

Your situation sounds scary trailing - it must be difficult being so far away.

Is there any way that your DH would relocate his job to get away from that kind of ingrained culture? I think it would be very difficult for this kind of behaviour to stop, tbh, if the whole social scene is geared around it.

Oh I am so sorry trailing .

How bloody awful.

My personal take on it was that I just couldn't get through it. I just thought DP was a disgusting piece of meat and couldn't get past it. Mind you he had been carrying on like it for ages, it wasn't just a one off.

'normalised for what passes for normal'

Fantastic use of the English language there.

My ex partner started a business in a far east country.

He got up to all sorts, and was astonished that I was so upset by it all, as he was completely normalised by what passes for 'normal' out there.

Thank christ he is my ex. It was absolutely horrible what went on.

What a thing to be dealing with trailing.

As for why they do it, who knows? I guess from what you describe it is 'normalised'. Not that it's ANY excuse whatsoever. Those poor girls and women :(

How has your H been behaving since you found out? Has he been apologetic, contrite, disgusted with himself...cos he bloody well should be!!