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Original poster

What do you do about childcare when friends visit

59 replies

oncemorewithfeeling · 18/09/2011 10:26

OK please let me know what you think. My H's friend is visiting this weekend. Beforehand we had a couple of conversations about activities for the weekend and had agreed that on Saturday night they would go out and that I would do breakfast for our 18month old on Sunday so he can have a lie in (he usually does breakfasts and I do nights). He had also planned to go for a walk and lunch somewhere you cant take a pram (I agreed) and I had mentioned I needed some time to do some work over the weekend.

Now I had assumed that just because we have a visitor does not mean he gets the whole weekend 'off' from parenting. We usually each do a stretch of solo parenting on the weekend so the other can have a break to do whatever they like. I had assumed that this would be the same but I'd try to do a bit more to give him extra time. Anyway its turns out that yesterday I essentially parented alone the whole day minus an hour, I then asked my H to do the bath which he seemed a bit annoyed about. Today I woke him at 9 (we are ususally up at 6) to take over for me and he was really annoyed.

Now he had thought that he'd get the whole weekend off. I am having a friend over soon and he's already agreed to do dinner and bath so we can go out in the evening. But apart from that I had assumed that I would do stretches of childcare over the weekend to give him time off.

Anyway he's annoyed at me and his friend seems to think I am some sort of harridan because I said just cos you hvae a friend over doesnt mean you stop being a parent, you still need to look after DD for a few hours a day. Sure I am trying to give them some time to themselves but I find it too much to parent alone all day. Im quite upset cos I had thought I was being quite generous and supporting (i had noticed that he seemed quite irritated with me whenever I was trying to arrange times for him to take over). I am doing more than my usual but he thinks I am not doing enough. He says that when my friend comes over he will do everything but he's never actually done a full day's solo parenting, besides I will want to do some things with my friend and DD together. So he will hvae some time to himself while we go off for a walk or to child friendly cafe.

OK so obviously we need tp communicate more clearly but..am I unusual in having assumed that he'd still do some childcare this weekend?

OP posts:
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skrumle · 21/09/2011 12:36

way too late to the party OP but i have to say as i read the first few replies to your post with this actual expression on my face: Confused

FWIW i do think this is a feminist issue as i think it is much more common for mothers with a child-free female friend visiting to be expected to do something that allows the child to spend at least some time with them than it is for fathers with a child-free male friend. i really don't see why women should be any more keen to go to a child-appropriate place for lunch than men should be.

i find it odd for any parent to expect to have a weekend "off" while they are in the same physical place as their children - a night out, an afternoon walk, whatever is totally fine - but an entire weekend seems ridiculous IMO. and as the other parent it would do my head in having them in my way while getting no help. if the friend visiting has no interest in me and my kids then i couldn't be arsed having them to stay!

glad you got it sorted. have to say it's not really something i have great experience of, after we had kids we've only ever had family or else friends with kids stay overnight with us.

PlentyOfPubgardens · 19/09/2011 17:48

I think it's fairly reasonable to expect a discussion of the (possible) gender issues if you post a situation on feminism.

Glad it's sorted OP Smile

WhollyGhost · 19/09/2011 17:18

But don't you understand that not all of us experience parenthood as sheer relentlessness?

I wouldn't mind in the slightest if my DH behaved as yours has done. If I needed a couple of hours break from my toddler to catch up on work I'd ask friends for a favour or phone a babysitter if they were busy. Likewise, my DH has never minded when I've had friends to stay or gone away for the weekend.

Which is why the SN board suggestion was sensible, because parents there tend to have a tougher time, which might give them a different perspective. Or maybe not.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2011 16:00

I am sorry you didn't get precisely the answers you were after

I take it the Feminist Board has disappointed you in some way ?

FWIW, the suggestions to ask on different boards were meant to be helpful, and get you more replies that were very specific to your situation...they weren't meant to be an insult and your defensiveness seems rather misplaced

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 19/09/2011 15:52

It was a weird weekend but its sorted now. I think sometimes my H still has to catch up with the sheer relentlessness of parenthood. He sees that too. And we needed to have talked through our expectations of the weekend more clearly.

I posted in a state of complete confusion, it hadnt even occurred to me that he might expect to have the whole weekend free. Whatever it is, maybe just a burst of insensitivity and selfishness, it wont happen again cos he can see thats not the way to go.

But in retrospect I am most surprised at being turned into some sort of victim (depression, SN) just because I expect my H to do some parenting on the weekend.

OP posts:
BOMBAYANDMJONICE · 19/09/2011 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fluffles · 19/09/2011 15:47

i understood what you were saying - i hate how sometimes 'the men' get to go bike riding and 'the women' 'get to' sit around with the babies Angry

i haven't got a baby yet, and many of my friends assure me that they WANT to be with their babies all the time and don't want to go for a bike ride... but i'm a bit Hmm about that.

tbh. i didn't reply earlier though cause dh doesn't really have any friends who we wouldn't both spend time with together when they visit... i know all his friends and when they visit we'd probably spend 80% of the weekend altogether (with future, theoretical baby) and they'd only spend 20% just the two of them.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 19/09/2011 15:44

That should be "You and your DH clearly have different ideas..."

HerdOfTinyElephants · 19/09/2011 15:42

If DH had a friend visit I would expect that they had come to visit us as a family unit, albeit motivated by DH's presence. So, although I might expect DH and friend to have an evening at the pub catching up over a pint, I would expect the DCs to be a part of the weekend as a whole and would find DH's doing nothing with them all weekend rather odd (the DCs would find it more than a little odd too). And the same in reverse if I had a friend to visit -- I wouldn't want to spend the whole weekend at home but not interacting with my children.

I don't know if it's a gender issue, though. You clearly have different ideas about how your DD, and your role as a parent, integrates into the rest of your life, but I don't know if that's a gendered thing because I can't actually think of any fathers I know who would take the same attitude as your DH on this.

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 19/09/2011 15:38

Yes, you did and thank you pubgarden. It was the first couple of responses that really got me.

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PlentyOfPubgardens · 19/09/2011 15:34

Hey!

A couple of us saw your point!

MumblingRagDoll · 19/09/2011 15:34

Gender does come into it....a woman finds it impossible to switch off generally. I know I do. It's very ough.....if you get in this sitation again, then DH should go out with his friend AND the DC....I know that's what my DH would do....he's not perfect but he always takes our DDs out withhis friends when we are (rarely) with them...

MumblingRagDoll · 19/09/2011 15:32

I wouldn't be sure really...I think if DH had a friend round then I would expect half of that time to be spent as a unit....the friend and myself and DH and our child...I would be happy ofr DH to go out aloe with the friend too...he shouldn't epect the whole time child-free. SN or not.

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 19/09/2011 15:28

and I particularly loved the suggestion that I should do it all with a smile on my face.
So t next time I want to know something about fem/ist perspectives to gender roles I will ask my friends, and goodness even my H (because even tho he made a stupid assumption this weekend, even he can see what I am talking about)

OP posts:
Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 19/09/2011 15:25

Got my head straight again and must say I am surprised at how a query over the gender split on caring for our daughter turned into lots of comments asking whether I am depressed or suggestions that I should take my question to the SN section.
Fem/ist discussion board - hmmm Hmm
Not saying you all need to agree with how we organise our household but actually think the question I was posing about potentially gendered assumptions on parenting was quite clear.

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Bootcamp · 18/09/2011 16:07

If your at home then you can't switch off to parenting I don't think.

Bootcamp · 18/09/2011 16:05

I wouldn't expect dh to have a weekend off at home. You are still a parent wether your friend is there or not. I definitely do less when dh is here, I too need breaks from dd's, at present anyway.

RitaMorgan · 18/09/2011 15:57

Well, my child doesn't have any developmental delays and we don't have a shift agreement, but I would be very Hmm if my DP expected a weekend off if he had a friend round. I'd expect him to have some time/nights out just with his friend, but I'd also expect we'd all do things together and that he might take DS out without me or let me have a lie-in still.

If he'd asked in advance to have a child-free weekend and to give me one in return I wouldn't have minded, but it seems strange to me that your DH didn't organise this with you but is complaining now. I wouldn't make an assumption that I'd get a weekend off childcare just because I had a friend round.

PlentyOfPubgardens · 18/09/2011 15:54

I think family guests should be prepared to encounter your family. If that's a problem, you (your DH in this case) should stay elsewhere.

I really enjoy having house guests but when the DC were younger we tended to plan activities we could all do together and then in the evening, whoever's friend it was got to go out with them. Otherwise, you're cooking and cleaning for somebody who is treating your house like a hotel, to coin a cliche. We only ever invited friends who were happy to spend time with DC around - most of them were, even the childless ones.

AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 15:43

OK, I get ya

I was on a different track there...

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 18/09/2011 15:39

I mean I need to do some work for a deadline next week. Not hugely urgent yet but its niggling.

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jellybeans208 · 18/09/2011 15:35

As I said I wouldnt do it at home but yeah i thought nothing off going away without a baby/toddler/pre schooler and leaving my husband do do it all for the weekend.

I dont think its an expectation more with men than off women I think its vital that both have time off to continue their social life as before as it makes you both happier and you should have your own life. Also if a person without akids is the friend they wont want to spend all their time or even some of their weekend off with kids.

I bet if you had a weekend/whole nights off to go and do your thing regularly it would make you feel a lot less stressed and you would find it easier when you do have to do chunks of childcare on your owno is

AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 15:35

This still isn't going to answer your question in quite the black and white way you want it to

but I would expect the same freedoms/responsibilities wrt childcare on days where neither parent is working

with some flexibility in special circumstances, which should be pre-agreed and applied across the board

you know you keep saying you want some free time "to do some work" what work do you mean ? Jobs around the house ? Housework ? Laundry ? Are those household jobs a source of inequality/resentment in your house too ?

Original poster
oncemorewithfeeling · 18/09/2011 15:29

What I am asking is: do you (female) expect to be home and not do anything with/for your children all weekend if your friends visit? Does your partner (male) expect to be at home and not do anything with your children all weekend if his friends visit?

I am asking this in the context of having babies/toddlers. I had thought that there would be more of this expectation amongst men that women. I had also thought that many women would find it strange to visit a female friend with children and not spend some of the time with those children (mixed with some child free time ideally)

PS: Given our family situation some scheduled free time in the week really works for us. I thoroughly recommend it tbh

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AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 15:16

Yes, I agree

OP, next time this friend wants to stay, suggest your DH goes to him/her

Then you get a lovely weekend where you know what to expect and can plan accordingly

I find house guests a fucking awful strain at the best of times