Have ordered Wifework....slightly concerned about the after effects

TPL - well don't tidy up so much then. Just OMG leave it, toys and stuff does not always have to be neatly stacked and put away every night.

'Waking up to the injustice' - what on earth does that mean? I really don't get it?! Is there injustice when I was at home clearing up runny poo whilst DH was in Frankfurt on business enjoing a sausage dinner? No it was not, it was just the way it was and I did not mind one bit. Its boring stuff that needs not a thought just got on with. Here is how I see it going:-

YOU - I would like more help around the house as it's all a bit much at the moment, could you do X Y & Z
HIM - OK, happy to help, just tell me what you need

Job done.

No big book tour over egged debated, just two adults conversing. TBH is I quoted from a book to DH he's think I'd lost the plot as he knows me and wants to hear what I think not some book.

"It affects my choice of job but not his, the hours I work but not his, etc." This encapsulates one of my core reasons for being a feminist.

So are you going to be continually pissed off until there is a strict 50-50 balance night and day and flog yourselves to death about it night and day? Sounds like fun.

It can never be like that, ever. Life is fluid and we all adapt to what happens in our life, kids or no kids. So is that what a femninst is then, someone who is bitter about being at home with kids even though she chose to do so and view herself as demeaned and not quite up to scratch with her other half? Feminist who place little or no value on a woman in the home, cheers for that.

What about harmony, compromise and value?

ProvincialLady - I've not read it (though people have quoted from it so much I feel as if I have sometimes! ), and I've been meaning to. Would you be up for chatting about it in a little bit when we've both had a read of it? I'd love someone to talk to who's also in the process of reading it.

Well yeah me too re relaxing - I knew that from a very early age

So what do you do if you are brought up that way? You have to make a concerted effort to change your conditioning, and your husband's too. Not easy, and I wouldn't be thinking it's something special on my part if I didn't have to.

Great if you have that wisdom so young jellybeans, for a lot of people it's something that comes with maturity. Most people 'try on' a variety of roles when they re young, ime, later shrugging off the ones that don't fit.

I don't know if it's the work as such in many cases, it's the recognition. I don't know the ins and outs of DH's average day - I know the ins and outs of his pay packet though and I recognise the lifestyle it enables us to have. Tangibles like roof over our head and intangibles like not worrying about whether if we have to bring the dc to the doctor (its e50 a visit here).

So maybe DH doesn't know exactly what I do all day when I'm at home (PT worker). But he does recognise that dinner is always on the table, clothes in the wardrobe, bills paid, kids vax up to date,, you can see out the windows, his mum got her birthday card etc etc. Tangible and intangible things that make life work and be pleasant. that are not done by magic, they are done by me.

it's easy to say though Moondog when it's just the two of you that things will be/are equal. It just seems to creep up when you throw kids into the mix, someone gets a promotion, maternity leave, you end up goimg aaround in the same old groove.

Another thing I've noticed, is when a very young couple move in together they 'play' at house, it's the novelty of being 'a grown up wife'. I've done it myself in the past. This can get entrenched really and when the novelty you still find yourself stuck with it.

Moondog, I wholeheartedly agree but I suspect when in the throes of love no one wants to bring up the mundane arrangements of married life! I can just see it, a romantic dinner in Paris overlooking the seine. He whips out beautiful ring and makes heart rending "you complete me" speech followed by proposal to which she replies "yes but only if you promise to wash your pubes out the bath"!!

Oh, and if, when you've talked about it, he refuses/objects, then you know you have a real problem. At the moment, you have an opportunity.

I'm really interested in the fact that women obviously get together with me, buy homes ,adn have kids before sorting out this stuff.
It's fiundamental.

I can understand that your husband wouldn't want to read a book about it - I doubt if mine would either - but it's clear from your OP that it's time for you both to talk about this. You can preface it with "now things are changing, I need you to do more of x, y and z ...".

He no doubt needs some of this bringing to his attention. Don't get resentful, cross, bitter and twisted, etc, if he doesn't do it without you talking to him about it.

And if he's frightened of you, then so much the better! That is a joke by the way ...

I think it is important to see your work as a SAHM as a paid job equal to that of your husband's and that he values it too. From that he will understand that when you increase your hours outside the home the excess workload at home must be shared. It's simple economics but the trouble is that our patriarchal culture doesn't necessarily recognise the work of the sahm, hence recent poster's belief that her home is solely courtesy of her husbands labour and not hers.

I think one good measurement is to see if the two of you have equal leisure time. Plus the recognition that staying at home can be intellectually and socially isolating so your business ambitions are important for your mental well-being.
Good luck

TPL- If you were to say to your husband that this was an issue that was really bothering you, and that the book explains it better than you can so could he please read it, what would he say? Do you think he would actually refuse? If so, you may have greater problems in your relationship than just the balance of housework.

It should not be your sole responsibility to come to a solution that suits you both. Your DH should also see this as his problem as much as yours. You taking full responsibility for ensuring the emotional health of your relationship -ie so that neither of you feels resentful or fed up with the other is yet another example of Wifework.

Right, so you were for sale moondog, and you've been bought and paid for?

How lovely. I'm sure we're all v v v v jealous.

My husband's choices affect my choice and hours of work too.
However, as he earns about 3 times what I do and as I sit in my lovely mortgage free home (courtesy of his labour) I think I can live with that.

[hmmm]