British men choosing foreign wives for their "Stepfordesqeness"

I think I'm going to be sick.

The "daddy" wife-buyer I mentioned earlier claimed that his wife loved him because she fussed over him and did all the housework. I suspect he actually believed that that is what love should look like.

Even my mum, who claimed to be very liberal about this sort of thing, was squicked out by him and never invited him to her house again.

I remember years ago when I was researching our trip to Lake Baikal, I stumbled across a Russian bride (I think that was even the name or something similar) website run by an American and his Russian wife to organise marriages between western men and Russian women. One man on the forum was complaining that having brought his wife back to the UK, she was not sleeping with him, she demanded money for clothes and whatever else but she barely spoke to him. They were all outraged, she had to be brought into line. Even the Russian women there were saying this kind of thing. I think I was the only person who saw that page who kind of understood the women even if I didn't particularly admire her for what she had done. Seems she wanted to be in the west to have a career as a singer...

I didn't understand it at all. He really thought she cared about him? I suppose he must have and the women, do they think they have to keep to a bargain they've made?

I agree with the lack of insight thing. I always think this when I hear about the Russian bride thing. They know this woman they have met via a website and with whom they probably cannot communicate fluently, is marrying them not out of love but for a chance at having a different lifestyle, or possibly also due the fact that there are a lot more women in Russia than men, they just want a family, specifically children and probably won't be able to have that at home.

Why do these men believe they are loved? I don't get that part. I understand the buyer/seller marketplace mentality of the whole thing but not how you then convince yourself the wife you have "obtained" in this way, loves you.

I don't mean every cross-cultural marriage but specifically this type of mailorder bride set-up.

I think they kid themselves that they are deserving of a loving wife, even if they've not found one, and they then feel very proud of the attractiveness and submissiveness of the wives they end up with, because these superior qualities 'prove' they really did deserve a great wife after all.

I suspect they also convince themselves that everyone else's relationships are more or less bargains of some kind, so theirs is no different.

What I find really striking, is that none of these men have any insight.

How can they have such little self-respect that they will purchase a wife?

And lots fo them kid themselves that this is a real relationship, more romantic and special than those of their friends, that it is something really good they've got here... It doesn't seem to occur to them that only someone who really can't have normal relationships with women, needs to go thousands of miles away to purchase one . They never seem to ask themselves searchng questions, do they?

The sheer lack of insight is incredible to me.

''There was a documentary a few years ago about a man who ran an agency for british men to find brides - in I think it was thailand. ''

SardineQueen I think I saw this one too. His 'submissive' Thai wife left him and he immediately got a new very young Thai woman to parade around.

I worked with a Thai-wife purchaser in the late 80s so it's not that new. He and his brother got wives through an agency. He couldn't be bothered to go through the machinations of courting someone, spending money on dates and being pleasant (his own words!) when he could, for a one-off payment, have someone keep house for him during the day and treat him like a sex-god at night. He was a creepy bastard, not bad-looking but no social skills at all. Yuk!

I know a few wife-purchasers, mainly people my parents know or work with. The common denominator with them seems to be that they are the kind of slightly creepy, socially inept, unclear-of-boundaries men that most women instinctively avoid. They have either had failed marriages very young, or reached the age of 40 or 50 without having a serious relationship at all. DH claims that they often live with their parents long into adulthood (there are wife-purchasers at his work, and apparently they are not popular there either).

At least one I'm thinking of isn't really abusive, I don't think, although he is very odd and probably a bit difficult to live with. He seems to treat his Thai wife reasonably well, although she is very reticent in company and has few women friends. Another is very creepy, and his wife calls him "daddy" in front of other people.

What offends me about the whole wife-buying thing is the entitlement mentality behind it: "I may be sorry and smelly and boring, but I am entitled to have young gorgeous women feign interest in me and have sex with me".

Are you serious? Mediterrean women not feisty?

Unless your friends are over 60yo or went to a very remote village. If you are comparing our generation or the younger ones no way that you will find submissive wife in Madrid, Rome, Milan, Nicosia, Limmasos, Athens etc.

For what it's worth, I was thinking about the economic aspect and I'm less and less convinced this is always or inevitably to do with women who're in dire economic need. DH pointed out that Russian women who advertise themselves or are advertised as mail order brides (and who do use all the rhetoric about how demure/husband-pleasing etc. they would be), tend to know at least some English, and many are fluent in English with high levels of education. They're not from very poor families.

I find it really creepy that there are obviously men out there who want a highly-educated wife ... but are using that (which she could use to earn her own money) as a kind of trophy.

My DH told me to frequently look away as I kept giving men filthy looks.....

The 'cool' set at college are all constantly holidaying in Thailand, numerous photos with loads of different Thai women. Makes for uncomfortable viewing.

I think the idea that certain women are more subservient is not true, the fact is in these relationships is that the power balance is so totally skewed in the balance of the man, the women has no choice but to be subservient.

The man has essentially 'purchased' her as a domestic and sexual slave.

I used to work in a Thai restaurant, the owners had met like this and they did seem to have a very equal relationship, but that's one case out of how many..?

Slightly off topic, but this proves why normalisation/legalisation of the sex trade is a very bad thing indeed.

I did wonder if this is what a former flatmate was up to. He was always going on trips to Russia and Ukraine; lots of comments on his FB wall from random blonde haired ladies all over the CIS.

He was not a pleasant individual at all - I remember one episode where he'd sent an email about bills to a former flatmate and started it "hey sexy" and she hit the ROOF. He couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong.

Are you sure this is because of their origins, then? Italian women can be really feisty (I'm thinking of my wonderful colleague), well, as much as other women. And not all UK women are out there kicking butt, as a lot of the very sad posts in relationships suggest.

It's the same deal though, isn't it? Automatic power ina relationship.

One of my vile experiences was travelling to Thailand Christmas afternoon with a plane full of men, almost, the misogyny was tangible.

(Sorry, I get that it's hardly a newsflash to observe that economy is usually run on misogynist principles, but I think it's worth stressing.)

It's a twisted kind of economic though. If it were simply the case that people got into this kind of marriage out of pure need of money, men would be doing it too, in huge numbers. We might want to think the people who bring up their daughters to do this are utterly desperate, and sometimes they may be - but often, they're not. They just don't value women very much.

It's all economic isn't it. It's not because the women are actually more subordinate. WOmen aren't stupid. I LMAO at the foreign men who come to Japan looking for a butterfly and get the shock of their life after they marry and find that their wives demand his entire paycheck and hand out pocket money to their husbads . But Japan's a separate case, because economically it's about par with any western country.

But men who go to poor countries because the agencies have told them the women are more subordinate there? Yes, they are rapists. I hope their wives leave them as soon as they get their permanent residencies.