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Original poster

Anyone been to Relate

27 replies

northernruth · 02/09/2011 09:43

Sorry to put this in here rather than "relationships" but my reason for wanting to go is about share of the domestic labour and the constant rage I feel at DH for not stepping up and my ongoing disappointment in myself for what I have turned into.

Anyone been to relate for issues over division of labour etc/ who carries what burden when you both work etc and how did it go?

I'm just finishing a sabbatical from work and dreading the rows etc that will ineveitably ensue.

OP posts:
sunshineandbooks · 02/09/2011 11:11

Sorry you're feeling so down about your marriage.

Unequal division of labour is one of the most common reasons marriages have trouble. How well it gets dealt with through Relate depends on how unequal things are between you and your DH, why that is, and how enlightened the counsellor is (most are pretty good).

A man doesn't have to be a sexist pig to fall into the trap of expecting his wife to do more than her fair share. Society is geared up to it, especially once children come along. It's more than likely that you've both drifted into this and it became established long before you started thinking about how it made you feel. By then the patterns are well entrenched.

Where Relate may help is allowing you to articulate to your DH why his lack of help makes you feel so disrespected and unappreciated and why it's so unfair. Because it is unfair.

How that makes you feel about yourself may be beyond the remit of a Relate counsellor though. One who is not pro-feminist (I don't mean anti-feminist BTW, just not pro) may concentrate more on your own personality and choices. This is always useful and very valid, but it can sometimes place an unfair burden of responsibility on you by failing to recognise that our societal structure makes it 5x harder for a woman to prevent her own identity/needs/wants being swallowed by the other partner in a marriage. In a unfair situation the onus is on the person behaving unfairly to change, not the person being unfairly treated to force change. Though it's always good to stand up for yourself of course.

If your DH is a good man, he should want to change once he is aware of your feelings.

Lio · 02/09/2011 10:54

I went to Relate, sort of about this (feeling duped with regard to my expectations of marriage and family life). I went on my own: dh offered, but I wanted to figure out on my own what I was so angry about ? I'm not very analytical, but thought this type of 'managed' conversation would help, and it did. It was good for helping me separate out my tangle of thoughts and gave me constructive ideas for talking to dh about my feelings and expectations. If you have the money, I recommend it as a good investment.