'It's OK to be single.' I think that's probably the most important message feminism has to offer.

I agree with you completely, in principle. However the prospect of becoming single after many years of partnership and parenthood can be quite terrifying.

Not because it's frightening being alone necessarily - during the most miserable, pre-split part, alone can seem like an attractive prospect - but because of the life that awaits afterwards, which could offer little freedom due to round-the-clock childcare responsibilities, partial or total financial dependency on the exH and low self-esteem after years at home with babies and young children.

For women in this situation, however mentally liberating it might be to finish a bad relationship, in practical terms being single is complicated.

The fear of being a single mother for most is not the 'shame' but the poverty. And we, women, tend to want to meet our financial needs sooner than our emotional, which is also that of our children.

I'm not sure if 'single' is such an ominous thing though, but childless seems much more frowned upon.....poor single childless woman, she needs to find someone soon to have kids, it's so sad. (I admit to also thinking like this in the past)

Also I think choosing to opt out of a bad relationship sooner rather than later is far less damaging to children. (Yes, I know I am a turn coat) So perhaps a message that a quick break up is better when it begins to get shit rather than a long drawn out break up where people destroy eachother.

All the mumsnet threads I have seen always say 'he is treating you like shit leave him.'

Yes, actually on many many, mumsnet threads, the loud and clear message is "it's OK to be treated like shit by a man". And of course, in RL too.

That is very depressing, HereBeBollox, but a read of the threads in the Relationships section suggests you are spot on.

D'you know, the problem with the messaeg "it's not ok to be treated like shit by a man" is that too many women don't recognise being treated like shit, as being treated like shit. They have been groomed to accept it as normal, not shit.

I think that the most important message is 'It is not OK to be raped or treated like shit by a man', but yes, 'Being single is fine' is v. important too.

I have no idea to what extent the urge to pair bond is innate and to what extent it's implanted by culture; but in any case I've never had it and am very happy being single. Though as a single woman in her 30s I feel pretty unusual, almost all my friends are now in serious/married relationships.

An important message yes but not the most important message.

I've thought about this a bit more and I've realised that the assumption is that if you're single you're either not happy or must be looking for a man. I was a single parent for 5 years and tbh was very happy (in the respect I didn't want a man, wasn't looking, the day to day life of single parenthood is obv very hard) and only recently I was talking to a friend who knew me very well at the time who said 'but of course, you wanted to meet someone'. Well NO, I didn't. She seemed to think I was miserable on my own. I do wonder if that's because I didn't have a proper relationship til i was in my twenties? I don't think it's particuarly great to start going from relationship to relationship in your teens. I didn;t have that so I got self sufficient I suppose. Now I am in a relationship, he knows I am very happy with him, but that I don't need him. That does sound awful doesn'tit? But it makes me feel far more secure to know I don't have all my possibilities and securities hanging on one other person. I'd be fine if he upped and left tomorrow. I wouldn;t want to go out and find someone else. Because I'm with him because I love him, not to tick some 'in a relationship' box.

I think that lots of people get the message when older-I have quite a few friends who are happily single after years in a marriage. The message is really needed when you are young-and that is the difficult thing to get across.It isn't cool (for want of a better word)to be 16yrs without a boyfriend.

Having given 17 years of my life to long term relationships, now for the first time in my life I'm relishing being on my own.

Previous single 'spells' had me fretting and worrying about being left 'on the shelf' and that no one would ever want me again.

So glad I woke up, not least thanks to this excellent site and the feminism section in particular.

It still feels almost wonderous on a daily basis to realise that I'm perfectly ok and happy by myself and to discover what Bibi is really all about.

It's such an important message to spread to all women and not one I ever came across outside of this section. Growing up, the message was very much that to be seen as all round successful you had to be in a relationship (in my case) and I think I swallowed it wholesale for far too long.

The looks I get these days when I tell the people around me that no, I'm not looking for a man to 'complete' me any longer and am perfectly fine, thanks' are truly funny sometimes.

The next man who thinks he can park himself on my sofa, scratching his undercarriage while waiting for me to cook his dinner is in for a shock

Yes yes yes. I have the most fabulous friend whose biggest problem as she see's it, is being single. She has a brilliant job, great friends and opportunity at her feet. But her main obsession is that she'll never find a boyfriend :( It's such a waste of her time, but she just won't be made to see it. I think it's different from loneliness. Of course being lonely is terrible. But she's not lonely, sh ejust doens't feel people put worth in her status as being single. She won't accept invitations out if she's by herself as she's afraid people will think she's a loner. How do you help someone liek that? I can tell her til I'm blue in the face that it doesn't matter. But to her it does. I don't necessarily think it's a patriarchal thing either. It's that she's convinced that for her personally she's not enough by herself.

Omg it is so ok to be single, in fact I prefer being single, I was single for five years before my current boyfriend (who doesn't live with me may I just add) the only problem I found with it was operating a drill, (I'm sure I'll get the hang of them one day) I got married to a fuckwit at 18, seperated from him at 20, 3 months later moved a dickhead in, and was with him for 3 years before kicking him out, I'm now with my current boyfriend of a year, were not making any plans to move in together in the future, but tbf he is the nicest out of the 3 relationships that I've had.

The most important message.
So many people seem to be stuck in abusive relationships and when I mention they had the choice I get turned on as not understanding. It is difficult to get out once your finances are entwined and you have DCs but if you start out with the idea that it is best to be single than with the wrong man it is much easier. When they show their true colours early on (which they will be they get ignored as hope over experience)it is easy to call it a day.
Unfortunately that type of man homes in on the vulnerable who are desperate to have a relationship-they steer clear of those who will say 'I don't need you-or want you'.
However it is a difficult message for a 14yr old who wants to fit in with peers.

I think it's important not to just say it's ok but to say that in many cases it is preferable. I know i was happier as a single parent than as part of a couple.

Yes, definitely a very important message. I'm a strong believer in this.

During my teens, I was the only person in my group who didn't have a bf etc. which eventually led to me being significantly depressed with low self esteem etc. It also meant that I made some bad choices with one night stands where I was being totally used by men, just in the hope that I'd get a boyfriend out of it :(

Anyway, the problem got worse when I went to uni, as I expected a much more even spread of single people, and potential single men, but in fact everyone I met and lived with were all in serious (ish for 18/19 yr olds) relationships! It was at the end of my first year at uni when things were really bad, and then I started rediscovering 'lost' interests from late childhood - you know, things you were interested in at 10/11 (in my case reading, history, playing the piano etc) but then a lot of teenagers drop in favour of all night parties, brainlessness and drinking.

I started to build this really rich, interesting life for myself, and made the most of the friends and family I had rather than being miserable about what I didn't have, and I became such a strong, independant woman. It actually meant that 4 years later when I finished uni, I met my now DH, but knew how to spot a man who would respect me and I knew myself well enough to be my own person in a relationship - I don't think DH and I would have the relationship we do (if at all) if I hadn't been so comfortable on my own. It also means, that although if anything happened to DH it would be the worst thing in the world, I know deep down, that eventually I would probably be ok - it's an absolutely horrible thought but almost a bit strengthening to know.

Sorry, this has turned in to a bit of a long story - I've never written that down before like that, but it was the absolute turning point of my life!

i agree i think - but what would pop songs be about if everyone believed that???

I love being single, but I do find that people seem almost threatened by the fact that I don't meed a man (women as much as men).

It think that's probably one of the most important messages I give to my kids both male and female. My mother always says if you can't be happy with yourself then you have no chance of being so with anyone else.

I use that and 'It's okay to be single' a lot with my children. Also, 'It's better to walk alone than badly accompanied.'

Also to trust themselves before anyone else.