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Original poster

Is this a compromise too far? I'd like a feminist viewpoint on this.

163 replies

UndercoverFeminist · 22/08/2011 16:35

OK, I've set up a new account for this, so if you work out who I am, please don't give my regular name.

dh & I have been having major troubles - not many big arguments, but we are now pretty much at an impasse. we are still good friends & get a lot of emotional support from each other, but there is no 'wow' factor, or wish for one, or anything on either side.

we would also like more freedom/flexibility than a traditional marriage allows for.

however, if we split up & live separately, as well as all the emotional fall out (and bot our families will see this as a worse-than-death scenario, and never get over it), there are a huge number of practical difficulties.

basically, we would go from being financially comfortable, happily co-parenting, able to help out etc etc, to having barely enough money to support two houses, no family support & single parents, no companionship etc.

the house we live in is big enough that we have separate rooms, and dh works from home in an office, we kind of live amicable, but fairly separate lives, with dd happy.

HOWEVER - dh just assumes I will do most/all 'wifework'. It has been one of our big issues & one I don't see being resolved. IF we split up, he would have to pay spousal and child support. So if we acknowledge that we are 'over' but continue to co-exist in the same house, I would benefit from his higher salary, and having a back-up parent on hand, but be stuck with being a 'housewife', plus having work.

but then I would be in that position anyway if we split up, and with significantly less money & support.

we live thousands of miles from family, so we could be fairly open about our situation here, without the trauma of telling parents that we're getting divorced.

I have to log off for a while, but would love to know how you lot think this could work out. am i being a complete idiot to think about a 'house share' rather than separating completely?

OP posts:
Original poster
UndercoverFeminist · 22/08/2011 17:50

mamas - this is not as sole destroying as the last few years have been, when he kept 'pretending' to be on board as a husband/father, but didn't really want to be, but wouldn't be honest with me so I was in a horrible situation.

part of this is me trying to get some control, rather than just at his whim. but i can't see how to be completely separate now without some major losses - emotional, financial etc.

and when we're not trying to act at being husband & wife, we get on ok

OP posts:
Original poster
UndercoverFeminist · 22/08/2011 17:48

my 2 part time jobs can be anything from having a day free, to a week where i work 100 hours! one is predictable, the other not so, although one is mostly summer time, the other almost nothing in the summer, so they pretty much work alongside each other.

wife work - housework, emotional support, caring for child, main contact with extended family/friends (yes, i do all the birthday cards etc), garden, being the one to get to know other parents so that dd has friends. most of the diy.

the cleaner comes once a fortnight, and it is h, not me, who has done less housework as a result. she only started coming once i got a 2nd job which i knew would be 35 hrs per week for several months. that ended, but i got another job, so have kept her on.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndercoverFeminist · 22/08/2011 17:43

mamas - i would think that if we were casually dating, we'd keep it away from the house. if one of us met anyone more serious, we'd then move to the separate houses thing asap.

another BIG concern of mine is that dd is adhd, possibly asd, has no family around & hates any change in routine. she's about to start a new school, so we need to get through the first few months of that.

when we moved here, she cried every day for a year. even with regular contact with both of us, she'll struggle with this, and I'd like her to be really settled in the new school (where she'll be for 5 years) before we moved house.

OP posts:
madeupme · 22/08/2011 17:41

Im sorry am a little confused if you have a cleaner what kind of thing to you mean by "wifework" and how much time do your 2 part time jobs normally take up?

BertieBotts · 22/08/2011 17:40

I suppose as a stepping stone, that doesn't sound so bad. It would be weird and you'd still have to give it a lot of thought, but for a limited period sounds a lot better than being in this kind of situation indefinitely (or for the next 10 years)

Original poster
UndercoverFeminist · 22/08/2011 17:39

ok, and I am sort of seeing this as him 'paying' me to be his housekeeper.
if we split up, he'd have to get a cleaner, or do the work, or live in a mess, so i figure he benefits from it.

I'm just wondering if I can keep living for this until we can get a better solution.

also wanting to hear what other people think of this before i suggest it to him - i'd actually want to sit down & discuss the 'input' of each of us & then separate things a bit more, ie i KNOW I'm free to go out on Fri night, cos he's 'in charge' & he's the same for Saturday. Also, if I do a certain % of childcare/house keeping etc, then he pays a % into my own bank account to reflect that, as he would have to do for child/spousal support.

or is this just a ridiculous suggestion that will just make the resentments we each have worse?

if it sounds ludicrous & un-workable, tell me. I'll put up with poverty rather than misery.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 22/08/2011 17:38

Your plan sounds pretty grim to be honest. It would be soul destroying.
What happens when either of you meets someone else, are you supposed to wash her dirty undies and sheets then.
What about privacy?
I think you have to really divide it up and stick to it and put it into writing or something.
Are you sure this is going to be the only solution really?

edd1337 · 22/08/2011 17:28

Oh sorry, didn't read that bit. My apologies

Original poster
UndercoverFeminist · 22/08/2011 17:28

ok, we have a cleaner & i have 2 part time jobs, which both fluctuate with the seasons, so there are times when i am 'free' (taking care of dd & running the house) all day.

one main problem is that he is 'married to his work' more than anything else.

so if we split up, there would be times when he was late collecting dd, phones to change/cancel plans, would leave her in front of the tv instead of 'caring' for her (she's almost 8 btw). this would actually be more of a pita than now when we're in the same house.

our finances are split between the uk & here. if we try to split into 2 houses, it causes problems - i've looked at the figures a million times, played out different scenarios, and spoken to a solicitor to get best & worst case situations etc.

if we split up, we would both be struggling financially. if we stay in the same house but 'separate' we would both be comfortable financially.

as we live so far from home, having the money to visit family is a pretty big deal.

also, we can & do provide friendly support for each other - both for emotional & practical support.

I'm sort of seeing putting up with the housework thing as my 'payment' into the family structure, while he pays in a much higher salary (all money atm is shared, so i have full benefit of his higher salary).

in other words, i'd be a live-in housekeeper/nanny, who used to be his wife.

which is an odd situation, and I would only see this continuing for a couple of years, but am wondering if I can do this, but the alternative is pretty grim.

we moved for his job, and i am having to re-start my career (for the 2nd time! so i feel justified in enjoying the fruits of his labours), but that is underways and it is probable that within the next couple of years I will be financially self-reliant.

i'm seeing this as a stepping-stone to full independence, whereas splitting now & having to build again from the ground-up would actually tie me in to relying on child & spousal support for longer.

OP posts:
edd1337 · 22/08/2011 17:26

Why benefit from his salary? Get your lasy arse out the house and earn a wage

BertieBotts · 22/08/2011 17:23

Well hang on, if you were actually housemates he wouldn't expect you to do his share of the housework, would he? And if you were living apart he'd have to do his own. Could you not humour him that it would be fair enough if you were still together (which it wouldn't be of course, but might flatter him enough to listen) but since you're not, you need to work out a proper plan and either be responsible for a certain number of rooms and/or jobs each (and you both get an equal opportunity to pick, so he doesn't get to pick all the things he doesn't mind and you get left with the horrible jobs) or work out some sort of rota like in a shared house.

I think if he's there as well you're going to have to sort out some specific times that he is in charge of your DD while you relax, otherwise you're never going to get a break with dealing with her, like you would if you were separated and he lived elsewhere.

madeupme · 22/08/2011 17:15

I was about to suggest a cleaner but mammas got there first.

Dont fall onto the trap of thinking that if you dont put up with unreasonable behaviour a break up is your fault. It is his unreasonable behaviour in the first place.

I do believe something like this can work. But only if BOTH sides are willing to put in the effort to maintain it and make it work. It is still a relationship after all.

mamas12 · 22/08/2011 16:41

That is no compromise.
The only fair way would be to pay for a housekeeper/cleaner/nanny etc.
Is there any way you could set up a whole seperate flat so to speak with own washing machine and cooking facilities etc.

Do not give in he is taking the piss.