Is this a compromise too far? I'd like a feminist viewpoint on this.

I have looked into rental - we could afford for one of us to move into a small flat & pay rent- just. But I'm pretty certain he would refuse to go. I take care of dd most the time, and get her to school & back every day, so I can't see how I could go - take dd with me & share a bedroom?

It is all a horrible mess.

Good point about dd - but we already have separate bedrooms, which she knows, obviously. It's other people we're lying to, by just not saying anything. I haven't asked dd to lie or conceal how we live. If we agree that this is not just a temporary situation while we 'sort things out' then it feels more honest than it is now.

Lenin, he would pay the amount needed by the law, but I can't expect anything more than that. If we divorce, then set up two homes, the amount it would cost to move money around, pay estate agents, divorce lawyers etc, means we wouldn't have enough left to set up two homes. so one of us would be living in a vv small space, and i would like dd to have a bedroom in each of our houses.

like I say, I could just drift along as we are, not try to get any kind of decision, but it feels dishonest, and I don't like the current limbo.

If we decided this, became a bit more public, then consciously built up more savings, looked for the right housing etc, I'd feel we were making progress, but without a sudden, dramatic change that costs us ridiculous amounts.

As soon as I get more work, or one of us finds it impossible, or anything else changes, we'd move on.

ok, thinking about this some more - I think I would like to have a decision made.

This has been dragging on for years, with him gradually withdrawing until he had a big yelling match, and moved into the spare room.

He's already dragged this on so long that it's now almost impossible for me to re-marry & have more kids, something I would love to have done. I don't want any more of my life wasted on being in limbo - I don't really have a husband, but nor do I have independence.

So I'd like a decision to be made.

Of course, it could all back fire, and he insist on going straight for divorce & I shall just have to walk the streets learn to live extremely frugally.

thanks, sunshine

emotionally i think I've moved from feeling married to being in limbo.

he's a total procrastinator & avoider of conflict, so if i don't do something this will just drift on.

i do feel used by him - he's happy for me to live here & do all the work, but doesn't want to be married to me. pretty crap, really, BUT the thought of my life if we split up is even worse. if i can get a job with longer hours, then suddenly i am able to pay all the bills if i 'downsize' into a smaller place, and I would be very happy with that - i like the idea of being completely independent.

i do feel it's wrong to break up a marriage because of lack of 'wow' but he's the one who's had the hissy fits about how he's unhappy & he wants his freedom.

part of me just thinks he dragged me thousands of miles, I've had to completely re-design my life, and now he isn't sure if he's happy enough?

I'm not ready yet to go through all the upheaval of moving, but do think i could deal with telling people that we're friends who co-parent. If they find that too weird, that's their problem. dd knows we have separate rooms & we've discussed it a little.

in the meantime, i am working to get myself a better income.

We currently have one joint everything - current account, savings, house.
I will be worse off by separating out the money, but will at least be heading towards independence, and still vastly better off than setting up house for me & dd together.

yes, lenin, i could just carry on, and have been gradually detaching, am now at the point where i can deal with it being 'over', but dread having to tell the parents, and can't see an easy way out of joint finances which doesn't mean we'd lose about 20% of our capital, which would leave me with too little to set up a new house, so then I have to rely on child support etc etc.

no idea about plans to move back etc. staying here means regular contact between h & dd, better housing, better school & I have a job here. my family back home would be little practical support, and dd would almost never get to see h. i'd also be barely able to rent a one bed flat back home IF I could get a job there, so the best solution seems to be staying here. I have just about started to feel 'settled' here & now trying to sort this all out.

luckily, there is no rush, so I can give this some serious consideration. hence, asking for the female/feminist pov. it's actually really important to me that i get some respect & independence. in rl my mother would be all 'stand by your man' and tell me not to nag too much, he works hard, poor dear.

Lenin - I have twice left my job & followed his career. When we moved here it was illegal for me to work at all, and because it's a different country I am having to start again from the bottom rung, with a part-time job, which will hopefully grow into a full time one. I also have a fledgling small business selling stuff at market over the summer.

this week, while I was at market, he fed dd McDonalds & pasta. The pasta meal happened at 2pm, just as I got back, when it became apparent that I would be late cos my car broke down.

when I go away with dd for a few weeks, he cooks himself meals. the number of meals he's cooked for the family so far this year has been ... 1

he does work long hours, but he has done that in every job he ever had, and if asked about a weekend with family (when we were in the uk), getting food in etc etc, his first response is always 'i'm busy/stressed' etc. he does genuinely work & get involved/stressed by it, but he also hides behind it & uses it as an excuse to avoid doing things, or justify him spending free time how he wants to.

anyway, under my suggested plan, not much on the practical side would change, except that it would clarify things for us more, I would feel able to be open with people about our marriage (we are still pretending to be a happy couple, we have had separate rooms for a year), and we could work towards independent finances, with him contributing towards child maintenance.

and yes, ali , I am wanting to keep my nice life, but if he was happy being married & loved me then I would have pretty much the perfect life for me. If we split up, I face a very uncertain financial future, with no rights to any benefits in any country, no family support, no steady income, a very unhappy & disturbed child. It's not just a bit of downsizing, which I'd do easily, but a really major shift in circumstances, which I can perhaps avoid altogether by being patient for a couple of years.

jenny - I have no problem with doing my share of housework, but it's not just the actual housework that has been a problem, more that for years it's felt as if he isn't really 'on board', but here under sufferance. The housework is the most tangible part of that, but it extends to things like whether he listens to ideas/plans, supports my work etc.

anyway, i don't want to discuss the long downward spiral of my marriage - it's hugely depressing, BUT, with the situation I find myself in, I am really struggling to come up with a solution.

We could just get a divorce - it would be like ripping a band-aid off, and I'd end up being quite reliant on him paying child support etc, which makes me feel vulnerable. I'm pretty certain he'd pay, BUT after I spoke to a solicitor & got ball-park figure, his first response was 'what would I live on'? rather than seeing that he would have more cash per month for himself than I'd have for me AND dd together.

So, I want to get myself as independent as possible, and keeping the living costs down as low as poss for a couple of years while I re-establish my career, seems about the best way to do it.

but I just KNOW that I will end up with all the housework etc etc, and it will piss me off, but then I will be enjoying the benefits of his higher salary, so effectively getting paid to be his housekeeper & childminder.

there will be NO sex involved, otherwise I'd just feel like a whore, and I am uncertain about this anyway. But then I dread other possible outcomes.

I could just shut up & let things drift - he is 'too busy' at work to go to any therapy session for the next 2 months & refuses to discuss things at home unless I force the issue. he's also 'too busy' to go to things for dd's new school next week.

see what I mean about how he's not really 'on board'?

(fwiw, I used to work similar hours to him before we moved, but still did majority of housework, or was the one who organised it, gardening, childcare arrangements etc etc. i have no aversion to equal work load, just being taken for granted that pisses me right off)

well, the back up plan would be a divorce. Because we moved out of the UK a few years ago, the situation is difficult & neither of us have close long-term friends to talk to about these things.

i'd love to have a list of jobs, and do equal division, or get paid half. i know that won't fly. believe me, we've been round & round on this. ie, at a therapy session, we talked about how much i hate having to cook the eve meal, as i always do it - if i'm ill or away, he won't eat. well more fool him, but what about dd? i work sat am atm, get up at 6 & get home around 1. has he fed dd? emptied the dishwasher? nope.

his excuse - he is tired, will get round to it, I'm controlling him by asking him to do it.

As someone who's supposed to be my 'other half', to love & support me, I find this insulting. I was at work, trying to build up a new business. it feels like he's undermining me by leaving it so I have to start on lunch as soon as i get home.

If he's 'just' a house mate who's a bit of an arse, but at least I feel like the money is 'paying' me to do the extra work, I don't get so upset.

Or we could get divorced, he'd have dd Fri night & Sat til eve, and I could work then have some free time

I have spoken to a solicitor, mamas, and have not even mentioned this idea of mine to him. I would insist on some legal agreements, and discussing it in therapy, before doing this btw. i want some insight into this before i say a thing. and it's the feminist section on mn that's making me think this marriage is really over, not just in trouble.

He is the one who is unhappy, feels trapped, I expect too much, he should be free to enjoy his free time etc., and is the one who initiated a year of therapy & discussion, separate rooms & some v nasty arguments.

A while ago the 'cognitive dissonance' thread stopped me from being desperate to hold onto my marriage, and made me realise how unreasonable it was that I did everything. now I don't think i could go back to really being 'married' unless there was a true commitment from him - it's not just about doing housework, it's about being 'on board' and part of this, not just lodging (figuratively & practically) with dd & I.