Is this a compromise too far? I'd like a feminist viewpoint on this.

exactly, chipping, hence me using mn to get ideas & think it through. as you can imagine, it's hard to be logical. just going over this now is making me shaky & teary.

I DO have a good group of friends, (who don't know), a gp, therapist & solicitor who all make me feel very supported & protected. but ultimately I have to work this out for myself.

if there is no way of saving the marriage, I want to be independent for myself, completely.

I have tried the getting him to be in charge for x times, it works for a short time, just like him cooking one meal a week worked for 2 weeks. it will be a case of 'shut up and put up' until I can get myself together. hence, why I know I'm being the dutiful little housewife until I can sort things out properly.

btw, as regards money, I spent 2 hours discussing it with the solicitor, she couldn't see a way to make it work either, so it's not me hanging on to a nice lifestyle & being greedy, I'm just staring the facts in the face.

the more I think about this, the more I realise that I'm trying to get up the courage to confront him, and make us move on from this stalemate.

It almost doesn't matter how we resolve things - we DO need to resolve them. He's v much a 'head in the sand' type person who would let this drift for a very long time. I'm too impatient for that.

ok, wouldn't get benefits in the UK as haven't been paying NI, and I would be leaving a job voluntarily to move back there. I'm sure I would after a lot of paperwork, but it could take a while & I would much rather be independent.

I'm in my 40s, and dd was ivf, we did try for a 2nd child but didn't work out, and hugely unlikely now. I also wouldn't want to rush into a relationship just cos I get broody.

his mum is of the 'only good news' type thing, she can cry for hours cos some-one didn't give her enough attention, and she was recently widowed, so now would be kicking her while she's down. not that i intend to live my life for other people, but nor can i knowingly add to her pain.

my parents are the kind who still try to pretend that my cousin didn't have a baby, then get married, my mum gives a kind of nervous laugh, and says 'well, she's got it right now' when it's mentioned. another cousin lives with her boyfriend, but my parents pretend that it isn't so (she's late 20s btw, been together for years). to them, divorce is worse than death. they would immediately demote me from 'married woman' status to 'troublesome teen' because I don't have a man attached to keep control of me.

so I'm thinking that I would never want to move back too close to them, however much they love me.

h can be very hands on, does do some stuff around the house, but thinks that because I'm not at work ALL the time, I should be doing everything. his job is the biggest thing in his life, and always has been. his parents made it v clear to him that he had to be successful or they'd disown him. he is both fearful & resentful about these things, but can't stop himself from working, and expects me to support him emotionally (yes, he has been for therapy).

and, yes, he is 'having it all' if we stay together as an unequal house share. but then I am getting some benefit & buying time to get myself set up. it could be as soon as this winter that I get more work, and def. some more coming my way next summer, so this is temp. not a permanent solution. in the meantime, we could start sorting out money. most of our money is in the UK, if we just pull it out & bring it over, then we'll lose, not just a little, but so much that we end up with not enough to go round. if we do it gradually, don't pay penalty clauses, get a good exchange rate, then we can have enough that we can both be independent.

there have been problems with this marriage for the past decade, waiting one or two years doesn't seem so hard compared with the last few years.

BUT I still feel like I'm selling myself - my housework for his higher salary.

Incidentally, you'd think we got on fine if you knew us - we're happy & laid back, even when it's just two of us, but I can't get over the things he's said when he has an outburst, and I know he doesn't love me, but he doesn't want to move on.

we have been going for counselling, last time we got to a 'crunch point' and suddenly - he's too busy at work to be able to go right now.

the thing that really bothers me atm, is the idea that in order to explain/justify this idea, I end up sounding like people who support the sex industry, ie
if you're being exploited, but know that that's the deal, then you're not really being exploited, you're a willing participant.
and, well I'm the one making the money out of this, so I'm not really being exploited.

if we did go for divorce, it would mean selling off assets & losing a lot of money, which I could live with BUT h would be very upset about & it could v quickly turn v acrimonious. there are times when he's been verbally abusive (very very few times, but enough that I'm wary), so partly I'm trying to do that 'be a non-person' and just slip gradually away, rather than cause any big sudden rift.

legally I am entitled to 50% of joint savings, then child support & spousal support is worked out according to needs, ability & how much we each care for dd.

Once we've split the savings, one of us could get a small house outright, BUT the income coming in each month, between the two of us, is not enough to pay for the cost of running two houses - tax, gas, electric etc. However we might juggle things, whether fairly or not, it isn't possible to cover 2 lots of bills without selling the bigger house we're in atm.

So, as that is the case, I'd rather just get my own place, be responsible for me, then any child support etc that I get would be a bonus - i do NOT want to be relying on that. What if he loses his job, gets sick etc etc. I know those things can happen anyway, but if you're a family under one roof you can work together, if you're a single parent relying on money, there's nothing you can do except wave the money goodbye.

There's a very good chance that my main job will become ft within the next two years, as which point I can be completely self sufficient. Even if it doesn't it gives me time to save up and use that money to get me set up independently.

and yes, i take on board that this is a bit of a 'wishy washy' solution - but still more defined than the current situation, where we aren't even going for counselling or discussing it, and any hint of discussion leaves him running for the study, too busy to talk.

a year ago, when he had a huge outburst & wanted to end things, I said I suspected he'd just bury his head in the sand & gradually make it so that I end up kicking him out cos he's so bad at making decisions. and here we are now. if i do just flip, and show him the door, then he gets to walk away, confident that he is the victimized good guy, and I get left with a house I can't afford & relying on him being enough of a 'gentleman' to support dd & I.

my current solution is one where i feel like i'm making myself into his maid, but in the long run, i get what i want - independence & security. with the short-term gain of acknowledging what our marital status really is.

he has a big job deadline at the end of Sep. After that I'm going to insist on more counselling (or he leaves, pronto) and start trying to move this situation forward. We are 'stuck' atm, and he is getting all the benefits of having a wife, without having to emotionally commit.

the more i write here, i more i realise that he has to go, doesn't he? sooner or later, i see no way out of this.

yes, well, Lenin, you may well have a point there.
he doesn't think it's fair that 'the woman' always gets to keep the house. or that he should have to work to pay a mortgage for me while i stay here.
sigh.

so, basically, i'm willing to prostitute myself do his housework, for a couple more years, til I am back on my feet & able to take care of myself.