Is this a compromise too far? I'd like a feminist viewpoint on this.

Yes, I've seen reject about this eve. Still would like to hear a considered answer as it would explain my H to me a bit

Having an 'interesting' weekend away of family fun. May need to play bullshit bingo when I'm back home and have a chance of privacy. There have been a few classic cmoments so far

Genuine Q reject, how am I a parasite?
He earns more, I do more, who is contributing the most? I do earn btw, just ATM not enough to fully support me AND dd by myself. He also doesn't earn enough to support him & dd alone, hence why it's so hard to work out.

If I'm not around he does fine, bothtaking care of himself and/or dd. As soon as I'm there, even if working longer hours than him, he just switchesoff or does the min. Of course, he then makes little comments about how he keeps the house cleaner than I do

He does do quite a bit with dd. If I stay here he will take dd at least once a week and there have never been any problems with him taking care of. Her while I go out.

In the Uk would get no support or help at all and have no job or hope of a house. Wehave been here long enough that this is home as much as anywhere and I love my job here. I did at first think that I would return to Uk but realize that I'd rather stay here for now. I want to stay for me, not him.

Keep losing my message
Agree wig sag but want to move on

ok, we are all from the UK, but he would have no intention of returning there, so I'd need him to grant permission for me to move back there with dd. he has said he would do that. I like where we live atm, and have good friends who i think would come through for me, and economically staying would make most sense, so that would be my plan for the next few years.

wish he looked like robert de niro!

dittany - i don't want to do stupid passive aggressive games like starting rumours & hoping that they circle back, but I am so fed up of the subterfuge, which prob shows how I'm fed up with the whole thing. I'm actually thinking about who I trust most & feel most comfortable telling, so easing my way into it. I think part of the problem is that once I've told people it becomes more real & there's no going back, so it feels like a very definitive step.

I've been thinking about the issue of 'abuse'. Does he take advantage, take the typical dominant male attitude & expect me to fall into line? Yes. does he rant & rave, yell, threaten etc, - once or twice he has 'lost it' and shouted vv badly, but that's it.

So, I think it's kind of passive abuse by default rather than a deliberate approach on his part.

Right, I am off to look at BeX's coat, prob under my 'real' identity.

dittany - this is from the solicitor I spoke to, if a parent is resident in the country, the other one can't remove the child without permission.

anyway, i think, for now, i want to stay here - less disruption, and we've moved around in the uk, so there's no one place that i call 'home' that much, apart from near my parents, which is vv expensive & i don't want to live too close to them, anyway.

i have a job here & rapidly improving credit - neither of which i have in the UK.

herbex, you're exactly right abut how I feel/think about things atm. 'if only' we could fix things - but I don't think we can. this is what i want to address in therapy, I'm not sure I could deal with this face to face by ourselves.

i mentioned a mortgage, but would have the same trouble with rent. they would both require a 'hard' credit score (utilities, phone etc require a 'soft' one) which doesn't allow for previous rating in the UK to be used. this is a situation which is getting better month by month, and I am already becoming slightly trustworthy to lenders, but at a higher rate etc. a year ago i couldn't even have a bank account or credit card, gas bill or anything in my name, but by about Feb I expect to be able to have all these things as well.

seriously, being the 'trailing spouse' completely puts you at the mercy of the working partner. when i though we were both working together (he put in money, i provided childcare etc) then I was ok with that. now it seems he resents me for leeching off him!

We're going away for the weekend, so I won't be around until monday, although may be able to pop on here, not sure if I'm taking the laptop or not.

Please keep thoughts coming, it is really helping.

Still struggling with whether he's just lazy & using me, or outright abusive, and I think it depends how you interpret those words.

I feel used & under appreciated, I am wary & weary rather than fearful.