Some men really hate women being single don't they?

I outlined a situation earlier in the thread.

When I first met my best friend, it was in the student bar at uni. He offered to buy me a drink. All I had to say was "no, thank you"; he replied with "are you sure?" and left it at that. I didn't even have to mention a boyfriend. Likewise when he asked me out.

My darling ex, on the other hand, has been told to fuck off countless times, been told I've got a boyfriend and still pestered me. Some people don't like getting their own way, yet they don't realise the effect it has on the individual who's decision they are trying to change.

Because we are talking about men who have been told a whole loads of reasons why not, but will only leave when told of a bf.

Or in other terms, when it is the only reason they will accept.

So
I'm not interested - doesn't work
You aren't my type - doesn't work
I'm happy being single - doesn't work
Not looking - doesn't work
Have a boyfriend - solution!

Why is the last one the only one with any effect?

"I would prefer a man left me alone because I wanted him to, not because my boyfriend sitting at home would like him to."

He's not leaving because another man somewhere wants him to, he's giving up because you have a partner.

Look, he may be a creep, but you are rejecting him. Give him a dignified exit - I have a bf' rather than a personal rejection 'I am not interested' and it will probably be better for everyone.

(An abusive or threatening creep doesn't deserve a dignified exit of course, involve security or management)

I don't get why telling a bloke that you have a boyfriend and him going away because of it automatically means that he thinks you are the possession of another man.

He may think that if he is a chauvinistic pig, alternatively, he may think, 'She has a bloke, so she won't want me'. Doesn't mean to say that he thinks she is property.

If a man I fancy and am trying to chat up tells me he has a girlfriend- in which, hint taken loud and clear, I make my excuses and leave- I don't think he is 'owned' by her, why should a man think the same?

"Why? It just says you are unavailable because you have a partner."

Why doesn't saying "no" suggest that you are unavailable. Why does a woman having a partner make a difference?

"Severin has an agenda Just Saying"

FFS. Severin has opinions.

severin, you should know that correcting someone's use of a word, does not win you the argument

"I would prefer a man left me alone because I wanted him to, not because my boyfriend sitting at home would like him to."

Absolutely

I don't like the comments that seem to suggest that those of us who get pestered are bringing it on ourselves.

For the record, I am polite (till pushed too far), of course I refuse drinks, and I am firm.

You know what? Doesn't work with the kind of blokes this whole thread is about!

It should be easier to get a man to leave you alone without saying that you are 'owned' by another man. You say yourself, men will leave a woman alone if she says she has a boyfriend. So they won't respect a woman's wishes that he leave her be, but he'll respect that another man got there first

I would prefer a man left me alone because I wanted him to, not because my boyfriend sitting at home would like him to.

I do wonder if the reason that women (?) contributing to this thread refuse to see what we are describing as a problem is because they feel powerless to change it? Saying 'it's just part of life, it is not important' might actually be a protection mechanism. If I don't think I can change something, then I will feel less upset about the impotence I feel if I persuade myself that it is not important to change it.

But what we are doing is helping to change attitudes. We may just be words on a screen here, but hopefully it will give each of us more confidence to stick up for ourselves against such harassment, and to say a forceful 'NO' rather than using appeasing behaviour. It will also give us confidence to stick up for our friends, or other women we see being hassled, or to report the men who harass us to bouncers, bar staff, cafe owners, train conductors etc, and to expect something to be done about it.

We can also discuss the issues raised here with our friends of both sexes, and make sure they are on side to do their bit to disapprove of and discourage such behaviour when they come across it.

It would also be nice, and not impossible, to see national campaigns and posters up in toilets of bars and clubs reiterating that no means no, whether it is an offer of a drink or sex.

This way we can each do our small bit to change attitudes and to feel less powerless.

"of course the message that the only way to get rid of a persistent bloke is to say you already have a bloke infers that women are men's property"

Why? Again, please answer - Why? It just says you are unavailable because you have a partner. Not that you are his property.

And I think you mean 'implies' not 'infers.'

Severin has an agenda Just Saying

swallowedafly, The implications are that ALL women may be tarred with the same brush, that is for sure, however, just because I have pointed out that some women do play the 'not interested' game (which, in my experience, they do) just to see how interested a man is in them (bear in mind, the woman herself does like the guy and is just seeing how far he will persist) AND that society- with stupid books like 'The Rules'- endorses this to some extent, does not make me the bad guy (an expression, by the way, I am not male)

Don't shoot the messenger because you do not like the message.

I am interested in solutions - ie not suggesting it's just part of life we all have to accept. I mentioned that telling security or management someone is bothering you will usually work. I think, however unfair that its their responsibility, women can manage these situations with the right words. Politeness, firmness, but if you say 'fuck off please' 'or could you go away' he's probably not going to say 'ok, fair enough, sorry.' You'll get that 'Hey, I was only being friendly, I didn't fancy you anyway' shit. And many women would say the same if they were talking to some cute guys and they said 'can you leave us alone please.'

Be practical. Refuse any drinks, say we're discussing something important, say 'sorry, you seem nice enough but I've got a boyfriend.' And 99% of them will leave, maybe after a couple of minutes, maybe not. If they get really persistent, be more firm and say 'sorry mate, you're wasting your time, go find some single girls...' This will probably register as a good idea to him. And if they still won't go, say you just have to go to the toilet and report him to the management or security.

Oh and I do know men who get women - or even gay guys - they are not interested coming onto them, usually very drunk, and not taking no for an answer. They use the same solutions.

of course the message that the only way to get rid of a persistent bloke is to say you already have a bloke infers that women are men's property

who could fail to see such a logical connection ?

Maybe I've been lucky. Maybe I've never come across as a bitch in my rejections (I'm not saying you do). Maybe the little apology I add goes a long way.

"Why do you need to mention your boyfriend before these 'polite' men go away? Would they go away if you didn't? This is the issue we have attempted to discuss here."

I know. But that solution mostly works. You can all get highly offended that this approach works best, and its not fair and women should be able to go out and never be approached by drunken chancers, but I have seen no solutions. Saying I've got a bf generally does.

"I'm glad I don't live in your world if you think men insulting you as they leave is 'part of life'.

Is it not part of life? What world do you live in where it is not part of life, maybe we could all move there? I said it's a fucking annoying part of life, but you misreprented my post with your selective quotes. Lots of irritating things are part of life - with no solution. This one has a solution, and the OP just moaned how unfair it was that that solution implied you were 'another man's property' which is nonsense.

SAF, looks like we're going to have to reclaim the day as well soon, never mind the night.

But severin has said she accepts them as part of life...