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Original poster

being a sah is not considered a legitimate pursuit anymore...

189 replies

AliGrylls · 02/07/2011 10:29

I am fed up of people thinking that being a SAHP is the easy option - I am a firm believer it is not an easy option. Most SAHM I know have what I would describe as quite a rough time of it. Hubbie leaving the house at 6/7 am; not getting home until 7/8 and woman is expected to do all the jobs she was expected to do 40/50 years ago, ie, washing, ironing etc - except for the fact that DH wants the children to be kept up so he can play with them and say what a good father he is.

The whole notion that being a working parent is so much harder is not true because while you are out working there is someone else looking after your children for you. You are not trying to do them both simultaneously. What is hard is trying to fit a job around your children, which is what most women want so they can enjoy their lives and their children (I think!)

A woman who chooses to SAH after children start school is not lazy, she is merely trying to redress the fact that she has spent the first few years of her children's life knee deep in nappies and sleep deprived having worked the 17 hour day that was expected of her. When her children start school she will probably be back to working 8-10 hour days that most people work.

Lastly, there is actually no shame in being a SAHP and it can be fulfilling and stimulating. It is just a question of whether one wants to treat is a proper job or a millstone around the neck. Is a job really that much more intellectually stimulating? Surely, after a few years any job loses its ability to stimulate due to the fact it becomes a process? Unless of course you are in academia or a creative job. Except for financial reasons the main reason to go back to work is to have a break from the children / have a career. Neither of which are bad reasons just please admit that this is the reason and not use the fact that you obviously believe you have the intellectual high ground over someone who chooses to SAH.

I strongly believe the above is a feminist issue and I think that being a SAH deserves the same level of respect that being a working parent gets, but it doesn't. Feminists please back up the fact that a woman has a right to choose and she should not be guilted into the modern day notion that working is all and being a full-time mother is not a legitimate pursuit.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliGrylls · 02/07/2011 12:50

scottishmummy - you seem to think I am making a statement about working parents which I am not.

My only point is that I constantly find myself justifying my choice to people and it always ends up with me saying how lucky I am. Whilst I am lucky I would say I work bloody hard with my children (one is just 2 and the other 71/2 months). I feel I am on duty 24 hours a day and that except for when DH takes them for an hour in the morning and on a saturday morning.

In relation to school age children I am making my assumptions based on the fact that she is "on call" for 6 hours less because the children are at school. I don't know about school age children as much but I do feel that if a woman stays at home in the years pre-school she should be able to sit back a little and enjoy the fruits of her labour and not feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
SarahLundsredJumper · 02/07/2011 12:47

I agree with what you say sm -make your choice and stand by it -as I said up thread I dont as an adult feel the need to explain my choices to anyone.
What I dont understand is why you have to be so derogatory to othersConfused

DontCallMePeanut · 02/07/2011 12:47

scottishmummy, I wasn't implying that all mum's that return to work need to do so. It was just the case where DSis was concerned. Financially, she and her exDH felt they couldn't afford for her to stay at home.

scottishmummy · 02/07/2011 12:44

i didnt need to go back to work
i actively chose it.planned it
in ye way some mums chose and plan to sahm

DontCallMePeanut · 02/07/2011 12:40

Maxine, that may have been the case in your experience, but it's not always the case. My DSis received a lot of sympathy for needing to go back to work. My DSIL has received a lot of comments, particularly from DMother about how she's not putting her DS first by returning to work

scottishmummy · 02/07/2011 12:40

at my work all mums go back,so yes was a given id go back.no jip at work
comments on mat leave from precious moments mamas and now wags at school

DontCallMePeanut · 02/07/2011 12:38

Agree with BethelBeth. As some of you know, I'm a full time student, these days. The way it works out is that I spend around five months out of university each year (That's another debate but more in relation to tuition fees). I'm someone who needs mental stimulation. But I've also found being at uni with a 3 year old has had a positive impact on him. He's already developed a love of books, and has already told his keyworker that when he's a big boy, he wants to go to uni. Grin

Sorry, went off topic there... Blush

maxine5 · 02/07/2011 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 02/07/2011 12:35

dont seek external approbation for personal choices.neither sahp or working parent is even greeted with an unconditional well done.

be happy and comfortable with your own choices - if it works for you and suits your commitments

bethelbeth · 02/07/2011 12:34

I agree, I work PT for three days and have DD the rest of the week. DP, and my mum look after DD while I'm at work.

I need my job for my sanity!!! It would drive me mental to stay in the house all the time so kudos to you as long as you're doing a good job of it!

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 02/07/2011 12:33

To clarify, I am talking about SAHP of school age children.
Spending all day looking after toddlers and trying to complete chores is very hard ime.

DontCallMePeanut · 02/07/2011 12:32

I'm not a fan of the SAHP debate. Now, we're supposed to have the option, but for financial reasons, societal reasons, whatever, a lot of women don't.

What concerns me is that, whichever decision a woman makes after having children, they often feel the need to justify it. When I considered going back to work, the first question was "how will you juggle caring for DS and working?". The ex was never asked the same question. Yet, when I was a single SAHM, I felt scrutinized for being one. Surely it's time both options were seen as being truly valuable? Because, if we need to justify our choices, surely that shows society doesn't see that either option is of true value.

maxine5 · 02/07/2011 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 02/07/2011 12:31

oh dont be so lame.does kicked off mean no fawning to op and campaigning for housewife salaries

kicked off is a deleted thread and humphy facesAngryHmm
this is tame

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 02/07/2011 12:31

Agree with sm.
I'm glad you are happy with your choice, I am with mine.

I do think it's a bit annoying to compare the life of a woman who has 30 hours a week with which to do as she pleases, to another who works full time and sweeps floors/taxis kids/cooks dinners.

I liked being a SAHP, but that was due to the fact it was considerably easier and less stressful than being at work.

SarahLundsredJumper · 02/07/2011 12:29

Oh dear its kicked off -there was me thinking how nice it was to have a reasoned debate.

For the record I am a working parent but as a woman and a feminist I respect the choices other women/men make and loathe the way society/media is sticking the knife into women whatever they do.

scottishmummy · 02/07/2011 12:29

has anyone said working mums envy sahm.thats usually a reliable quip

Mollymax · 02/07/2011 12:26

People who strt posts bout SAHM v WOHM will never win.
There are always two sides to an argument.
I think it is very much each to their own, Parenting is difficult enough as it is.

scottishmummy · 02/07/2011 12:26

you need to work on your self esteem if this irks so
if youre happy with your choice,thats fab.but dont expect a round of applause for doing it

msbuggywinkle · 02/07/2011 12:25

I think that one of the most valuable things about being a SAHM for me is that I have time, I'm the only person in our family that can care for DP's Nan as everyone else needs to work. Although we Home ed, I have time for volunteer work too, if I was employed I'd want to spend all of my time outside work with the DC so wouldn't do it.

Having said that, our aim (as a family!) is for DP and I to both work part time eventually (as in when we've finished the being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding bit of parenting) as I don't want to be a housewife when the DC are grown and he wants to spend more time with them.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 02/07/2011 12:24

Wrt this
'When her children start school she will probably be back to working 8-10 hour days that most people work.'

Not sure I understand.
A working mother has exactly the same pressures and commitments at home that a SAHM has.
I loved being at home with dc full time.
But I wouldn't have suggested to my friend, who works 40+ hours a week in a v responsible and stressful job, that my life was as busy/tiring as hers. Because it blatantly was not.

KRIKRI · 02/07/2011 12:23

Maybe it's a case of grass is greener - folks perhaps feeling a bit jealous of what they THINK your life is like, so having a pop to bring you down (and make them feel better.) It's stupid really. I hope you're not letting it get to you.

SarahLundsredJumper · 02/07/2011 12:22

Agree goblinchild Love the bit about your Karma . I dont envy/criticize others who have made different choices because Im not living their lives -they are !

I have made the choices that suit me - I choose not to worry what others might be thinking /implying.

handsomeharry · 02/07/2011 12:21

I agree with scottishmummy. Have been pondering this thread for a while but sm has put into words exactly what I think.

scottishmummy · 02/07/2011 12:17

lol,you think working mums get respsect?the day care prphanage quips, the precious moments mamas soliloquies

find your own approbation stop being so bloody wet and whiny
what do you want a medal for living your own life and choices you make

you op is dripping with clichés and stereotypes about working parents.nad yet you complain how you are perceived