Help me defend DH's decision to cut down his hours to do childcare for DD

Though we still have 5 years to take our 3 months each of parental leave.

My dh is 55 next year (eek!) and is legally entitled in Belgium to reduce his working hours to 4/5th - ie a 4 day week. He won't though, as he had a late career change, has a poor pension, and would kill any further chances of promotion stone dead. For our particular family it is much better that he carries on and gets as far as he can.

I could say that I am sacrificing promoting my own career a bit to support this. But it IS a choice. I could really go for it too and outsource the necessary. I really don't want to. In fact if I could semi retire in 10 years too when dh does, it would be wonderful. I don't care that much. Work-life balance is more important to me than riches and success.

Truck - "I was told I couldn't have the same pay-rise as I wasn't as flexible as my colleagues."

So basically you were discriminated against on pay or to put it more bluntly 'your card was marked' for having children. Thats the way it felt to me too.

MoreBeta has a very good point. However, it needs more and more brave individuals being prepared to do exactly this to change the entrenched mindset.

I do think, whatever happens, the very top jobs will remain reserved for those who give it 100% of their attention, but maybe that IS fair, I don't know....

I put my career on hold to look after the children, and believe me a man who takes regular time off for sick kids etc (rather than very occasional) is considered flaky and a bit suspect.

I was told I couldn't have the same pay-rise as I wasn't as flexible as my colleagues.

But it's only money and I wouldn't have done it any differently, so good for you two.

And if people say anything, just say that's what good Dads (and parents) do, put their children first.

HerBeX - I eventually gave up work and now work with DW at home. I could go back part and full time to my old job (univeristy lecturer/research) but only at the same level. I will never reach the position I would have done if I had stayed working and in fact have little prospect of promotion beyond that.

Unfortunatley, in most jobs, there is a serial correlation effect. In other words, time served, experience level, previous job title and previous pay package tend to determine what level and pay package you go back to or get promoted to next. Looking after children means you can never catch up.

But it is much easier to do this in the public sector, it's true.

MoreBeta how old are your DC's? Are you still working part time?

Because it is much much easier for men to get back on the high powered career track than women. You are right, in the short term a couple is generally worse off with both of them downshifting for a few years, but if one or both upshift again once the kids are old enough (and men can do this easier than women because they are allowed to, they may not be that much worse off in the long term, there['s time to catch up.

Skater - I did what your DH is planning and I was shocked by people's reaction. From jokes about turning into a woman, to questions like 'whats wrong with your wife?' and downright mockery, hostility and dismissivness. The final straw was when my boss told DW she would ruin her marriage if I was at home for more than a year. This was quasi public sector by the way.

A man who gives up work to look after children is automatically subliminally labelled by co-workers (men and women) as 'not commited'. Women of course face this who give up or go part time. Childcare flexibility is seen by all employers as a bit of pain in the neck and anyone who puts their children first is seen as someone who is not really interested in their career. This is often the problem women face in mainatining or re-establishing a career after children.

I am not going to sugar coat this. I was totally unprepared for people's reaction. It is career suicide because senior manager jobs require a full time commitment. There is more to life than a career though and I am very happy. If your DH does not expect a senior managment career then it wil not matter to much but if he does then he is kissing it goodbye. I wish it were otherwise but there you are - its real life.

You will be poorer financially in the long run than if one of you stopped work all together and the other focussed on developing their career. Two part time workers with stalled careers will be worse off than one full time carer and one full time upper management level worker. You need to think about that.

It's great for all of you as a family, however it comes as no surprise at all to hear he's in the public sector. I hope he can stay there as things are generally very different outside of that sector.

Much as it pains me to say it I think that in some companies this is true. A woman going pt is seen as 'normal' but a man is seen as 'uncomitted'.

You are lucky if this is not the case in your workplace.

How about "jealous?". :)

My DH stays home 2 days pw with DD and so do I (the 5th day she goes to a CM). It's always been that way (she is 2.7 now) and other SAHM comment on how lucky we are...and we are!

+1 for the phrase 'selfish career Dads' HerBeX - nicely done!

"Yes, isn't he a brilliant husband and father? He's prepared to put his relationship with his wife and child above his career, if only more men were prepared to do that, I suspect the divorce rate would plummet And he gets more sex than all these selfish career dads".

And then look smug.

"Fortunately his employers are not stuck in the past as you seem to be."

or (less aggressive)

"We both wanted to work part-time and be at home part-time, it's fairly common in both our offices. What makes you think it would be a problem?"

DH is the one who takes time off or goes in late if the children are sick. If he does it he gets plaudits for being a good dad. I get eye rolls. And I do think the only way employers are going to start treating men and women equally is if men make these kind of tough decisions too.

DP did this - as far as I can see he still has a career......

How effing stupid.
Actually it may well act as a speed bump in his career. Just as it does for women.
To which the answer is

"He's what you call a working father'
or
"a career father"
or
"ah well, it isn't only women who can Have It All, these days - smart men are getting on the bandwagon, too"

just say we both want to work and we both want to parent. This is how we're doing it. I know lots of men who have gone part time now or work from home.

Skater - got up to 'career suicide' line 3 and thought exactly what you wrote next. But wait - you already committed career suicide by irresponsibly developing X chromosomes. You fool! Sausages got it about right.

"So you're not worried that I'm damaging my career by going part time? Are you not concerned people might mistake you for a sexist?"