Why do women still get "given away"

I am glad that I had DHs name too-as he died shortly afterwards it was lovely. I can never understand why I should want to make a unit with my brothers and his DCs rather than my own DH and DCs.

There's nothing 'insecure' about not wanting to be treated as property.

There is a huge issue of insecurity if a lovely tradition of a father having one of his few, very special moments makes you feel like property! You can't have a very good relationship if he makes you feel like that.
Why would you, if you have a normal, loving father/daughter relationship?

I got married in 1983, my brother (dad had died) walked down the aisle with me but didn't give me away. I wanted the modern version so no obeying and we were pronounced husband and wife together. I did change me name as I hated my maiden name. Changed it back to my maiden name once we divorced 4 yrs later and I have been single since.

Was peed off to that my mum had to fork out for the wedding, his parents were piss poor but wanted lots of their friends invited.

I was a feminist then and still am and should never have married him.

I have a (male) friend who 'took' his wife's name.

The uproar from his family, specially his grandfather (supposedly because he's the 'last of his line') was intense. And these are right-on Californians. But they couldn't cope with him changing part of his identity - and giving up part of himself.

but had his wife done it, do you think anyone would have really cared?

That's my 'sexism' test. "If this was applied to a man, would anyone care?" - and in this instance it's handy.

I'm always interested by the women who said "I changed my name because I wanted us all to have one family name" because this is definitely what I want, too - one family name is much simpler.

But why, in these situations, do we never read "we both wanted us all to have one family name so DH changed his name to mine."
?

Oh yeah. Patriarchy.

Patriarchy's like the matrix, sometimes. You don't even see it!

HRH I agree with you on the wedding ring as a symbol of commitment, and DH and I wear ours proudly. But I chose not to wear an engagement ring because that was traditionally a sign of ownership, and men aren't expected to wear them.

I agree with you too that having the same surname as my DC is nice.

I'm not married, but if I were to marry I think I would want to walk down the aisle with my Dad. I value his blessing because we love and respect each other and his opinion is important to me, not because he owns me. Ditto my Mum, but she's far less sentimental and wouldn't care much for aisle-walking.

to those who say this is about individual confidence and/or that things like name-changing and being given away are inconsequential : I think that, for the vast majority of women who don;t/didn't want this stuff (me included), it's not actually about them, as individuals - it's the symbolism - the reminder that for centuries women have been viewed as chattels. none of us are scared that by being given away, we, as individulas, will become chattels. we just don't want such symbolism in our weddings.

dh and I walked down the aisle together. It's not just the actual giving away bit I don't like, from a feminist pov, it's also the walking down the aisle bit, while h-to-be waits at the front. It's clear that all eyes are meant to be on the beautiful bride. it's all a bit parade like to me and I really don't like it.

My DH didn't ask permission as such, but did mention that he'd be proposing, more because he couldn't gauge how much of a traditionalist my Dad is! My poor Dad though is bloody awful at keeping secrets and as a result wasn't able to speak to me for a couple of weeks!

I did think about names quite a lot, but felt strongly that me DH and our (hopefully) children should all have the same name to bind us as a family, and I preferred DH's surname to my old one so it was a fairly easy decision.

Really Bunbaker? You don't consider changing your name for (potentially) the rest of your life important? Because I've met plenty of women who thought that was just 'what you did'. Sure, whether you were given away or not, or whether your DH asked your dad's permission, or whether you were referred to as 'man and wife' can all be forgotten in time. Your name remains a constant reminder. I really think it is a little bit more important than how many yards of silk are in your bridal underskirt and whether you have roses or tulips in your bouquet. Sadly a lot of brides put far more thought into the latter.

There's nothing 'insecure' about not wanting to be treated as property.

My Mum walked down the aisle (well, I say aisle. Across the garden, really) with me, since there's no-one whose company and support I value more. No handing over the hand, though.

"and don't consider the important stuff at all."

But to many people what you consider important isn't. I agree with exoticfruits. I didn't have "issues" about being given away. In fact my dad made the congregation laugh when the vicar asked "who gives this woman away?". My dad said "I do, willingly". I also took my husband's name.

I am confident enough about myself that I don't need to worry about other people perceiving what they think of as being repressed. Incidentally, we are celebrating out 30th wedding anniversary next month and I still have fond memories of that day. So many of the guests are no longer alive, my parents included and I treasure my memories.

You are being picky and over thinking the whole thing. It is a huge day for parents. I would have given anything to have my father 'give me away'-call it what you will- but he had died, suddenly, 6 months before and never got his special moment. Are women so insecure they have to get tied up in such inconsequential things? My father didn't own me, my DH doesn't. It never crossed my mind that I should get upset about anything other than he wasn't there.
Weddings are not just about 2 people, they are about families. You not only get a partner, you get his/her parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts,uncles,great aunts, old family friends etc etc etc.(all the people who have loved him/her since birth.)

DH and I walked in together. I gave a speech, as did my 'best woman'. I didn't have an engagement ring, partly because we were financing the wedding ourselves and couldn't really afford one, but partly because I find it a bit weird that the woman has to wear one and not the man, so as to be marked out as his property ("She's mine, I've spat on this one," to quote Lee Mack). DH didn't really 'propose', we sort of decided to get married together, so it felt quite fitting.

DH did not ask my dad's permission. That is a horrible 'tradition' and I am quite when friends proudly tell me their DHs did.

I did change my name, but mainly because DH's name is quite cool and I fancied being called something different Anyway, usually women's surnames are their father's, so you're just swapping one man's name for another.

We didn't marry in a church because we are atheists, and will not be christening DS for the same reason. Certain family members are pissed off about this, which I find extraordinary.

My dad walked me down the aisle, but didn't give me away.

Sitting in the back of the wedding car together, holding hands, on the way to the ceremony was lovely and very special. I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world.

My Dad walked me down the aisle. I'm a feminist and was fully aware of how the act can be perceived - it wasn't something I just did 'because it's what you do', I actively wanted to do it.

My Dad is a widower and I had been living overseas for nearly 10 years by that point. We returned home to my home town for a fairly big wedding, and I just really wanted my Dad to be actively involved in the day. He didn't give me away. He walked with me down the aisle - we were both proud as Punch to be on each others arm - it was a really special moment.

There's a lovely photo of the two of us, taken unawares, coming into the entrance hall of the Church, I'm spinning around and have clutched onto his arm for balance and he's reaching out for me.

I didn't take DH's name, so hopefully my feminist credentials are still intact. I do think it's important to challenge old traditions and to get people thinking, but I also think certain things aren't necessarily insidiously patriarchal, either.

Did you ever see "Muriel's wedding"? The dad walks her down the aisle then hands her to her husband to be with a happy "she's all yours, mate". Just about sums it up for me.

(I am happily unmarried but celebrating our unsilver wedding this year.)

Oh, I've just realised you mean the whole formal handing over of the bride's hand? I don't think I've seen anyone do that in real life, though I've not been watching like a hawk tbh.

My father walked me up to the top of the aisle, then sat down in the front pew. It was the first time he'd been inside a church for over 20 years (committed atheist) so I knew the role meant a lot to him!

Oh yes! Ha!

Thanks Mumbling. I hope so.

P.S. It's MsInterpret. But that's another thread