Why do women still get "given away"

I do find it strange that someone comes over here and says "stop thinking about things from a feminist point of view."

in the feminist section.

Do you think someone with teenaged kids spends lots of time in the breast/bottlefeeding section typing "Stop overthinking how you feed your babies!" to them? Or do the people whose kids have stopped waking them up at night go into the sleep section and say "Stop nitpicking about sleep! You've overthinking it!"

If you don't want to think about things from a feminist perspective there's a whole internet - indeed, a whole world out there. I'm always interested to read "I don't agree with you because..." posts, but I find "stop thinking about it!" quite bizarre. This is the place to think about it. One of the few. If you don't want to think about it - you don't have to!

But can I just say how pleasant and necessary I have found your barely concealed but indirect attack.

So it's "unsupportive" of me to call someone obtuse who has insinuated that any woman who doesn't think being given away is just fine has a poor relationship with her father?

Um, OK.

"Still, it takes a pretty obtuse woman to refuse to see the symbolism for what it has been."

I disagree. I choose to not make an issue out of something that has carries no significnce for me. I have more important things to worry about. Besides it was 30 years ago and it didn't occur to me not to be given away.

I'm sorry, but I think you are wasting time and energy by overthinking this and making an issue out of it. If you don't want to be given away then fine. If someone chooses to stick with tradition then fine - it isn't your problem.

Sorry - England and last month so not exactly Saudi or 20 years ago!

Yup. Civil ceremony. Cannot remember exact wording though I'm afraid. We were all a bit surprised I think and dh made a bit of a joke of it with an over acted 'Phew'.
I didn't do a speech because I'd had to do shit loads of things for the wedding already. No way was I adding another task to the list.

A registrar asked if one man was giving you away to another?

Are you shitting me?

Was this in Saudi Arabia?

I had my Dad walk me down the aisle. I had no idea people still did an official "handover of goods"

TBH I went with the aisle thing despite its clear symbolism of the ownership of women because I think most wedding customs - Dad going down the aisle, wedding rings, speeches, have been largely detoxified.

Still, it takes a pretty obtuse woman to refuse to see the symbolism for what it has been.

I also didn't do a speech because I didn't feel like it, and I wasn't prepared to do it just to make a point.

I did not take DH's name. I kept my name, because after 31 years it would have caused professional difficulties to have changed it. It's not "the same name as my nephew", it's the same name I've had all my life.

My girls have DH's name, which (like the aisle thing) I have some jiggles about. We each tried to make sure the children had the other's name, and I prevailed. His Dad had just died, only son, sister changed her name. It seemed more important than my situation.

DH was happy to take my name, and very keen on us making up a new name we both took :o, but I think changing your name midway through your life is weird and naff.

I think it's nice, DH would certainly love to walk our DDs, not down an aisle as we're atheists, down something. I do think there's a lovely bond between a man and his daughters....different to son/mother dad/son etc, not better but different.

As long as you don't hand over her hands or whatever I think it's one tradition I really like.

My dad gave me away recently. Not the weird hand thing though. He did have to say 'yes' to giving me away when the registrar asked which I wasn't expecting.
I thought of it more as being walked down the aisle to get married by the second most important man in my life who has only really been superseded over the last 4 years.
I don't think I would have wanted to walk down the aisle by myself.

I took my husbands name when I got married, I wasn't happy with the assumption that I would do that, but we were planning to have children and it felt important to me that we all had the same name. He has children from a previous relationship, and it was important to him that they had the same name as him as well so he wouldn't change to my name. I could not see a way of everyone getting what they wanted. What do people think should replace the current tradition in regard to names? I don't really think the current way of doing things is fair, but it does keep things simple.

If I'm honest I can't remember if I was given away or not. I didn't give it a thought when I got married. I certainly don't feel that either my Dad or my husband own me.

I would not have felt comfortable being given away by anyone, so I made the decision not to be. I gather that a lot of brides-to-be aren't keen on the idea as the (woman) registrar did spend a bit of time in one of the pre-wedding meetings saying that 'it wasn't like it used to be...it didn't have to be my father - how about an uncle or godfather..it makes them feel special' before she realised that it was something I would not be swayed on.

I'm going to a wedding in a couple of months so it will be interesting to see what happens there.

Stop thinking, people. It makes you do feminism wrong.

exoticfuits. I agree. I never felt that I was my father's property. In 1981 when I got married I was happy for my father to give me away. I think there is far too much overthinking and "chip on the shoulder" type of stuff going on. The symbolism about being given away wasn't and isn't important to me.

"I really think it is a little bit more important than how many yards of silk are in your bridal underskirt and whether you have roses or tulips in your bouquet. Sadly a lot of brides put far more thought into the latter."

In a way you are right. I didn't take much interest in planning the actual wedding and sorting out the dress. I wanted it to go well, but I view a wedding day as just one (special) day of my life whereas marriage is for keeps (hopefully). It never occurred to me not to change my name and I had no reason not to. I don't feel that I am my husband's property either.

I have had a different surname from one of my DCs, it wasn't a problem except often just easier to answer to his surname.
However, since DH died really young he didn't leave much, having his name was a real comfort.

It think that people read way too much in giving away-it is lovely to walk down the aisle-I would have given anything to have had my father alive to do it. The wording is nit picking IMO-no one really thinks that you are being 'given'. Anyone could do it, in my case I had my brother, but I could have chosen my DS or my grandmother or my best friend.
If you looked into half the traditions you wouldn't do it!

The choice of surname is completely unimportant and personal choice.
In my case I would hate to be out for the day with extended family and be sharing my nephew's name and not my DSs -but that is personal choice.

Being a feminist, to me, means freedom of choice and letting people get on with their own choice without reading things into it that are not there. I am Mrs-simply because I can't stant Ms. If others like it that is fine, I call them Ms, but don't see why anyone has to be criticised or justified-or why you can't simply go to a wedding and enjoy the day without having to take umbrage because you think that a nice moment for fathers means the woman is his property. Perhaps the order of service should come with wording 'I do not think my DD is my property' to appease the nit pickers!!

I have a question for those saying it is easier / simpler / important to all have one family surname: I have a different surname to my husband and children. It has never once caused even the vaguest trouble. Is this something that I am yet to come up against? I don't understand how it is easier?

I don't really get the idea about it being important to have one family surname for the sake of unity either. I have a different surname to them - the thought of that making me less a part of my family is laughable. My husband has dark hair while we are all blonde - does this make him less a part of the family? Should he get out the bleach so people perceive us as a homogenised unit?

I have been really surprised about how much more traditional/patriarchal the CoE service is/was than the Catholic service which doesn't have either 'who gives this bride' or any mention of obeying.

I walked up the aisle with my father, and I think we both enjoyed it. I wore my mother's wedding dress because I thought she'd like that (I don't think she did at all though). dh and I gave speeches.

My BIL asked my father for permission to marry my sister. We all (including my father) thought that was very bizarre.

exocticfruits - as I said earlier in the thread, my Dad walked with me down the aisle (but didn't give me away), but I can still understand why some people have an issue with it.

Not on a personal level (I'm sure plenty of women who object to it have perfectly lovely relationships with their Dads), but for 'bigger picture' reasons, e.g. the symbolism of what it represents as hatwoman said, and the history behind it.

For some people it is, understandably, very important and nothing to do with insecurity - I think that's a very unfair accusation - nothing would ever change if we didn't question these sorts of things over time.

CofE give them away-a tradition (lovely for dads)-nothing more.

I've never been to a wedding where the bride was "given away", and I've been to a lot of weddings. Maybe it's different in Scotland?

Walk down the aisle accompanied by a family member or significant person (I've seen that be father, mother, brother, best friend and husband to be) sure, but when they got to the bottom of the aisle the father or whoever just sat down and the bride joined her partner.

Same with speeches. I can't actually remember the last wedding I went to where there wasn't at least one woman, be that the bride or bride's mother or bridesmaid making a speech.

I would say these were all pretty traditional weddings in pretty traditional surroundings - ie either church or registry office.

Sorry-their DCs not his.