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Original poster

Top Tips for not-yet-a-mum Feminists, please?

31 replies

LRDTheFeministDragon · 11/06/2011 11:41

There are a lot of threads at the moment about being a parent, and I know I'm not the only one who isn't a mum yet but would like to be. I am learning loads from those threads but also obviously missing a lot because I don't know what it's really like yet! I wondered if you could take a minute to tell me what you wish you'd known before you started, how you wish you'd tackled things - and what you did that you think made a big difference and really worked. What should I watch out for?

I know some of this will have been covered but I think it'd be nice to have it all on one thread - there are a few of us on here who are probably on the scrounge for tips and I sometimes feel it's difficult for me to understand what the real battles will be.

Thanks! Smile

OP posts:
SomersetBelle · 11/06/2011 14:42

You're probably well aware of this book - Delusions of Gender - but PrinceHumperdink recommended it to me on here recently and I'm a bit obsessed!

I wish I'd read it before having DD. She's only 17 months so it's not exactly a disaster, but I think we would have approached things slightly differently.

The other thing I would have done is to 'let' DH do more. I effectively set up a culture at home where I had all the answers re the baby and he had to defer to me. Not exactly empowering for him and it meant I was on duty 24/7. However, I think hospital births don't help as partners are not allowed to stay overnight, enforcing this pattern from the off.

I really struggled (and still do) with being the primary carer and the resultant inequalities with freedom of movement. I really wished we'd got that nailed. If there's a next time I'm looking forward to shared parental leave very much!

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 11/06/2011 14:28

My DH is not bad at all with housework, in fact he probably does over 50% of it, esp. if you include cooking. What bothers me is that he is rubbish at doing the planning bit (or maybe I'm just bossy, given that he does things when I say they need doing!). He'll happily do things, but won't anticipate them needing doing, if that makes sense? I don't think he realizes how annoying it is to be the one constantly keeping tabs on what we need to buy or noticing that the sheets need washing/the washing-up is sitting in the sink.

What worries me is that atm it's quite easy for us to have an equal relationship because we have no kids, we're both on roughly minimum wage (so no discussions about who earns more/how to spend our riches) and we rent a tiny one-bed flat so there's not exactly extensive housework/maintenance to do. I just worry that when we do have kids, the burden will shift because I plan and notice what needs doing, and he doesn't so much - I keep reading threads where people say they end up doing things/ getting up with the baby simply because their DH doesn't seem to respond to need.

Hope that made sense. I know it's a problem; I just don't knwo the answer.

OP posts:
MovingAndScared · 11/06/2011 14:18

some good thoughts there -
From my observation is the main people who have real problems after children arrive are those that their partners are not great with housework etc before the birth of a child
totally agree about not being a matyr - a clear request about what you need before you are desperate can be good

with (paid) work - what has made the difference again from observation is that partners share the dropping off and picking of children from childcare - I loathe the asumption that it is the womens job - and it can make it really difficult for women if they do it all the time - eg difficult to travel, work late etc
re dropping hours/going part time - that is another issue altogether - in this society it does normally have an impact on the carrer prospects of who ever is doing it (and it doesn't have to happen - lots of people work full time with children) -so I think it has to be something that people are happy with - whether male or female -
so I don't know if that what is what you were talking about with your DH or where you just saying he would need to get home at a reasonable time - which I would say would be a big help in the early days of a new baby at least -

if you are soon to be 34 - this isnt a feminist thing particularly - I would start trying again soonish but sure you know this

karmakameleon · 11/06/2011 13:49

I'm in the same position, so also keep to get everyone's tips.

blackcurrants, It's interesting what you say about discussing the implications of children up front and I have made sure I've done that, but I worry about how you know they are taking it all on board until the baby is actually there. For example, we've talked about sharing the childcare and DH has committed to cutting back his hours if he needs to, but the reality is that he is always aiming for the next promotion or pay rise. Obviously he loves his career and is ambitious (more so than I am although I do enjoy my work) and I can see that he really doesn't understand the conflict a baby could cause. He's just got another promotion so we've decided to stop trying for a bit until work is more settled, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm running out of time (I'm 34 this year) so the tempation to go ahead regardless and suck it up if the worst happens is getting stronger.

Thanks for the book recommendations, and let me know if there are any more (putting in an Amazon order this weekend so may as well throw some more in!!). I'll think about getting DH to read them, although, I'll hope that he doesn't take Wifework too personally. He does do his fair share now, so he's adament that he will do if there's a baby, and may not like the implication that he wouldn't.

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 11/06/2011 12:27

Thanks! I love the phrase 'patriarchy-proofing your partnership', btw.

I do talk to DH about not wanting to be the one who does all the childcare, etc. Our tentative plan is that we'll start trying when I've finished studying, so with luck we will have a baby when he's doing his degree - this plan is very deliberately with the idea that, this way, he will have the flexibility to do a lot of childcare early on. But we'll not know if that works until we try, and obviously it'd rather dependent on timing!

I hadn't thought to discuss my health re. pregnancy/childbirth, which is daft of me as I've read masses of threads about labour and am relatively open-eyed about possible health implications (insert hollow laughs here, those of you who've, erm, actually done it! Grin). But I will discuss that with him. The Politics of Breastfeeding sounds interesting too.

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 11/06/2011 12:18

Somethings that worked for me: talk to your partner NOW and OFTEN about how birth and childrearing skew an otherwise equal relationship. Talk about how you worry about being the 'universal mum' who cleans up after them as well as the kid(s). Talk about the hit that your career will/might take. Talk about the hit your health and body might/will take. Talk about how people are already asking you how you'll balance career and parenting - I introduced this by asking DH if people were asking HIM that - and when he said 'huh, no...' I asked him why. That lead to a really handy discussion about people's expectations on women being the 'primary parent' - eg it's the woman's fault if the baby cries in public, even if the man is also there.
If they're feminist-allied, give them things to read about this (Wifework, or Klein's Misconceptions - both gave my DH quite a shock and have stayed with him). I read "The Politics of Breastfeeding" while preg and he read bits of this too, which opened his eyes (and was the perfect nexus of feminism and anti-big-corporation stuff to get and keep his interest). This made him a perfect breastfeeding supporter - by which I mean he did all housework and cooking for the first 2-3 months, and brought me food and drinks (even cutting up my dinner!) while I fed DS absolutely bloody constantly.

Erm. These are really ways of patriarchy-proofing your partnership IF your partner is a feminist - I'm only a year in to this lark, and it DOES make things less equal without constant vigilance, frankly. (And of course, the work of the constant vigilance is unequal. If I'm the one worrying about how our partnership isn't equal, I'm the one in the lower position.) Right now I'm fighting the "If I'm home all day with a very difficult pre-toddling child, don't come home and launch straight into a long account of your acrimonious meetings. Come home and take the bloody kid off me!" - he's pretty good, but the work of mothering is pretty invisible, and I've had to learn to say "HELP ME NOW" and not roll my eyes and expect him to intuit when I need him to tag in. Also, and oh god this is key - don't be a martyr. You only make yourself unhappy. Lose your cool and/or live in a pigsty, but don't be a 'oh I'll do it' person - or you WILL do it, forever.