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Original poster

Mothers, fathers, children and the family heirarchy

337 replies

Ormirian · 10/06/2011 11:18

Thread obliquely about a thread. Sorry.

But as I read more I got Confused and then Shock and finally downright Angry.

I have always thought that having children was a joint project. Both parents have as much invested in the child, both care equally about the outcome. I always beleived that was a given. With good decent men anyway.

When children are small they come first. Always. Simple logistics demand it for a start. The parents gets what is left over in terms of energy, time and affection. In a solid relationship with similar attitudes that is absolutely fine because it's temporary and for a worthwhile goal.

I have heard about fathers being jealous when a new baby arrives. I can understand that I guess - mother's do tend to get wrapped up in newborns, exhausted and emotionally drained. However I always assumed that jealousy of a baby (who also happens to be their child) is something that would be regarded with embarrassment and shame. Something a man would fight against and certainly not mention seriously to his partner. If he was jealous of his own child he'd do his damndest to sort it out himself and not parade his ego in front of his partner and demand she massage it for him!

Have I been suckered by the myth of the New Man? Do most men really feel as if their infant children are 'in the way' and taking up too much of their partner's time? How can you be jealous of the affection your partner shows to your child and the time and energy she gives them? And what happened to supporting your wife/gf in what is a hard time for her too? When she needs your support and love? When she doesn't need more demands?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormirian · 10/06/2011 11:44

Nope.... in AIBU.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 10/06/2011 11:43

I still think he was having an affair.

Original poster
Ormirian · 10/06/2011 11:42

stewie - it was in Relationships I think and it was asking for a man's view on her situation. I have to say I think she is an absolute saint and her DH .....erm... was less so Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormirian · 10/06/2011 11:40

crackfox - that was the bit when I started howling and thumping my keyboard Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormirian · 10/06/2011 11:39

I have 3 DC. And yes the juggling becomes more difficult but it is a given that when children are small they came first - before DH and I.

ghost - when DC are small they have no say in the big decisions of course but their day to days needs come first. "The burden of giving absolute precedent to the needs of small children tends to fall disproportionately on mothers" is exactly what this thread is about! It shouldn't fall on a mother's shoulders - and she certainly shouldn't have to cope with demands of man child on top!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 10/06/2011 11:38

This reply has been deleted

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wrongdecade · 10/06/2011 11:38

great post SGM i've noticed that alot

TheCrackFox · 10/06/2011 11:36

I did find it interesting on that other thread that the OP was advised to give up breastfeeding her 3month old baby so she could devote more time to her DH. So she can liberate her breasts from her baby and give them to her DH I suppose. A lot of the advice was very 1950's.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 10/06/2011 11:35

I think the problem is that there is stil this lingering belief that men come first and that women exist to serve them. Even though it's wrong, it's at the back of a lot of people's minds.
Mind you, sometimes this 'children come first' line can come a bit unstuck - like when you have more than one child and at times the needs of those DC are in conflict in some way...

BerylOfLaughs · 10/06/2011 11:34

I also think it would be shameful to be the father in that position. I have known a man who insisted his wife stopped breastfeeding because he was jealous. Ridiculous.

My husband works outside the home, long hours, I work from home and do most of the childcare. I know he is proud of how good a mother I am and pleased with the care DD gets. However, now that DD is at school I have time to reflect on the past 5 years and realise that some problems that have cropped up in our relationship may be to do with the fact that I haven't appreciated him enough, haven't made much of an effort in our relationship. I've let things slide quite a lot.
He has never expressed any jealousy, and I would probably have berated him for it if he had, however I think it is easy to underestimate what it takes to make the family work. Sorry for the ramble, hope you know what I mean!

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/06/2011 11:31

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhollyGhost · 10/06/2011 11:31

"Both parents have as much invested in the child, both care equally about the outcome. I always beleived that was a given."

In infancy it is almost never the case - the woman has gone through pregnancy, childbirth, and maybe breastfeeding. She has much more invested.

As far as jealousy goes, a first baby changes the parents' relationship drastically. I remember feeling a bit forlorn because my DH was utterly devoted to our baby from the moment she was born, he was smitten with her, his face lit up when he looked at her. Previously he had only been devoted to me, and I felt a bit left out because it took me longer to bond with her. I imagine that for many men it is like that.

I don't understand exactly what you mean by small children always coming first - they are part of a family unit, and what is best for the family may not always be best for them e.g. parents may decide that it is best to uproot their children and move house, or they may need to divide their time between tending to a small child and caring for other family members. Putting small children first all the time may mean that parents burn out, which is not in the child's long term best interests. The burden of giving absolute precedent to the needs of small children tends to fall disproportionately on mothers.

But I agree that jealousy of a baby should be cause for embarassment and shame.