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Original poster

Why is that men abandoning/not supporting their children is not taboo?

68 replies

CrapolaDeVille · 09/06/2011 16:15

I was wondering this as I drove home today. When I was 19 I met a guy, at a mates house, who was in his early thirties with 5 children and three different mothers, he was single. Bleating on about how being a father wasn't for him, I did not hide my contempt and told him that if 'fatherhood' wasn't for him perhaps he should embrace 'condomhood' (I was very proud of this pun). He seemed to think it was okay to have kids and walk away as they were better off w/o him, as if that made him some sort of hero.

When did it become okay not to 'man up'? Is it just because women who have these children must all be slags and therefore these poor men haven't grown up and can't be responsible? (obviously not my opinion)

OP posts:
Reality · 09/06/2011 18:05

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StewieGriffinsMom · 09/06/2011 18:03

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Wellnerfermind · 09/06/2011 18:00

Reality- you're happy for him to see the children and he just refuses?

Reality · 09/06/2011 17:58

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bibbitybobbityhat · 09/06/2011 17:58

I probably operate in a very small social circle, but I can't think of a single person I know who would be indifferent to a man not supporting his children. On the contrary, I am certain they would disapprove quite strongly. Meanwhile, I have several female friends who are lone parents for most of the week, and they are not villified or stigmatised at all.

So I'm with Bennifer on this one.

Original poster
CrapolaDeVille · 09/06/2011 17:57

I'm going to design a website where men can be named and shamed if they don't contribute to their children's upbringing, what do you think?

www.financiallyfecklessfathers.com www.fff.com

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 17:57

SGM that sounds spot on IMO. except for teh maintenance part. why is maintenance being paid if care is shared?

Wellnerfermind · 09/06/2011 17:56

Do they get child benefit and tax credits in Canada?

SardineQueen · 09/06/2011 17:55

wellnerfind my suspicion is that a lot of men wouldn't actually want it.

If most won't pay to look after them.
And lots don't see them or it is sporadic.
Why do you think they are going to be keen to have them live with them?

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/06/2011 17:54

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Wellnerfermind · 09/06/2011 17:53

Make 50-50 the standard (as it is in Scandanavia) no need for NRPs,CSA or maintenance.

SardineQueen · 09/06/2011 17:51

I suppose my point is that 50/50 residency might be possible when society is 50/50 on everything else. And people are all behaving a bit more like grown ups.

basically we all need to turn scandinavian Grin

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/06/2011 17:50

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SardineQueen · 09/06/2011 17:50

I was recently persuaded on here that 50/50 residency is perfectly fine, assuming 50/50 parenting up to that point and that it wouldn't be too difficult for the children in terms of distances - the parents would both need to live near the school etc. And of course no abuse or anything on the part of either parent.

It would take a culture shift in workplaces for it to happen.

My suspicion is that many/most men, at the moment, wouldn't actually want this.

I think you need to change the culture and how society looks at things and workplaces and so on before you can really think about this properly.

onclefestere · 09/06/2011 17:49

My DH has residency. It took 5 years of court battles Sad

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 17:47

i want 50-50 residency.

Wellnerfermind · 09/06/2011 17:46

How many people on here would be keen on 50-50 residency?

Original poster
CrapolaDeVille · 09/06/2011 17:44

Go to your local pub on a Friday 5pm, it's not full of mothers.

OP posts:
Wellnerfermind · 09/06/2011 17:44

How many single Fathers do you know with residence?

The stat is about 5%, I've met one.

Original poster
CrapolaDeVille · 09/06/2011 17:44

People still say that my DH is 'babysitting' if I go out, and when asked out I am also asked 'can you get a babysitter?' Even if it's just me, DH never unless it's both of us.

Noone ever asks if a mother is 'hands on' either. My MIL thinks DH is put upon because he sometimes cooks the children food, ffs.

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 17:43

relevance?

SardineQueen · 09/06/2011 17:41

I know men who have children and don't see them and no-one really turns a hair.

I think the premise in the OP is accurate - men who do not see their children are not treated in the same manner as single mothers. Meanwhile single fathers (ones with residence) are lauded as remarkable heroes.

Even men who look after their children when they are in the family are often hailed as something remarkable. "Oh he does nappies! That's amazing" "So he takes them out by himself does he? How good he is" and conversely "Well of course you can't expect a man of his generation / culture to ever lift a finger ever" etc etc

It's all wrapped up in the same thing.

Bennifer · 09/06/2011 17:41

That was to BooyHoo

Bennifer · 09/06/2011 17:40

Does your ex pay maintenance?

AyeRobot · 09/06/2011 17:39

Chuckling at the idea that men who abandon their children are routinely shunned. All such a man needs to say it their ex is "mental" and lots of people shrug (and perhaps mutter their sympathies) and move on to the next topic.