Is this a feminist issue?

Disgusting is also a bit dramatic .

HaughtyChuckle, the best thing you can do, is bring yoru DS up to respect women and make him aware of the fact that he is going to be an object of fear to them because of the prevalence of violence against us, but that he shouldn't take it personally. If you do your job right, he won't have a problem with the fact that lots of strange women will fear him, he'll understand why that is.

That reminds me of something that happened to me recently which scared the bejaysus out of me. I had stopped my car to look at the map and had my hazards on, and suddenly the passenger door opened, I looked up and screamed - pure instinct and got ready to pull away dragging the bloke with me if necessary and injuring him. He looked slightly panicked, waved his arms shouting "sorry, sorry, your music was too loud to hear me", I turned the music down, and he explained that he'd seen my hazards and had come to see if I had broken down and needed help. I was v. apologetic, but afterwards (after I'd stopped shaking for about 20 minutes) I thought, FFS, I had no need to apologise, wtf was this wanker doing opening my car door anyway, so what if my music was too loud, why didn't he just wait outside until I lifted my head up when he could have signalled to me in a non-threatening way, or if he didn't want to wait, just fuck off and leave me alone? In a context where women get car-jacked, opening the car doors of a lone woman driver, is fucking stupid and nearly got him injured - I was seriously about to put the car in gear and push down on the accelerator, because I thought my life might be in danger and would prefer to take preventive action to save it and ask questions later.

I think that's a bit dramatic. If the worst is that a man isn't automatically trusted by every strange woman he meets, it's not so very bad.

I'm not sure why you're playing the mother of a son card - so am I.

what a disgusting thing to say I'm only making a point someone else made this point further up the thread but everyone has pounced on this, I'm onlt making the same point.

I think that's a bit dramatic. If the worst is that a man isn't automatically trusted by every strange woman he meets, it's not so very bad.

I'm not sure why you're playing the mother of a son card - so am I.

my point was that its gonna be quite hard as a mother to know my son will have to deal with that sota stuff all of his life like I said because he's big & male,

like either way can't win, I can understand people are anxious, but cuase a bad apple ruins it for everybody he's gonna be tarred with the same brush for the rest of his life.

The link was put up again properly by beachcomber.

I'm not sure what your point was - that it's sad that blokes are sometimes feared when their intention is benign? To which my reply would be "yes, but to be expected in the larger context of a patriarchal society and VAW" (ie. patriarchy hurts men too). Whether you constitute that reply as agreeing or disagreeing I don't know.

I remember chatting to a guy who told me how he and his mate came out of a house after a party, just behind a woman walking alone. They were walking closely behind her, and after a few minutes, she suddenly ran like fuck. And he was all hurty feelings as he'd intended her no harm and was just minding his own business, going home. But she wasn't a mind-reader. And had their intentions been ugly, a lot of people would have said to her "but what were you doing walking alone at night etc etc".

The thing is, though...why are so many women so keen to spend so much energy trying to educate men? Why is it our responsibility to stop men threatening us? Isn't that what we pay schools and police for? But I like it as description of how this feels.

Yes, HC.

that link didn't work are you disagreeing with my point/agreeing ?

Personally, I don't feel nervous about men I don't know being near me in a deserted public space because I'm scared I might be raped. I'm actually far more fearful about being mugged, as that is something that has actually happened to quite a number of people I know, male and female.

The only woman I know in RL who has been raped was attacked in a domestic space by a friend of her family.
(That's not to say there aren't other women who have experienced rape/sexual assault in some form among my RL friends and acquaintances, but they haven't told me about it).

Even so, although our fears are probably hyped up to a large extent by the media (which gives the impression rape and violent crimes perpetrated by strangers are far more common than they are....*) it's perfectly understandable that we still feel them.

*although under-reporting of both may well skew this assumption.

I'm not sure what my reaction is TBH.
Factually thought, young males are at greater risk of violence in public places than women, I believe so I guess your reaction was illogical coming form that POV?

However, I think it was an entirely natural reaction for self preservation and an instinctive and primal one.

To address the fact that women are objects of male violence on large scale - yes, they are. But in the vast majority of cases these women are attacked by men they know so it is not attack from a stranger.
Statistically, the home is the most dangerous place for women and children when it comes to violence.

So, in essence, yes I guess your reaction was illogical but also perfectly natural.

Oops, and sorry about the faulty link, and thanks to the poster who put up the proper one.

Really? good grief! I think my mum and her nervousness probably made me all the more reckless in my teens. I used to sleep in my car in a carpark when I'd had a drink and couldn't drive home.

Yes, HC.

I agree WoTomania my mum asks my dp to come withme to corner shop ffs 'for safety' its quite opressive and patronising

Well, that's part of 'patriarchy hurts men too' isn't it? rapist Schrodinger's rapist.

was that in reply to my comment ?

I also think a lot of it is learnt - I recently went out with a friend and drove rather than train'd due to timings and cost but my mother was incredibly relieved I was driving as 'getting a train at that time of night isn't safe' I am a 30 year old woman. I have walked through town centres (often the worse for wear) since I was 16 and still not come a cropper but if I went by my mum's paranoia rather than my experience I would be a nervous wreck.

I was going to post exactly the same thing as buzzsore - it is the Schroedinger's rapist phenomenon.

Gonna repeat the link as buzz's lead to an empty page.

kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

Your reaction was normal - patriarchy is to blame not you.

I think as others have said there is a large element of we have been taught to fear other men if on our own. 'Don't walk by yourselves late at night etc'. Where as men aren't taught this and yet are statistically in more danger. However there are also strange men out there who will attack you. I have dealt with this and actually it has normally been in board daylight but always with plenty of other people around.

Oops, scrub the first rapist.

Well, that's part of 'patriarchy hurts men too' isn't it? rapist Schrodinger's rapist.

I agree with Immaculada that perhaps something about this particular guy made you nervous as well as the larger context of VAW.

It must be horrible OP to feel nervous like that

I never feel scared in that circumstance I actually quite like walking around at night , so I can't quite relate but you can't tell who's who

It also saddens from the position of a mother I have a DS who is going to be a big bloke, probably going to have to deal with this assumption the rest of his life because he's big & male.