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Original poster

Sensitive - can I help my friend?

119 replies

feedingatoddler · 18/05/2011 13:09

I've namechanged because I don't want anyone to figure out who she is (however unlikely that would be) but I am a semi-regular poster on this section and I know you'll be able to give me sensitive advice on this situation. If you think you know who I am or can link this to any other thread, please don't say so.

My friend told me the other day that she thinks her boyfriend/ex is having sex with her while she is asleep. From what she told me I don't think there can be another explanation for what's happening, although she can't remember it (hence not being sure) and obviously she isn't consenting. :(. They have technically split up, though neither are moving out, she doesn't feel she can ask him to because it's his house, and she has nowhere to move to so is trying to get something sorted, although they are still sharing a bed. They have a toddler as well. She's been offered a place in a refuge from other things which have gone on, she hasn't told anybody about this, and there has been no violence other than this. But at the moment she says going to the refuge is more scary than just living with this situation a bit longer. There's nowhere else to sleep in the house either - she can't sleep on the sofa because her ex's friend is staying there (who happens to be my ex, although that's irrelevant, I can quite understand why she doesn't want to share with him either) and she doesn't want to sleep in with their toddler.

I am really upset by this and want to help but I don't know what to do - I suggested going to the police but she's very resistant saying it will be his word against hers and she doesn't want to go through examinations etc, especially if he then turns around and says "well it was consensual" and it's still her word against his. And I don't really blame her TBH. It's almost like denial is easier than facing it at the moment, but it's happening 2-3 times a week, usually when he is drunk. I said what if he is going out and sleeping with other girls first, he could give you a disease, but that just upset her at the thought he might have moved on already. I cannot imagine what sort of mental place she must be in that all these things - moving to a refuge, her recent ex sleeping with other girls - are worse than being raped 2-3 times a week. I just want to get her out of there.

OP posts:
dittany · 19/05/2011 22:21

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PeppaPigHonk · 19/05/2011 22:19

Don't put words in my mouth Dittany and do not suggest I don't have a clue. I don't subscribe to the , " All men are bastards and all women are victims" school of feminism, is all.

Let's review .

  1. The relationship is finished so the difficult part is done. By continuing to share his bed she is fudging that and making it impossibly difficult to pursue an assault charge should she wish to at any point.

  2. He has shown no violence towards her.

  3. She has been offered a refuge.

  4. She suspects he is raping her during her sleep but is not 100% sure.

If she will not leave his bed then she needs to gather absolute proof that he is raping her so I suggest she wears a cap and maybe clothing that will be difficult to remove and will show evidence of having been tampered with.

But then I like to offer practical solutions rather than froth at the mouth at men.

Straight2Extremes · 19/05/2011 22:18

If she is not leaving then she needs to confirm that she is being raped, because the police will have nothing to work with. Maybe she should pretend to be sleeping? I really think she should just leave I don't understand why she stays when you (OP) have offered her a safe haven.

AnyFucker · 19/05/2011 22:16

nah, she is 90% sure she is being raped

it's just a tad less serious than "proper rape"

ffs...

dittany · 19/05/2011 22:14

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dittany · 19/05/2011 22:13

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PeppaPigHonk · 19/05/2011 22:10

No Dittany, I think we are having the, " Is she 100% sure she is being raped" and the , " Why is she still sleeping in his bed?" conversations.

Or at least, I am. And for me one of feminisms fundamentals is not to assume women are powerless.

dittany · 19/05/2011 21:54

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AnyFucker · 19/05/2011 21:49

FAT, I hope your friend can find a way out very, very soon

I honestly don't know what else you could do, but be there for her and do not keep repeating the obvious (I don't think you are, btw, but it seems some people would)

she knows what the obvious thing to do is, but for some reason is frozen

Original poster
feedingatoddler · 19/05/2011 21:42

Thanks AF and dittany. :) Peppa, Dial, I'm not saying what she's doing at the moment is the best course of action, but the obvious answer to an outsider isn't an option for her at the moment, for whatever reason, and I just came for advice on anything which might help in the meantime.

Smudged it makes me feel sad too :( I don't know what the reason is keeping her hanging on. I'm not sure if it's an emotional connection still or not.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/05/2011 20:08

no, it isn't fully protecting her child, Pep, you are right

just living in the same house with an abuser damages children

but you read the testimony of any abused woman, and you will discover it often takes them a long time, and many attempts, to finally get away

PeppaPigHonk · 19/05/2011 20:06

I'm not quite sure how staying with someone you suspect of raping you and getting into bed with him every night is protecting your child?
Protecting your child is removing both of you form a violent/potentially violent situation as soon as you can.
Besides, she doesn't even know for sure what he is doing, she suspects.

dittany · 19/05/2011 19:58

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AnyFucker · 19/05/2011 19:50

....or that he will stick his dick in her while she lies next to her child ?

dittany · 19/05/2011 19:25

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DialMforMummy · 19/05/2011 08:52

Maybe I missed something, but I'd much rather sleep with my toddler than with my ex in this situation.

PeppaPigHonk · 19/05/2011 07:51

If she is sure he is raping her in her sleep, she has to leave his bed at the very least, surely?
I accept she may be feeling very low, have self esteem issues etc but she and only she can help herself in this first instance.

If she knows this is happening and yet climbs into bed with her abuser every night, how can anyone help her?

Smudged · 18/05/2011 23:35

I'm so sad that someone would feel that there are no options available to her that are better than living with this.

I think you know that she needs to, at the very least, be sleeping in a different room to him, even if that is on the floor and fully clothed. Preferably she needs to be in a different building, where she feels safe, whether that is a friend's house, the refuge or the young mum's place that you mentioned. If she went to a friend she wouldn't need to explain everything, she could just say that it's too awkward to live there now they have split up and there isn't anywhere for her to sleep.

She needs to look after herself and her toddler especially since she is frightened of his actual and threatened behaviour. If he is drinking heavily as well this will only make him worse.

Is there an emotional reason that she is staying? Does she feel that she owes him something? Or that he still loves her really? When they broke up, did she split up with him or the other way around?

cloudyweather · 18/05/2011 23:00

thankyou dittany-i dont think ive ever been called sensible before.
i am sensible but in a very uneducated scewiff way[what is this uneducated-said in a funny way-sorry-cant stop taking the piss out of society]
yes-i knowSmileangry is not the same as dreanged.
yep-damm right eh!

dittany · 18/05/2011 22:48

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cloudyweather · 18/05/2011 22:39

oh one of the greatest "shut up"words ever-"you are imagining it"
bloody victorian and it still stands today!
im going to go now as im beggining to sound deranged

dittany · 18/05/2011 22:26

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cloudyweather · 18/05/2011 22:26

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PrinceHumperdink · 18/05/2011 22:16

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Original poster
feedingatoddler · 18/05/2011 22:08

Yes sorry, I am aware it is violence, I meant violence as in something the council office are aware of. Incidentally I'm now wondering if she went in and said he had hit her, would they demand police reports of that, or would that be accepted without question? (Not really relevant, just musing)

I will see if I can get her to speak to Women's Aid again. It's taken over a year for her to get to the point where she's called them, so it's a good step. I honestly don't think she is making it up. It might be that her perception of events isn't 100% clear, but I don't see why she would lie. I have a horrible feeling it's been going on for a long time though - last summer I remember having a jokey conversation with her about anal sex and then she said she was a bit worried that her P might do that to her when she was asleep and was then really surprised at how shocked and horrified I was to hear she was even worried about that as a possibility. I said then that if he was ever to do anything sexual to her while she was asleep that it was rape and she could have him arrested for it, and her reaction was "Don't be silly, I couldn't call the police on him just for that!" but then said that he hadn't ever done anything like that anyway, and she was probably just being paranoid. So I didn't push it at the time. Then she didn't mention anything like that for ages and I assumed that it wasn't an issue - but maybe it was. :( I can certainly relate to the mindset that sex is just for your partner's benefit and oh, just hurry up and do it, kind of thing, (have moved on from that myself, thankfully) and it's possible that it was such a slow transition she didn't really notice there was anything wrong until I said the first time, and then it took her this long again to build up the courage to say anything.

It's really hard for us to meet up and talk about things, because her P always suspiciously turns up, so we have to go out, which means either we're in a public place or we both have DC around which makes it hard to talk as well. I keep inviting her over to stay the night though, hopefully now they are split up that might be a possibility, even if I have to go and get her on the bus.

I don't think she's drinking, because her P drinks a lot and she despises alcohol at the moment. She is taking painkillers, and it's actually her P's prescription, which he doesn't take because he'd rather drink - but I don't know that they are strong enough to cause blackouts. These are for migraines and she says the ones she is prescribed aren't strong enough.

BestName I don't think she's saying she wants to, just that the alternatives are all so scary that she doesn't have a choice. (Except of course she does have choices, and they probably aren't as scary as she thinks right now)

OP posts: