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Original poster

Ok then - what's the absolute best way to respond to physical/verbal sexual harrassment?

33 replies

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 10/05/2011 17:29

...Apart from with the Feminist Cavalry obviously.

Last week I had one man feel me up at a work event, and another make very loud comments to me about my breasts in the pub. I had never met either of these men before, but they were surrounded by their/our friends and presumably felt sure that no serious consequences would result of their behaviour to me (like, say, friends dumping them).

BOTH times I was told afterwards by other women who'd been there that the men had done the same or worse to them in the past.

So what I want to know is, what should we do, when faced with this twattish behaviour? I want something that will show the perpetrator that it's not ok, and discourage them from trying it on me or anyone else again.

Thoughts/ideas?

Because shutting up and being polite about it isn't working for me any more.

OP posts:
RubberDuck · 11/05/2011 08:16

Groping counts as assault so you are permitted reasonable force to get out of the situation. Fingers are vulnerable even on the strongest person so grabbing one and yanking it back gets you a lot of control of the hand immediately. A sharp elbow could also be employed to great effect.

As dittany says though, you do have to be careful that you don't then escalate the confrontation and get in a much nastier situation as a result. At a work event, this is less likely though as there are plenty of witnesses.

Original poster
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 11/05/2011 08:05

Thank you for the ideas. You are all fab :)

Dittany - I know, I keep wondering what these guys are like when they get a woman on their own, if that's how they behave when in a supposedly safe place (brightly lit, surrounded by others etc).

Blackcurrants, I LOVE the idea of channelling the Death voice. I'm sure I can remember to do that. What with that, and snowmama's waiting for them to explain themselves, it sounds quite terrifying which is what I want.

You know, gropey man's boss is a lawyer.

OP posts:
snowmama · 10/05/2011 18:35

It is difficult to shake off the programming, but I agree with calm, loud, simple comment - ask what they are doing and why. Look them dead in the eye, do not apologise, elaborate or explain (it is up to them to do that ).

blackcurrants · 10/05/2011 18:31

Oh I think you should, Elephants, if you can.
Depending on if you feel safe/willing to take on any potential repercussions, (eg "no sense of humour, Just having a larf" bollocks) I've found "STOP DOING X NOW" in a big, but low pitched voice, to be remarkably effective.
"STOP MAKING REMARKS ABOUT MY BREASTS NOW."
or "STOP TOUCHING MY ARSE RIGHT NOW." and if you get a "oh, cheer up, only joking" response just keep calm and carry on along the lines of "I do not want to you to x. You may not do x. Stop doing x." and then turn to someone else and start another conversation while the abuser looks embarrassed and everyone stares at them.

I always think of Pratchett's Death's voice when I try to imagine how it should sound.

Awful for you, I'm enraged on your behalf.

dittany · 10/05/2011 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheVisitor · 10/05/2011 17:51

Absolutely, because as long as people stay quiet about this behaviour, it stays unchallenged and it's absolutely, unequivocally wrong. Definitely raise a grievance with regard to the first man.

Original poster
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 10/05/2011 17:34

One works for the same organisation, the other doesn't.

I thought I would be the one to shout and make a fuss next time, I really did. But when it came to it I didn't.

What I actually did was inform several other colleagues (first man), and tell him to get over perfectly normal human anatomy (the second one) but it wasn't enough.

I'm not sure I can reprogramme myself to make a loud fuss about this. Should I?

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 10/05/2011 17:32

If I was groped, I would state in a VERY loud voice that he had just sexually assaulted me and is very lucky that I wasn't calling the police to press charges. The other I would state the above but use sexual harrassment instead. Then you could watch them want the ground to open up and swallow them.

Actually, as it's a work event, do these men work for the same company? If so, report them for both incidents.