Q for feminists: was your mother a Feminist? or not at all?

Yes, my mum was (is) a feminist. Not especially activist or political but she very much started from the perspective of "women and men are completely equal" and challenging any language or attitudes that went against this.

So, she didn't change her name, had high flying career (though did not ignore us), was careful about gender-biased toys/books, etc.

My dad shares her views but was/is less vocal about it.

Interesting that there's an equal mix here of those whose mums were and weren't feminists.

My mum was not a feminist and would not identify as one.

My parents had a very traditional setup, in that she stayed at home, giving up her job when children arrived "because it was the done thing".

Fast forward 50 years and due to a workplace accident which made my breadwinner father totally unable to work again physically, in 1 day my parents went from "comfortable empty nesters" to pretty much poverty.

Not helped by the fact that my mum doesn't have more than a couple of years NI contributions to her name, and no pension to speak of. Since they thought my dad had another 20years in the business, and no compensation from his employer, they're pretty much fucked, financially.

And despite what my mum says about how it was the best for thema t the time, i look back and see that my sister, brother and half brother totally took advantage of her sacrifice/didn't appreciate it at all.

seeing this situation, and that of my PIL (met Dh whilst we were both at uni on the same dept), was what made me become more aware of feminism. and what other people had fought for on my behalf in the previous generations.

so you could say that it was seeing first hand experience of where society has failed women, because they take on more of a burden for the childcare/children's wellbeing (choose to? forced to?), i saw that i didn't want history to repeat itself.

that was a strong reason for delaying starting a family, if i'm being honest. e.g. making sure that i had a career in place, making sure that DH was happy to go part time if we needed rather than leave it to me, basically "how can i avoid the traps that i see DM and MIL fall into" - depressing, eh!

My mum was not a feminist, although I thought she was a strong woman in many ways. Growing up with her and seeing her experiences (lost nearly everything in one divorce, spent several years caring for a very disabled man with the bare minimum of help to stop her going over the edge and so keep her doing it) did help to make me a feminist though.

My Mum and Dad are feminists and definitely brought me up that way. I remember listening to feminist folk songs as I was growing up. I even sang 'Girls can do anything' by Sandra Kerr to my class at school!

I was raised totally the opposite to my most on here. In my younger mind I always saw it as women is more 'in charge' as such. My dad did loads at home, so did my grandad.

Its how my parents are, and how my grandparents are. It is exactly how I am with my husband to as I have married the carbon copy of my dad. I have never known any other way tbh and I dont think I could change if I tried as its all I have ever known, and I got married at 20 but before that I always went for men with a very similar personality type to my dad/grandfather.

No one ever really spoke about feminism its just thats the way things were and I think my parents did it subconsiously to do with their upbringing, and that attracted them to the personality types of each other, and that happened again with my husband and I. Works out though as my gps were together from 18 till death, my parents since 14 and us from 18 so it worked out/is working out for all of us.

I remember walking to school when I was about five or so and my mum talking to me about "and women get to wear trousers and skirts, whereas men aren't allowed to wear skirts except in Scotland, and that's not fair, is it?" and sometimes she'd get very worked up and tell me "you have no idea what women have done! you're not grateful enough! do you know how hard they've worked so you can be free like this?" (at five!) etc etc. So pretty strident. I didn't take much notice of it until I read Greer at 13 (my mum said I shouldn't read her because I'd get depressed, but she was the one who introduced me to Simone de Beauvoir), but was usually the indignant one spouting the "that's so sexist" amongst my peers (I was as naive as they were).

She grew up in a pretty traditional household- maids saying 'vous' to her and stuff and all the main women in her life staying home to look after their big families, with help, but she didn't grow up being fed stereotypes or anything and it wasn't rebellion, her developing this level of feeling towards it. Now she's pretty much lost the enthusiasm for it. If I start up a discussion about it, she'll smile and say "yes, exactly" against my poor dad, but she won't volunteer any more rants.

amber yes my parents are quite special . I have the utmost respect for my dad - he grew up in a country which bred prejudice in people but managed to hold his own. He stood up to not only strangers but his friends about my mom's right to work, earn her own money and be independent.

I know that I am very lucky to have my parents as role models - I do look to their relationship as a good example of how an equal relationship.

hassled- I dont think you are letting the feminist side down by being a samh with 4 DCs rather than being employed. You will do a lot more for the feminist cause by raising 4 feminists who then go onto raising their own feminist DCs than by being a childless feminist who doesnt pass their philosophy on to the next generation.

Did anyone grow up with a feminist mother and not become a feminist themselves? It seems like once that light has been switched on it cant be extinguished.

I wish my Mum had been like some of the feminist Mums on this thread. It wasn't a word that was ever used when I was growing up. There weren't any feminist books in the house, not that my Mum would have had time to read them, the amount of housework she did. My Mum did work, be it p/t and did emphasise that she had her own bank account that she put her wages into but she didn't have a clue about finances and left all the big decisions like house and ar buying to my Dad. She stayed for decades in a relationship she wasn't happy in. Dad 'didn't do' nappies etc but she just accepted that and took on the 'mother martyr' role. She told me she was put off having more DCs because of the uneven split in housework/childcare but never made an attempt to get Dad to do more.

They both made it clear that they had wanted a son and that, I being a daughter was a disappointment. They definately would have had more career ambitions for me if I had been a boy.

I had a bad relationship with my Mum growing up which did make me quite anti-women in my teens. I was very anti-feminist before I went to uni.

Ironically my mum now identifies as a feminist. I introduced her to it but she still comes out with loads of anti-feminist claptrap like 'it's a woman's fault if she's raped etc'.

She does not identify herself as such, but she is. She's very ambitious and never let anybody tell her what she can or can't do. No, she was not home waiting with freshly baked cookies, but I really didn't mind - I am very proud of her achievements. She (and dad) raised us kids to be like her too - when we were younger, it didn't even occur to us that we can't do something or be someone because we are girls.

I think my mom was more of the practical feminist ilk rather than theoretical/political one IYSWIM. And in part I have my dad to thank for that as well.

I grew up in SA during apartheid and a woman's place was very definitely 'in the home' So much so that in order to buy goods over a certain value you had to have a permission letter from your husband. I kid you not. She was very ambitious and rapidly started earning more than my dad. When he got the comments about 'how could he allow his wife to earn more than him?' he told them to piss off. Both me and my sister were always told we could do whatever we wanted and my dad certainly didn't hold any truck with the idea of girls/boys roles - so I can now practically rebuild a boat something he and my mom did together. I have to say my dad is a bit of a feminist too! He hates the idea of gender roles and has worked quite hard (although really subtly) to ensure that me and my sister were not pushed in to anything just because of our sex.

My mom now works in a male dominated industry and has done very well for herself, having worked her way up with only highschool qualifications. She is in charge of all things financial (I think a bit too much tbh) but has an equal relationship with my dad. She has always believed that a woman can do anything a man can do (although has surprisingly traditional views on some things - me taking my husband's surname for one).

I now work in a male-dominated field and feel that I can hold my own. I certainly don't fulfil the typical 'wifely' duties at home (much to my MIL chagrin) but I don't actually view them as such because they never were in our house. She has always encouraged me in life to do what I wanted not what was expected of me. It always saddens me when I speak to rellies back home who just cannot seem to understand what I do for a living, for them it still is an anathema that a woman could be in my role, rather than its more traditionally female counterpart.

Yes, my mother is a feminist, but she never spoke about feminism directly. Somehow she managed to bring me up knowing that there was a history of unfairness, and also pointing me towards interesting women past and present as an act of counterbalancing the fact that men's achievements are constantly spoken about. I only realised a few years ago that she sought out books for me that had good female protagonists, in fact I think I only saw that it just couldn't have been an accident after reading a thread on here about which books to leave lying around for your daughter.

She is unquestionably the boss in her relationship with my dad, although she still bears the burden of housework etc being her responsibility unless someone takes some of it on themselves. Having said that the way my parents live is quite old-fashioned in that there is as much "outdoor work" (done 95% by my dad) as "indoor work" (mainly done by my mum) to be done, so although they have a fairly traditional divide they both work hard.

She has definitely helped to make me into a feminist, but perhaps it helped that she let me work so many things out for myself - she just put the ideas my way for me to think about. I don't think she's ever been involved in any activism but she is very happy about the things that I do - I think she thinks that it's my "turn" to do something about sexism really.

OP - do you think your dad may have had some impact on your attitude towards men, as well as your mum?

No, I don't think my mum is a feminist, although I think she'd be really empowered to read some feminist stuff. I don't often know what to send her though because I'm worried it might trigger bad memories for her. She's had a pretty shit time at the hands of various men, and yet she clings to this idea you can "fix" people if you love them enough and that all actions have a reason and she forgives absolutely everyone, though she has successfully cut people out of her life, and she's getting better at spotting bullshit earlier on. She still forgives them though.. I don't know that I could ever understand that.

She also has some pretty traditional ideas about men being useless at housework even though she managed to produce me, being female and somehow completely lacking the housework gene. And men needing sex and women not really liking it and men needing to go into their "caves" (actually pretty much all of the Mars and Venus book). And she was really upset the other day when I let my sister get the last bus home after babysitting for me because she'd have had to walk home on her own after dark (despite the fact I used to do the same when I was 3 years younger, and drunk!)

However, she did raise my sister and me single-handedly which I think was good, made me realise I could do it on my own if I ever needed to and I am. If we ever get into a conversation about feminist things she's always interested and seems to agree mostly with what I'm saying so I suppose that might have been where my initial interest came from. But ultimately I think I've identified with feminism more since I got older and started to develop my own views on things.

My mother doesn't understand the need for feminism at all, she is bemused by it. Despite going to university in the 60s and then again to a trendy lefty social science course in the 70s, and despite having always been a working mother.

My sister and I have been feminists from a young age. She thinks we're odd. We think she's repressed. She lives to please my father, who treats her like a skivvy. Hence our feminism, a reaction against this.

My dad is more of a feminist than my mum and had a greater influence on me in that direction.

My mum is a very strong, independent woman but she thinks that feminism is an issue for oppressed women overseas somewhere rather than in the UK in 2011. She has always been successful, financially independent and respected by the men in her life and doesn't consider that her personal case may have been the exception rather than the rule for her generation...

Yes, my mum was definitely a feminist, but in a practical, rather than book-reading sort of way. She always talked to me about the position of women, inequalities at work/womens vs men's pay rates and that sort of thing.

She was also active in her union when she was younger, and struggled a lot with the endemic attitude amongst many of the male union leaders that women 'worked for pin money' and that it wasn't as important to support them.

I love my mum, but I have no illusions about her feminist credentials. She was raised to "be nice to get love" and had nannying and secretarial jobs after she left school at 16, while she was waiting to marry someone, keep his house, and raise his babies. She's amazing with kids - I remember her being a fun SAHM and she's wonderful with her grandchildren. I wish she'd had the chance to be a teacher, or a childminder, or ... well, anything which gave her talents scope. As it is, she now runs her own successful business (a B&B) and repeatedly remarks that she never thought she'd be someone who'd have done that. She was also amazed when she agreed to be interviewed by local kids for their primary school project and the first question was "What is your occupation?" She said "Why I grew up no one asked women what they did. All the women were housewives."

She was sent to a school which was basically a finishing school, she was invited to give up maths and do more cello (!) as she was better at it and which girls needed maths, anyway? I asked her once how many girls from her school went to University. She looked pretty thoughtful and said, 'no, not one. But no one was kept from going, I don't think....' Having had a conversation with an Aunt who told me, as a teenager, that I was a 'bluestocking who will never get a husband' I suspect that actually, these girls were pretty actively dissuaded all their lives from going to further education.

She thinks women who don't use "Mrs" and take their husbands name are insulting their husband's families and she thinks that women who sleep with men before they marry them will be 'used goods' and 'why buy the cow when the milk is free?'... I asked her why a woman would want to buy a pig for the sake of one sausage, and to her credit she laughed and laughed and laughed and told me I was terrible and modern.

She's lovely. But she's not remotely capable of critical thinking. She thinks things are what they are because they are, and why rock the boat? She thinks I'm mean to my DH cos he changes half (or slightly more than half) of the shitty nappies and does housework. I point out that he has opposable thumbs and a spine, why the hell should I pick up after him? And she shakes her head and laughs and says how glad she is that we're happy.

My Dad doesn't do anything like his fair share of housework, and I know that she wishes he would, but won't do anything about it as it's "too late." They've been happily married for 35 years - still laugh together, still enjoy each other. But I doubt if, after 3 kids, he's changed more than 100 nappies in his life.

The good stuff: Mum's a real tomboy/countrywoman who raised us to be outdoorsy, horse-riding, tree-climbing girls who weren't "ninnies" and didn't "Whine" and she supported our educational choices and pushed us to go to Uni. I had an entirely un-pink childhood, and was supported in my choices. By the time my mother was making noises about how my Doc Martens were "so unladylike" I was 14 and had read The Female Eunuch and had no problem telling her about my body/my choice, etc. And if she rolled her eyes, she never enforced high heels!

The bad stuff: My brother wasn't made to do housework like we were, there was some gender favouritism. (he does a lot in his family now - which my Mum can't cope with at all). She thinks I should be a SAHM, or, rather, makes carefully coded references to why she thinks me working is a bad plan. And doesn't see that it's sexist, since "babies need their mums more than their dads" etc. This upsets DH, who would love more time to spend with DS...

So No, my mum wasn't a feminist and yes, that definitely made me one (not my Dsis, though) - but she was a great Mum, and I'm hoping to take the good, lose the bad (and probably inject a whole load of my own style of bad!)

I did have a long reply which disappeared! So here is the short version:

If asked to describe herself I don't think that the word feminist would be in there but she is:

She recognises sexism and inequality and pointed this out to me e.g. the fact that women needed a male signatory to get a bank account (well within my lifetime!). And has always been outspoken in challenging men and sexist behaviour.
She never uses derogatory or sexist terms to describe women.
She absolutely hates violence, especially against women and children (she worked for the NSPCC and Samaritans).
She has always recognised the amount of blame women get within relationships/raising children and regularly challenges this.
She divorced my father because she wasn't happy, moved out of the family home and set up her own home (I was 16 at the time so just split my time between them).
She had a career, but also stayed at home until I was 5.
Always recognised how competitive/ambitious I was and that my brother wasn't.
Always supported me and my brother in whatever we wanted to do.

I've learnt a lot from her (more than I realised) and although she wouldn't identify with radical feminism (the politics for some reason really puts her off) I would say she was a liberal feminist.

Interesting question.

My mum has feminist sympathies and raised my DSis and I to do what we wanted to do and not expect a man to "look after" us. (Kind of ironic that we're both SAHMs at the moment, although it hasn't always been that way).
She suggested I read The Women's Room when I was a teenager, she always worked and brought up our brother to help around the house/clear up after meals etc. as much as the rest of us.

I wouldn't say we were particularly indoctrinated with feminism, but she hasn't been a bad role model in many respects (wrt feminism) and I think she was more aware than most about certain aspects of gender stereotyping and has always been a bit of a rebel, so never liked to be pigeon-holed in any way. This has also been passed down to us, I think.