First baby for a feminist, expecting a boy: where do I start??

TieTetua I was going to say the same. DS is 2.5 and I'm 11wks pregnant with #2 - the older DS gets the mroe I realise his father is slipping into stereotypical make roles and views that he didn't seem to have before I became a domestic slave goddess. I'm less training DS to ignore the gender inequalities and focusing on having these kind of discussions with DH, because much as he is brilliant with his son (perfectly capable of doing everything it takes to look after him and does his fair share of it too) when it comes to housework and misogynistic 'banter' (my brother is in the army, it's amazing how much HE has changed since the brainwashing started there) I do pull him up on it because HE is the one who needs to set a good example.

There's no point in me bringing up DS to think men and women are both capable of taking out the bins and doing the washing up if the behaviuour from his closest male relative goes against that.

This makes DH sound very anti-feminist, he's not (has been amazing hearing him tell my brother to take the softcore porn off his barrack walls because of the attitudes it encourages towards women) but I think language and behaviour we didn't really think about before is becoming more important because we are setting an example to a growing human being.

Oops, I've been crazed with work and not come back to this thread - Is "Raising Cain" that bad, SGM? oh heck - I haven't got past the first page but I was recommended it by someone who I thought had her head screwed on pretty well. I'm going to have to read further, I think. I also want to read Pink Brain, Blue Brain and I still haven't read Delusions of Gender but now the semester is finally wrapping up there's hope that I'll get the time (once I've marked all the blardy exams!)
So - yes! There will be a "Feminist Parenting of Boys: The Bookclub" thread starting in 3, 2, 1...

What Selks said also what Sarkylady said.

I think there is a tendency to overestimate the influence we have as parents over our children's personalities. Once he is born you will grow to meet him and find out what he is like as an individual.

Don't get too irate with the well-meaning nonsense grandparents and other wellwishers come out with.

I have two DSs. One loved his toy kitchen, the other had no interest. One loved cars and diggers and trains as a toddler (the one with the
kitchen) the other loved drawing and making. One liked to be
outdoors, the other likes to cuddle up at home. One is a daredevil, the
other is more cautious. Neither is more 'boy' than the other.

On the otherhand, as soon as your DS is born you will become 'mum' and 'dad' and that is a minefield of gender stereotypes as small differences in who does what in the early years can end up with one partner specialising in childcare and housework.

Congrats and enjoy!

Congratulations! Buy pink stuff and boy dolls like Noddy.

I'm finding with DS that I just go with the flow. Luckily, DH is fabulous and we agree with one another that we shouldn't pressure him into liking only "boys' things."
In fact, DH can't wait to buy him a little toy kitchen for his 2nd birthday. I totally don't get the "toy kitchens are for girls" thing. DH is a chef, and is in a kitchen 6 days a week. He sure as hell does more cooking than me.

I agree that the hardest thing to counter is friends and family. As I said on another thread, DF keeps saying he is pleased that DS likes cars because he is a proper little boy.
Apparently his like of his buggy and dolly are my influence, said as if I foist these toys on DS to make a point. I don't have the money to piss it all up the wall on toys I know DS won't play with. I noticed he liked the buggy at playgroup, so bought him one.

Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself 'would I do the same if DS was a DD?', so if you find yourself letting him play in a violent way, or excusing him from household chores, or trying to dissuade him from dancing or playing fairies, because he is a boy, then it's time to take action.

The main problems I've found are stupid comments from family eg 'you're being such a girl' if he's whining. I won't tolerate the word 'girl' being used as an insult.

There's awfully little in this thread about the actions of the boy's father! But where else is a young boy going to get an example of male behaviour from? It's hard to imagine the lad growing up as a young male feminist if his father's the total opposite. See how much agreement you can get before the birth, and keep it up.

Paternity leave is ridiculously short, but having the father around full time for the first couple of weeks can make a huge difference. Both parents learn together how to handle things and feel confident in their partner's ability to look after the baby.

I agree that mat leave can easily start pushing women into gender stereotyped roles within the home.
IMO it is important that (excluding bf) you make sure that there is nothing that your dp doesn't ever do. It is really common to hear things like "my Dh wouldn't have a clue how to put Ds in his car seat" etc. It is so easy to slip into the primary caregiver role while on mat leave in a way that makes it hard to ever reinstate equality. My boys are at school and I still find my self assuming that things are my job. On some cases this makes sense (Dh is shit at laudry) but in other cases I think it just a hangover idea that I have primary responsibility for the boys.

I read & enjoyed Pink Brain, Blue Brain which helps you counter the "science" based views people have about gender essentialisms - ie the stuff that people think science has proved about gender which it totally hasn't! (Eg women talk more than men, boys are better at physical tasks than social ones, or whatever.) The author also has some helpful practical tips to follow in order to try to avoid some common traps.

As a mum of 3 boys I'd like to join a book club on the raising Cain book!

Review of Steve Biddulph's dross book.

Sorry, I haven't had time to read all the other messages but you'll be fine and will make a lovely man who will understand and respect women. The only thing to bear in mind is that you will need to know a lot about dinosaurs. Don't know why that should be a gender issue but it does seem to be. Other than that, love is all you need!

My daughter had a train set and lego, my son got a doll a toy kitchen etc. as well as loads of other toys, they soon swapped.

There have been a lot of threads about bringing up boys/girls to resist gender stereotypes and fulfill their potential without social constructs hemming them in. As mum of a young toddler, I'm very interested in all this.

I think it would be a good idea to have a book-club focusing on the issues relating to feminism and raising children, as it won't necessarily hold the same appeal for those without kids or those with grown-up kids.

blackcurrents, how about starting a thread suggesting it - both here and in the Feminist Book Clubs section and see how much interest there is?

Apologies for the hijack, OP, but I suspect you'd be interested in this too...

Sarkylady totally agree Steve Biddulphs book is DIRE. It made me feel very very angry indeed.

I have a constant battle with dh on this issue as we have 2 boys and he is determined that they are proper "boys". Love it when they go against his wishes, like the time dh wanted a fifi and the flowertots bike

at someone recommending Steve biddulph's sexist twaddle on this section!

xpost with Hazed - absolutely agree!

And you'll be doing his future partners a favour (well, actually making it more likely he'll get a partner as well as be able to look after himself).

Sticking my nose in to see what others are saying. A very interesting thing to ask. I've found my boy (21 months) is already showing a preference to cars and trucks and the like that my dd never showed. I hoped I'd parented them the same but the nursery influence is something I cannot control (though it is a very good nursery).
I'd say just raise him as a person and the rest will come. Being a feminist isn't about being man hating afterall - it's about wanting equality - and that means equality for him as well as for a girl child.

I'm going to look up that Raising Cain book - sounds interesting.

Oh and probably most importantly, be a good model in your life and relationships.

You can talk the talk, but if your actions, or your dp's actions, do otherwise, that will be what your ds learns is right.

Mm I saw just the first bit of your message title and thought it was going to be about how to adjust to being a mother without losing all your equality etc... I just read "Wifework" recently which has really made me think about all that (though I am VERY far from having any answers) - that would have made for an interesting thread!

But then thinking more about it, I suppose the two things are very much related, because he will learn from what he sees you do (or not do) around the house, with him, etc as much as from anything you try to teach him about respecting women and so on.

Am going to come back later and read this thread properly when not meant to be working, as it is all very interesting!