Anti-marital sex conspiracy?

I've noticed this too and I agree it's about a power struggle, but one that is astonishingly self-defeating for women who previously loved sex. Some of it seems to be borne out of resentment that their male partners don't share the load and there is a parent-child dynamic pervading the relationship, but giving out sex as a "reward" for "good behaviour" is simply perpetuating that dynamic and means that women lose out on a source of pleasure.

I agree that these light-hearted conversations are a way of letting off steam about deeper resentments, but this sort of low-level disrespect is actually very damaging to relationships. These conversations rarely portray the real source of the resentment either, or pave the way for honest discussions about how to stop the rot and equalise the power within the relationship.

I might understand why a lazy male partner can kill a woman's libido, but so often, it is about unpicking why a woman is enabling that laziness and thinking that sex is the only "weapon" she has - a weapon that she inversely uses on herself by denying herself a sex life. It is that sort of flawed thinking that I'm interested in challenging.

If it helps, OP, I resolved a long time ago not to join in with conversations like this and to give my contrary experience and point of view. This has on occasions, led to a few private conversations with friends who were intrigued about my different stance on this issue. I don't think it helps at all to collude in these jokey conversations, because it perpetuates it as a new "norm", when it really shouldn't be.

How about a sex strike?

So, in Belgium to you can refuse to have sex and help save the country all at once!

"Do you think it's part of the whole 50s housewife revival? At the cute end, Cath Kidston, at the scary end, repression of women's sexuality?"

I dont think it's that sinister. I think it's just that sex in a long term relationship requires work and there are many factors that get in the way of a good sex life- tiredness, stress, money worries, kids up all night. I think the less you do it, the more platonic the relationship becomes and the harder it becomes to kick start it again.

My pissed anecdotal fact finding (people only admit this stuff when drunk) suggests that most people in 10+ yr relationships are not doing it much at all.

Hmmm

I think it is one of those "girls in-joke" type things - yes it is like rolling your eyes about a man who can't cook baked beans - the same sort of conversation.

I think that these things are "girls in-jokes" to enable women to talk about things that they actually feel bad about, but without having to face up to them. The rolly-eyes about men being useless amongst a group of women enables them to share with other women their frustration that their DH won't cook (or whatever it might be) without having to actually confront it properly. The rolly-eyes about sex serves the same purpose. Women feel guilty if they don't have sex as much as their partner would like, there are various reasons for the guilt. Making a joke out of it with the girls takes the pressure off, normalises it, means they don't have to actually do anything about it.

POssibly... That was a bit off teh top of my head

My Wife married me because she loves me.

I married my Wife because I love her.

It's not a quait set-up with a white picket fence and cookies baking in the oven.

Grabbing company when you want it might suit some but it certainly doesn't suit the majority.

Each to their own ehh?

And also, women are conditioned to believe that having their own sex drive, ANY sex drive, is abnormal and dirty, so when their sexdrive drops, instead of trying to find out why, they just feel relieved.

Domesticity can get you down too. I don't live with my boyfriend, he lives 40 miles away and when he visits, he brings his stuff in a bag. His stuff = not my problem. I always look forward to seeing him, as the only demands he makes on me are for my company.

I think it's tiredness, I really do.

it's far better than spending loads of time on housework and having very little sex

My house-keeping is appalling and I have very little sex.

Not sure what that proves .

actually elephants, I read in Wifework that the more wifey things a woman does for her husband, the less regularly they have sex. It's probably a mix of resentment on the part of the woman, and possibly the man not feeling sexy around a woman who treats him like his mother did (ironing his shirts, making his breakfast etc)
I can see there being some truth in that. It could be that the less housework a woman does, the better her sex life.

Maybe it's a combination of the truth, for some, that their sex drives (or that of their husbands) has plunged as they older, with a more general feeling of resentment. I am wondering if the ones who "don't let" their husbands have sex with them, are also the ones who express "but what can you expect from a man?" type feelings, or have husbands who refuse to participate in childcare/housework?