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Original poster

'That' thread....

114 replies

Janos · 04/02/2011 19:19

You probably know which one I'm referring to.

I have found it very upsetting to read because I have been in an almost identical situation to the OP :(

I was raped by a so called friend - it happened several years ago. I won't go into the details because I find it too upsetting to talk about. Suffice to say it was a bloody horrible experience.

I have been so distressed by some of the attitudes on that thread on that thread, but also heartened (if thats the right word) to read the comments from Rhadegunde, Dittany, IngridBergman, Blinder and others (sorry if have missed anyone out).

I don't feel able to post on there but wanted to say a heartfelt thank you. I'm glad there are women like you out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 04/02/2011 21:30

".. when people insist on snatching away those words and rewriting it to suit their own view of the world, how bloody angry it makes you."

That's just it LadyBiscuit.

Not just for me of course, but for anyone who's been there.

And don't get me started on men who come on those threads to give everyone the benefit of their opinion and then get mightily offended when everyone isn't falling over themselves to agree. It's so breathtakingly arrogant.

OP posts:
Rhadegunde · 04/02/2011 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 04/02/2011 21:24

xposts, night to all Smile

SardineQueen · 04/02/2011 21:23

I'm off to bed now anyway,

Night Janos Smile

LadyBiscuit · 04/02/2011 21:23

I think there's a lot in what Rhadegunde has said and that as someone said, there is a huge amount of wanting the victim to have been at fault because then it means it's less likely to happen to the disbelieving woman. One woman said to me 'well what did you expect? You said he could sleep over and even though you told him you did not want to have sex with you before you both went to bed, it was very difficult for him knowing you were there, asleep'.

WTF? Again, it's that 'all men are animals and it's up to us to control their lust because they are not responsible for their actions' shit.

Sisterly hugs to all those who have been there. I know how shit it is and how hard it is to verbalise. And when people insist on snatching away those words and rewriting it to suit their own view of the world, how bloody angry it makes you.

Original poster
Janos · 04/02/2011 20:54

I appreciate what you are saying SQ and thank you :)

I agree, it took me a long time too - also that people don't know how to react.

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Original poster
Janos · 04/02/2011 20:51

Yes Rhadegunde, I think there's a lot of truth in that - the fear response.

Rape is such a scary and ugly concept - it was something very serious that happened to other people, not me. It is frightening to think about.

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SardineQueen · 04/02/2011 20:50

I don't know I just think that when an OP is obviously wanting to talk about something like this, it's not the time to come in and tell them off.

I'm funny like that Smile

TBH I was somewhere in the middle on that thread - what happened to the OP - whether it was rape or not - who knows. I find it interesting that people won't believe that sometimes women can take a long time to "name" what happened to them - whether that will happen to the OP of that thread or not I have no idea. The reactions are interesting though.

It took me years to name what happened to me. When I told people about it (I told about two people straight afterwards) I didn't name it but I said what happened and they were totally disinterested. People don't know how to react. And so you don't bother telling anyone else. That's what happened to me anyway.

There have been some threads on here that I think have helped people recognise and come to terms with things that have happened to them. Without MN many of those women would never speak to anyone about it in their whole lives, and that's really bad.

Original poster
Janos · 04/02/2011 20:44

I certainly didn't post SQ there, I just couldn't. Some people just delight in kikcing someone when they are down, you know?

I don't feel people are having a go, just expressing their opinions which is par for the course,

I wanted a space to chat about this and express my thoughts.

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Rhadegunde · 04/02/2011 20:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Janos · 04/02/2011 20:37

Coleysworth

X-posted, it's ok :)

SQ - yes, that was awful. The red mist did descend a bit at that point. I shouldn't have read on, but you get drawn in don't you.

Also, a woman is being made responsible for a mans behaviour and told off/chastised for not reacting appropriately.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 04/02/2011 20:35

AFAIK Janos didn't even post on that thread so why is everyone having a go?

Original poster
Janos · 04/02/2011 20:31

Sorry, that came across more abruptly than I intended.

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SardineQueen · 04/02/2011 20:31

I also think it's reasonable for people to talk about how they have been in similar situations and been raped and were upset to read that people thought they were asking for it, without a load of people coming to put the boot in TBH.

There is already another thread for that.

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/02/2011 20:30

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SardineQueen · 04/02/2011 20:29

I thought that the comments on that thread which said that if you invite a man in for coffee then what do you expect were terrible TBH and I'm sorry for anyone who has been in a situation like that and had to read those comments.

I have been in a situation like that too and it wasn't my fault, it was his.

It was not the fault of any of the women who have been attacked by acquaintances.

Coleysworth · 04/02/2011 20:28

I know you weren't looking for sympathy - sorry if my post came across that way. It felt wrong not to acknowledge it before I started moaning about the idiot comments on that thread, iyswim. Sorry Janos

Original poster
Janos · 04/02/2011 20:22

I appreciate the sympathy, thank you, but I didn't start this thread so people would feel sorry for me.

Penelope - perhaps she was. But at the time, I felt devastated. It reinforced the feeling I had of 'I am to blame for this'.

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Coleysworth · 04/02/2011 20:13

Really sorry to hear what happened to you Janos, and my heart goes out to anyone else who found that thread triggering :(

Yes, the thread has been very upsetting to read and thank goodness there are voices of reason on there to counter the shite comments.

I can't understand the attitude of some of the posters on there who think it's somehow more 'caring' to reinforce the OP's initial feeling that she had done something wrong or something to feel ashamed about. I don't understand how those who have said that actually it was the man that did something very wrong can be accused of disrespecting the OP. It's a crazy piece of doublethink Confused

penelopestitsdropped · 04/02/2011 20:06

Do you think, OP, that maybe the counsellor was trying to get you to explore your own feelings surrounding the rape.

I know that it has obviously been percieved by you as a direct accusation but i am sure she wouldn't have meant it in that way.

Counsellors are known to play devils advocate at times in order to help us argue with ourselves. Do you think it may have been that?

penelopestitsdropped · 04/02/2011 20:04

I am often bemused by the attitudes some women on Mn show towards rape.

I did not read that thread because i knew where it was going from the off.

If she had had the definition of rape explained to her many times and yet was still certain that she had not been raped then i agree, it will not have been helpfull to try and convince her otherwise.

But as i say, i didn't read the thread.

TrillianAstra · 04/02/2011 20:03

I agree with Kerry.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but it really doesn't sound like what you experienced was the same situation as the OP of that thread.

That sounds like a shockingly awful counsellor.

Original poster
Janos · 04/02/2011 20:03

Yeah I found it triggering too charitygirl.

The 'if you invited him in its your fault' attitude was just vile. It makes me so, so angry.

nickytwotimes - it was AWFUL. I was so upset I just 'took it' IYSWIM - and at the time I did blame myself (why didn't I let him in, why didn't I realise that was what he wanted etc).

A while afterwards I got up the courage to call rape crisis who were wonderful which made me realise how awful her attitude was. After that I remember thinking OMG how dare she say that to me!

OP posts:
KerryMumbles · 04/02/2011 20:01

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chosenonesparklyglitterybow · 04/02/2011 20:01

TBH it got me thinking about a weird sexual encounter I had when at Uni, I woke up from a drunken slumber to find a lad from my Halls having sex with me!! But....I sort of got into in a drunken/sleepy way. The next morning I woke up, he was gone and I felt shocked/disgusted/confused etc but made myself forget about it until THAT thread, all very unsettling.