'Pushing presents'

dh bought me a huge bouquet and a set of paintings he knew i liked. it made me happy. having dd by crash c section was a terrifying ordeal for both of us. dh bought me things because he felt very helpless during the birth (which i think many men do) and it was his clumsy way of trying to make up for what i went through.

my dh is deeply patronsing toward me about many, many things so don't think i dont understand the concept - he told me off this am for the changing bag (which he doesn't use) being messy - git. however getting presents post birth just made me happy - no feelings of being patronising at all.

but thats me. unlike my dh (meh another story) i believe in owning your own feelings. if you felt patronised by getting birth presents then thats how you felt :-(

Good point with the same sex couples...

It's the thought that counts. And the issue here is what the thought was behind the 'push present' (why do things always sound more vulgar when they have catchy names?)

With DS, my lovely DH made some chicken liver pate and brought it into hospital with a nice plate and some crackers and butter - lovely.

With DD, I wasn't in very long but he had roasted a chicken for me which I devoured when we got home! (Sorry, all food-related - but he knows me well)

So, no eternity rings, no 'reward', but wouldn't have minded those either and I'm sure if the situation was reversed, I would have got him something. In fact, when he looks after the children (not often) for a couple of days when I go away with work, I often bring him back a little something because I am grateful for his efforts.

Not sure what it has to do with feminism - surely it objectifies women more NOT to be grateful to them for the effort of pregnancy and birth. I wonder what same sex couples do, apropos of nothing - if one of them carries and delivers the baby, does the other one buy a 'push present'??

Dittany I think the point is more often than not that the vast majority of people are not spending the sort of money on gifts that would make so much as a dent in a pension fund.

Additionally many woman continue to work after the birth of their children and their incomes are not always affected.

It would be sad to have lots of trinkets and no financial security when men are in a position to offer that but in most cases don't think that is what we are referring to.

dittany, DH's income has been affected as he has had to support 3 DC, plus myself, while I was not working.

Yes, I probably do value him more than he values me. It was one £5 balloon forgodsacke, and he had 3 years warning, and constant reminding. I just wanted 1 balloon to keep me company in hospital during that first day with a newborn.

Yes, I don't think DH values me producing a child as much as I value the production of my children. I think I might go and buy myself a damn nice push present now I'm earning again.

It never even occured to either of us that DH should buy me a present for giving birth. He was in too much shock

"And a ring or a bracelet doesn't really cut it in that context. He's got off cheaply."

Well, I lost a lot of income, yes but so has DH. He's often wistfully looked at material items (friends cars to be precise) and he's known it's be a choice of happy me at home with DC/ or a new car. So although he didn't buy me a push present, he never got off cheaply. Loving me has cost him an awful lot in financial terms.

Well, DH gave me nothing....the midwives got chocolates. I thought they were for me, but oh, no nice big boxes of chocolates for the midwives., (The consultant got nothing, but DH really, really wanted to name DS1 Abdul after him, so that was kind of sweet, but I put my foot down)

With DS2 I asked for a balloon. One of those helium "It's a boy/girl" ones. Just so I could tie it to my hospital bed, but apparently DH thought I was joking.

I gave up with DC 3, gave birth at home,and gave up hope of any acknowledgement of what I, yes I, not we had been through.

But do you know what? If DH had gone through 9 months of pregnancy, episodes of bleeding, five months of throwing up, and was unable to walk for a month before giving birth, and then produced the most adorable, brilliant, amazing little bundle after a 36 hour labour and obviously a huge amount of pain I would buy him a brand new alpha-romeo as a thank you present. I would be very proud of him, and damn bloody grateful.

Of course having given up work for a few years a spare 10 grand swilling around for each birth, (let alone a spare 80k per year for loss of earnings), is a bit harder to find.

More concerned about muddling together to pay school fees, mortgage etc

But yes if dh had a couple of 100k up his sleeve I might ask for a pension fund or something instead of a bracelet.

But it's all shared these days. I don't want dh to waste 2k on something that won't even be that nice.

Haha I did think maybe not the cheese .

"will last a lifetime"

Although perhaps not if it is the cheese you have been craving?!

I do find the symbolism of gifts given at the time of the birth of a baby to be incredibly strong. Even if it is a bracelet,, cheese or beautiful blanket. The association with the birth makes is stronger than anything else, ie for Christmas and will last a lifetime (for me anyway).

Ooh that was long - bee in my bonnet - moi?!

Since woman accept "baubles and trinkets" without much criticism throughout the rest of their lives (birthdays/Christmas/graduations)I am curious as to why there is so much condemnation when one is received in respect of an event which many woman cite as the biggest achievement/best day of their life.

A great deal of the unpleasantness surrounding the concept, starting principally with the vulgar term "push present" has stemmed directly from and is perpetuated by the female media (and by that I mean female journos writing for female magazines). I have lost count of the number of articles about "grubby grabbing yummy mummys who compete (natch) for the biggest rock all at the expense of just being happy" type articles that have been peddaled over the past few years.

They are always derogatory, often spiteful and frequently come across as just another stick with which to beat a woman who doesn't conform to the authors opinion of how a woman should behave: "a sparkly necklace- how shallow! What a dreadful specimen you must be!"

In real life I have never met a woman who either expected or demanded financial recompense for giving birth. I have however met a number of woman who received lovely gifts at the time their DC were born.

The specific reason was often personal and private - from the friend who craved Stilton being given a pot whilst tucked up in bed with the baby, to the friend with a penchant for jewellery who was given a ring made from her sons birthstones.

I understand why some woman would personally not like a particular gift, but I find it difficult to understand why some woman would not like any gift. Asfor the woman thatchoose to get offended about the gifts received by other woman my mind boggles.

lucky to have a partner at all really

Most couples have joint accounts, women have access to and knowledge of finances. Even if they do not earn £.

Many threads on here will have people post 'it's our money'.

So no, that isn't the problem for me.

I wonder what it is. I felt active and in control during the birth and choosing and buying something to celebrate it felt natural. Or maybe the adornment with something pretty but no use.

(Or maybe it's just because the Idea of ewellery doesn't appeal to me.)

"I think there is something there about women being bought off by trinkets and baubles, whilst men keep the wealth to themselves. "