So what if your father was a misogynist bully?

81 replies

roseability · 07/01/2011 14:35

Okay this is a sensitive area for me but I thought it might be relevant in this section.

I had a bullying, abusive adoptive father. I realise now he is a woman hater and I should have heard the alarm bells sooner. He is out of my life now and I am beginning to find my true self and heal from his abuse

I believe this is a feminist issue. Whilst societal patriarchy and inherent sexism is of course a huge issue, I wonder how it affects women when their first male relationship is with a misogynist and a bully.

Some examples - My adoptive father once stated that women who dress provocatively deserve to be raped. He was obsessed by how thin I should be and manipulated me into having my hair cut short. I believe he wanted me to look boyish because when I hit puberty he was threatened by my developing sexuality.

The pregnant form disgusted and terrfied him in equal measure. He told me I was fat repeatedly and forced me to diet. He raged, manipulated and emotionally abused me for years.

As a result I went through a period of disrespecting myself and my body and let men use me. I am sure it is related to my relationship with him

I am fine now! Therapy and a lovely family have healed me. I just wondered how signifcant this issue is for feminism and women's rights. After all if your father is a sexist bully, what chance do you have?

OP posts:

quiddity · 07/01/2011 17:48

My father was a patriarch: he literally saw himself as the head of the family. But that only seemed to grant him mysterious rights, not responsibilities. When my DB and SIL separated he said he had always known she would be a problem because she didn't change her name when they got married, and that was a sign of disrespect to him!
When my mother was abusing me as a teenager and I became anorexic as a result he did nothing to intervene because bringing up children was their mother's business.I excused him for a long time because he didn't actively abuse me, but neglect is just as damaging.
I remember once having a tiny disagreement with him and he started to shout. When my DB came to see what was going on, I tried to explain, but DF shouted, "She's lying! She's lying! Don't listen to her!" Women were not to be trusted.

Sometimes he would ask after various school friends of mine: "Oh, she's a lady doctor! A lady lawyer!" Clearly not the same as proper doctors or lawyers.
When he died he left his house to me because as the "single unmarried mother of three" I had "no real chance of finding a reliable partner." In other words I was a slut and a failure as a woman because I hadn't managed to hold on to a man.
Wonder why I have zero self-esteem...

giyadas · 07/01/2011 16:56

You sound very strong, I'm glad you can see it's his fault not yours. Hope my friend will see it eventually too. It seems such a waste, I think the fact that he's now dead makes it hard for her to let go. She'll never have the opportunity to stand up to him.

Original poster

roseability · 07/01/2011 16:31

oh and guess what, his father was an alcoholic who bullied and beat up his wife

OP posts:

Original poster

roseability · 07/01/2011 16:28

That is sad about your friend giyadas. I often wonder how I survived to become the person I am today. I mean it still has lingering effects, but I am basically strong and whole. I went through a phase of allowing myself to be used by men but somehow saw what it was doing to me. I met my dh who is the opposite of my adoptive father.

My adoptive mother never backed me up. But then he has literally mentally abused away her very soul and she is also a shell of a woman. I have a suspicion he sexually abused me as well. In that he was definately inappropiate in my teens at times and a troubling memory from earlier in my childhood.

I see now so very clearly that he is a woman hater. I also believe that general misogyny and patriarchy allows this kind of abuse to continue and affect generation after generation

I met him at a wedding recently for the first time in over a year. I walked up and looked him right in the eye, something I had never done. I was polite but my body language, every inch of it read 'you can't bully me anymore'. He looked right through me as if I didn't exist but he knew I had changed. It felt so empowering and he looked so pathetic and small. Only a system flawed would allow a man like that to wreak the havoc he has done on me and my family. It s definately a feminist issue and feminism has been part of the driving force I needed to stand up to this bastard

OP posts:

giyadas · 07/01/2011 15:26

My friends dad was a misogynistic bully, and she listened to and internalized every hateful attitude. He used to comment on her body, compare her to page 3 girls and ridicule her because he thought her boobs weren't big enough.
She dismisses every feminist pov that's put to her even though I have never met anyone who would benefit fron it as much as she would.
Her mum never backed her up either. She's a shell of the person she could be.
He's dead now but still has a devastating effect on her day to day existence. Men like that disgust me, and so do the people that enable their behaviour. The damage they can do should never be underestimated.

dittany · 07/01/2011 15:08

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