What does someone actually mean when they say "I'm not a feminist"?

Just got back in

mj that's a question that I'll have a go at as I'm sort of the other way around. How I feel about it is that it may well be the case that more women than men feel that intense nurturing feeling that you describe. The problem arises when society then takes that, and says things like: That that is how all women must feel, and if they don't there's something wrong, that women are intrested in babies and men should go out and provide so let's set all the systems up around that, that sort of thing. And of course that women's earning power and promotion prospects are affected disproportionately by any time out for children.

From a personal perspective, in my relationship, DH is totally soppy over babies and extraordinarily patient and just loves the whole thing, while I find it harder work TBH. So for us, it would have been better if we could have done the leave/who goes part time stuff differently. But at the moment there are lots of barriers for people who want to do what is not "the norm".

So for me, it's about the idea that while the woman might want to be at home with the children, things are altered so that she doesn't effectively have to be. And this would be a bonus for all of the men who yearn for more time with their children.

That's my take on it anyway

Oh - sorry, I am getting it now - I don't want to give the impression DH does nothing. He is a wonderful father and husband (very close to his mother who held the fort when father walked out into the arms of another woman). I just meant that I shouldn't make assumptions that some jobs are his and some are mine.

We always discuss plans and I feel very much that we are equally responsible for childcare and parenting. When I have to go away for work it is invariably him that organises the extra childcare that he needs.

We have OK help but are budgetting at the moment so can't really afford too much more.

I would really like to tackle the sexism within the industry I work in. I don't know anyone who is interested in doing this though. The senior women (none at board level in my company :( ) all claim that making an issue out of it only makes it worse (those women are unmarried and past childbearing age). Best just that we all get on with it.

I was told recently that "2010 went very well, we were happy with your work and 2011 looks set to go well with the systems we have put in place - just don't go and have another baby as that will really upset things"

I think it wasn't aimed specifically at you, mjinsparklystockings. I have seen some people come onto the feminist boards knowing that they are posting a viewpoint directly in conflict with many of the aims on the board.
But sometimes it's hard to tell when a spat begins and it's between regular posters who all consider themselves feminists, and it oversteps the boundaries of what I consider to be reasonable argument and becomes personalised.
Insults are usually offered from a very subjective viewpoint in whatever situation they are given, and the giver usually considers it to be an accurate description and true.
I tend to avoid engaging with posters whom I know I am likely to find no common ground with, wherever I am posting. To be at loggerheads is not useful for either poster.

I wrote - "The insult might actually be true, of course."

MisSalToeKisses wrote - "I rest my case and will leave you to it."

I hope you don't think that I am condoning insults, because I'm not. Also, I am not saying that because an insult is true (i.e. factually accurate), it is any less of an insult.

I don't see how my comment can lead to you "resting your case".

Yes - going back to work when DD was 8 weeks old was a mistake, for me definitely. DD so far has no ill effects. I would like to take my full entitlement next time round (but have already been gently warned not to do it this year as it was a bit of a disruption last time round, in 2010).

Yes, my DH does a lot - I would say everything is pretty equal in our household. Although I have 'volunteered' him to cook one night a week for the next year, (a meal which must be made from scratch and must include one vegetable :o )

Thank you for reading!

MisSalToesKiss - I posted the d) (men hater one) and did not mean to be insulting to other women, but frankly if you read other threads in this section that is exactly the perspective that is presented by some people with regards to some feminists. It almost certainly isn't true of all women, but is an arguement that is used. I would not label any other woman as stupid or vain or whatever, but see people on these threads take amazing amounts of abuse for their stance.