So if all potential rapists just need the provocation of a woman....

hi, Cailin

Just wanted to let you know, I meant what I said last night. Will be around this evening and/or tomorrow on/off all day. If I don't hear from you, that is fine too.

I agree with you about keeping it in and deep down i long to get it out but i suppose i don't want to have to go through the process of saying the words. Maybe I'll be able to type it as AF has suggested.

Sometimes they made me sad and sometimes they made me angry (at rapists, the 'system', victim-blamers) and sometimes depressed. But always - always - these feelings were outweighed by the sheer joy of watching someone liberate themselves from the torture that is usually involved in living with this on your own.

My general experience is that keeping it inside gives it a power that it doesn't deserve. Many survivors feel that their anger and grief is so huge, so overwhelming that if they let it out the world will shatter into tiny pieces and they will be destroyed. It isn't true (duh!). But in the meantime it takes a lot of energy to keep it bottled up.

Of course you may not be feeling this at all but I do know this - you deserve better. I'm not going to pretend that it's a breeze to seek help and that the effects will be instantaneous but for most women it is a relief beyond words to put down that burden and walk away.

i feel like I'd be taking resources from recent victims who are really suffering

Just so you know, the majority of women who go to Rape Crisis are dealing with what is called 'historic rape' - a significant proportion are dealing with childhood experiences.

Thanks josephine.

Did the stories you heard bother you a lot?

@ Cailin: I couldn't ask anyone to listen to that

I do understand what you mean but just wanted to contribute another perspective. When I worked for Rape Crisis I saw it as an absolute privilege to perform the task of bearing witness to what had previously been unsayable. I considered it such an amazing gift of trust to be told - not a burden at all.

I would wish you all the strength you need to deal with this but I don't think you need it. Surviving until now must have taken so much courage and determination that I know you already have the strength you need to deal with this stage too.

Goodnight :)

of course, whatever works for you

sleep well x

That is such a kind offer AF, I'm blown away. Really.

Tomorrow is hectic but i will pm you on Monday, if that's ok? Thank you

I know what you mean about not knowing what you need

cailin, I have an offer for you

no pressure, if you don't take it up it will be erased from my memory banks (not difficult...)

I am around tomorrow pm approx 1-4pm

then all day on and off Monday (my day off from work)

my pm box is open and I am available for long chats of whatever works for you

if you wanted to do it now that is fine, but I won't reply until tomorrow because I am off to bed

and if you don't, we can compare rape crisis calls in a couple of weeks

I'm honestly not sure. I think i need it all not to be a dirty shameful secret anymore.

what do you think you need ?

Someone simply to listen/read ?

I don't mean to sound so defeatist it's just that trying to talk about it has never worked out well.

It honestly feels like no one can help me. There is just too much there.

I never registered that, never would

I see. You need to talk with immidiate feedback.

Counselling via your GP ?

I get that has a time delay too, it can take weeks. Can be a bit hit and miss too, depending on the skill of the counsellor

I think all the stuff on MN at the moment has prompted some needs for support

God i just read that back and it sounds so wrong. I didn't mean to imply what happened to you is nothing in comparison to what happened to me.

*heck

Yeah that might be better although the lack of immediate feedback might be hard. If i could do a webchat sort of thing that would be good but i doubt that's available. My worry is that i get into all this Shit and without proper help i wont be able to get back out.

I just don't know how strong i really am. But then i think there's some proper horrific Shit in my brain and it would be good to scoop it out.

Check being raped as an adult seems nothing in comparison.

maybe email them ?

God knows. I would have to ring at the weekend. Probably a busy time. When I've tried to talk before I've gone sort of weird. I'm not sure i can face that.

I have it planned

I will call at a quiet time

perhaps 2pm on a tues? The kids will be at school, dh at work, I can mop my kite up before they come home

when is a "quiet" time for offloading this stuff ?

when's a good time ?

Yes maybe. I've never really considered calling them i feel like I'd be taking resources from recent victims who are really suffering. But i suppose they're the obvious choice.

Rape Crisis ?

I will call them soon, I think

I know myself

I don't think they would betray you again

They are understaffed, underfunded, but iIhaven't heard they are undertrained

The thought of being betrayed again is a big fear.

I think I'm getting there too. It would help i think even just to talk about the adult rape.