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Original poster

The demonisation of single mothers.

336 replies

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 02/12/2010 06:52

Hi,

I've ended up talking about this in various threads but have never dedicated a thread to it.

So, i'm looking for your thoughts. How do we see this in action? What are the views of single mothers? How are they propagated? Why are they propagated and why do they attract such demonisation?

I'd also like to hear about where you think the feminist vision saw single mothers, did it predict their would be more given the increased freedom women would have in their lives and their ability to leave male partners or choose to not have one without being financially or socially (though that hasn't held true entirely compared to 1960's it's at least possible to live this way) ruined?

Is women being able to have children alone a part of the feminist outcome - if women have more control over their bodies and reproduction surely it was an inevitable outcome? And is it in your mind a positive or negative thing in terms of feminism?

I'm actually going away for a few days now but hope this will attract lots of thoughts for me to read when i get back.

As for me, to put this in context, i am a single mother of a pre school boy. When i found out i was pregnant (unplanned) at 30 i decided that i was happy to be and wanted to keep the baby but that i didn't want to stay in the problematic relationship with the father. Therefore i've been a single parent from the outset.

I have framed this as about single mothers rather than single parents as it is my experience that single fathers are seen very differently, imo as heroes and glorified whereas single mothers get the demonisation treatment in popular culture.

Look forward to reading your thoughts.

OP posts:
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groyer · 09/08/2019 20:03

Pearl clutching. Comment was entirely within the guidelines.

ChattyLion · 09/08/2019 18:27

It feels like now less people in society use religion as a basis for slating single mothers, that the massive commercialisation of so many aspects of our lives has taken up the cudgels instead. So I think some of the stigma against single mothers, is because women parenting alone tend (not all) to have relatively less income coming in to support their family compared to single fathers or couples parenting together. This can then be read across into all sorts of other prejudices about class, money, sex, race, you name it.

JackyHolyoake · 09/08/2019 17:41

So why is she demonised, whilst we pretend that he doesn’t even exist?

In a word, misogyny.
The glue that binds the patriarchy.

AngelsSins · 09/08/2019 17:39

What gets me is that for every single mother out there, there is a single (ok sometimes they may have married or gotten into a relationship) father. Not living with your kids doesn’t suddenly mean you aren’t a parent. Yet those single fathers, 9/10 times are doing far less to support and raise their kids than the mother is. So why is she demonised, whilst we pretend that he doesn’t even exist?

groyer · 09/08/2019 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

radfemfictionred · 09/08/2019 14:07

crap sorry

BernardBlacksWineIceLolly · 09/08/2019 14:05

Although it’s nice to see SGB posting actual feminism about actual women back in the day Star

BernardBlacksWineIceLolly · 09/08/2019 14:04

This thread is 9 years old

What’s with all the zombie reanimating today??

radfemfictionred · 09/08/2019 13:59

Haven't read the whole thread but I agree with @Sakura's first post.

Single mums, especially happy single mums, do represent a threat to patriarchy.

I'm a single mum, studying & working two jobs I like, and have enough funds for small disposable income (although I would still be classed as low earning) and have a small home. I'm insanely busy and tired but I've never been happier. I feel totally independent but I have my own family, as well as being intellectually fulfilled. If I date again one day it will purely based on the person, rather than a judgement on how good a father or provider they could be - it won't be because I need them, for a family, finances or fulfilment. I feel this is genuinely empowering.

The main problem single mums face is financial issues I think. Decent welfare provision for children and universal free childcare should be at the centre of any feminist movement.

GrassAndDaisies · 09/08/2019 13:37

.

Original poster
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2010 19:21

sorry pushka but people do tend to question and contextualise people's post - it isn't done to be offensive it's just what discussion looks like.

i don't think anyone was trying to twist what you said but to challenge where they saw the problems with the point of view you expressed in the context of what society is like and what choices are and are not available to women.

did you read what i wrote to you?

OP posts:
LittlePushka · 07/12/2010 19:15

Sakura; 10.40 am, you once again completely twist my port. I was not saying anything like the things you say. At no point did I mention misogeny and at no point did I say ignore it. i thought I had explained very simply what my point was, twice- it does not need your further (erroneous) elaboration or implied application.

I'm out.

Original poster
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2010 18:58

tbh as a teacher the boys of decent single mum's seemed very responsible, emotionally mature and accountable, they stood out as such.

obviously there were boys who behaved atrociously from single parent homes, they behaved just as atrociously as those raised by married parents with similar education and money and from the same areas.

so maybe mum's raise their boys to be lazy by letting their husbands be lazy or propogating the idea they are to be serviced by servicing their fathers in front of them.

OP posts:
TheFeministParent · 07/12/2010 18:56

And no comments about my apostrophes!!

TheFeministParent · 07/12/2010 18:54

CAreful with those stereotypes, afterall it's mother's that get blamed for raising lazy boys!!

ISNT · 07/12/2010 18:43

I do love your posts SGB!

Original poster
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2010 18:41

oh no! not Giving Other Women Ideas! Grin

it's so true though sgb. take the man out of the house and it's far easier to keep. buy clothes well and there's very little ironing to do (i suspect an ironed shirt was some kind of a badge to show you had a woman serving you - frigging ridiculous items of clothing and if all men had to iron them themselves i'm sure they'd think about polo shirts or sweaters or something). treat a house with respect and there's not much cleaning to do and it's light work. rinse the bath out when you use it it doesn't need scrubbing away at at the weekend etc etc etc.

it's easier.

and emotionally it's easier. i seem to read so much on here of women who essentially have another child to take care of by being married.

a lot of it will be about the fact that we're supposed to service men and we as single mum's are living proof that there are other options and they don't have to mean you're childless.

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StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 18:31

You know, a lot of this is about men expecting women to do the domestic shitwork. Housework and sex as well as childrearing is what sexist men see women as being 'for' - the deal is that the man provides the money, the woman does everything domestic and child-related, because 'she's not a person'.
So single mums are getting out of doing so much housework (because sexist men not only make more mess but insist it's cleared up more often) and don't have to submit to sex in order to keep a man happy - they can choose. Patriarchal men want women to be dependent on men because that's the only way women can be compelled to serve men, and women who don't need or want a man in their lives are Giving Other Women Ideas.

Original poster
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2010 18:12

one thing. i'm always a bit sad when single mum's feel the need to differentiate themselves. it plays along with the idea that essentially single mum's are bad, feckless, immoral dole bludgers but i'm different see because it's not my fault.

it's like saying well i'm black but i don't steal cars - implying black people usually steal cars. i'm a single mum but i work. i'm a single mum but my husband left me so it's not my fault (it's not a sin anyway). i'm a single mum but my partner was abusive so i had to be.

it's not something to apologise for and doing so is part of the demonisation.

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 07/12/2010 18:10

yes. it's very much targetting the blame on the person doing the right thing.

and actually the man is receiving welfare if his child is receiving welfare. again this idea they're her kids not his if he chooses to bugger off and he has no responsibility to them fiscally. but if he wants to see them he has 'rights' god damnit and those rights must be adhered to.

they never say your child has the right for you to pay this and turn up at these times. money and access are considered seperately and the father is not obliged to see his child at all if he doesn't want to.

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TheFeministParent · 07/12/2010 17:14

Lou....A woman cannot 'abandon' her children like a man can without being accused of being a cold, heartless, bitch. I know a few women who have had children with men who have already left one family in the lurch with little or no contact. I can't imagine a woman leaving one lots of children and then going on to have another.

loubeedoo · 07/12/2010 13:48

Would also like to point out that the father has made a song and dance about seeing his child, being denied access, how evil I am, how evil the CSA are etc. Yet has not taken this further re courts and access and the CSA have been unable to get any maintenance from him. (see earlier post about abuse).

Sorry, my vision may be clouded about fathers and the demonisation of single mums from my own experience,

loubeedoo · 07/12/2010 13:42

haven't read all the posts, but have to agree single parents are demonised.

I'm 34, mum to 2 boys (14 & 5), and work full time. I do not claim any benefits apart from Child Benefit.

I'm a single mother through choice. I refused to stay in abusive (mental and emotional) realtionships for the sake of my sons.

Whilst they don't always appreciate the things they have or the lack of quality time we have they know that I work hard for them to have all the things they need and may want.

When I started a course several years ago, people were horrified that a single mum could work full time and study for a degree. They expected me to be claiming all kinds of benefits and having umpteen kids.

What about mothers who leave their children with other family or fathers. Why are they not demonised as much as single mothers?
(playing devils advocate here)

Miggsie · 07/12/2010 13:27

I think you may find there are quite a lot of absent fathers on welfare.

Even worse, absent fathers earning decent money who contribute zero to their kids and leave it to the state to pick up the tab.

Or, in my friend's case, a father who contributes nothing, grudgingly sees his child once a week and tells said child "if your mum remarries then I won't consider you my son any more."
She is divorcing this real catch, and apparently, she should pay him maintenance as she earns more than him, he says, omitting to notice she has all 4 kids, including his son by a previous marriage who isn't biologically hers.

Is it the fact that men can't stand women noticing they are shits and leaving a dreadful marriage/relationship?

Sakura · 07/12/2010 13:24

all responsibility no rights is what mothers get, not just single mothers