Debriefing: a wedding

Mine was cream, I was 26 (a mere child), I was living with DH and I was given away (although not really, as I had already scuttled off to stand next to dh as poor old dad was left still saying I do)

Do I count as lovely?

Yes Maisie I have a saying the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage. Two adults who are mutally deciding to spend their life together IMO do n't tend to make an enormous fuss. Most people will live together first so its not like the famillies don't know each other already. FWIW I think white dresses and being given away is lovely if you arse
a)less than 25

b)a bone fida virgin
and c)Living with your parents

Obviously not dh's male mates in white frocks on their dads' arms. I meant their ladywives. Although it would break the patriachal model too.

Agree Fluffles.

Because they are shallow?

It depends if you confuse the cost of the wedding with it's meaning. For some, the wedding day becomes more important than the marriage, but for many more it's a joyous, happy occasion where family and friends come together to celebrate the start of the marriage.

Purit's post was spot on. Enjoy the day for what it is - be happy for your friend/s, and if the day isn't what you would want, well then do it differently when/if you decide to get married. Just remember howeverr that there will be women there who will be pulling cats bum mouths and analysing everything you do and everything you say - just as on here (albeit whilst hiding behind the veil (geddit) of feminism v. the evils of a patriarchial society which forces or brainwashes intelligent women to give up their identities at the alter)

Many people don't enjoy their wedding day, and I think that it's probably because they're trying to please people other than themselves... their parents - letting them invite people they don't want there. Society - putting on the big show that's expected of them. Or just letting the minute details get on top of them and stressing if things aren't perfect. The people who don't enjoy their wedding are the ones who are too focussed on the actual physical wedding, instead of what it's about and why everyone is there.

I don't think that has much to do with feminism though. Or maybe it does, since the women will generally be more invested in how the day itself goes, while the man is just there to marry the women he loves and get pissed (which imo is the right attitude!)

So patriarchal traditions aside (which I don't think anyone takes seriously any more) - why are some women so caught up in the appearance of the day that they miss out on the real meaning of it?

misery-fest? A bit harsh methinks. I love weddings but often can't help thinking as I sit down in the country house hotel (yawn) and gaze at the 30+ year old bride on her dad's arm what on earth has possesed this normally sane woman, to go through all this at the cost of thousands of pounds, how can it be worth it ?. This isn't helped by the fact it tends to be dh's mates (male) who go in for these shenanigins

as far as i'm aware almost every society has some sort of celebration when people form into couples for the purpose of creating and raising children.

i think that feminism should not confuse this desire to celebrate lifelong 'formal' partnership in public with the patriarchal elements that many (most?) cultures have introduced.

when we got married, it was less about us than it was about our parents!
we had services that were chinese and church of England.
When we went for our marriage courses with the vicar she asked why we were getting married. I said because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, her answer was - you can do that without getting married
So I said, because we wanted to have children and she rather sarcastically said we could also do this without being married.
DH then pipped up - because we want to make a public declaration of our love. For our vicar that was the right answer.

I got my knickers in a twist about him being a groom and me being a bride (sounded to me like horse and rider.) I did not say obey, I did make a small speech. But for us getting married wasn't about the day, it was about living together as man and wife for the rest of our lives. Bound together in a relationship that will experience the highs and lows that we will encounter together.

sounds schmaltzy but tis true.

I find the whole 'wedding fever' thing really scary. Spending a year or more planning your wedding? FFS, get a life.

Harsh, but I really do feel this way.

I am glad for you Annie ( i think) but I an awful lot of women who put so much in to this one day, that it inevitably dissapoints them, in a thousand tiny ways and they end up feeling let down and dispondent afterwards. Yes I had a great time at my wedding but the best day of my life, not even close

Well said, Annie. I had a fabulous day: got to dress up and had with a big party for all the people in my life that I loved and loved me. What's not to like?

Are you the same bunch who wonder why people today don't like to call themselves 'feminist'? If the rest of the world thinks that I am lumped in with this miserable lot then I am seriously considering handing back my membership. How can you twist such a joyous occasion into this misery-fest?

it was a pretty bloody good day - probably the best day of my life so far - because of the presence of so many friends and family and the genuine love from everybody.
sort of like christmas with family but about 10x more due to both families and all friends being there and all there in good spirits for a celebration

Oh, and it was a great day, but it wasn't the best day of my life.

I agree that the traditional wedding is dull, archaic and slightly farcical (virginal white dresses on 35 yr old go-ers; wedding lists asking for crockery from couples who have been living togetehr for 10 years etc etc etc)

But weddings don't have to be like that.

We decided to get married (mutually - no big proposal, engagement or ring).

We got married in a registry office with our mums as witnesses.

Me and my mum made speeches at the dinner afterwards (nobody else).

Then we got pissed.

Why did you friend - this successful, beautiful, intelligent woman - want the whole meringue dress fairytale? I'd be interested to know.

Our wedding was the best day of our lives. And we both feel that way. We were surrounded by hundreds of people who loved us and were wishing us happiness.

Other days have been nearly as brilliant, and I'm sure others in the future will be too. I'm not expecting a lifetime of disappointment now because my wedding is over.

But that feeling of so many people who I love so dearly, going to so much effort to come together to wish us happiness - nothing yet has ever beaten it.

Best day of her life.......another thing I will never understand, really ? The very best day, surely , there will be other things in your life equally able to give you pleasure. It is terribly sad to see your wedding day as the peak of your happiness, what happens next ? A great big fat let down thats what

we married last month in a registry office, no 'giving away' no 'obeying', arrived together with our witnesses in a taxi, no white dress, bouquet or bridesmaids.

BIG party for reception with lunch and ceilidh, speeches by DH (said nice stuff about me), me (said thanks to all our guests and a little bit nice about him) and DH's best mate (said nice things about both of us, wasn't all about DH).

i can't see any way at all in which our wedding was male-dominated. everybody said it was very 'us' which is good as none of the usual traditions would be very 'us'.

I think people do compare engagement rings. I've never got any of that, ever. I don't have an engagement ring and though I have a wedding ring (dh doesn't) I don't wear it. (Oh and I wore a blue dress.)

I find all the baggage surrounding marriage and weddings really quite odd. I don't know if I'm just a product of culture, in that we now have a notion of romantic love - I like marriage as a private expression of love. Funnily enough, dh says the same, and he's a particularly unromantic man, and also quite a good feminist, especially lately. We both loathe the modern wedding and have got ourselves into trouble with dh's brother and SIL, who see it as a chance for a party and a coming-together of friends for a good reason - and certainly nothing to do with chattel-passing or ownership or conspicuous wealth.

So anyway, that's how I/we personally have got round the creepiness of the imagery of many weddings: by getting married for our own reasons (which btw haven't had many people in real life nodding vigorously and saying 'oh yes I quite agree') and doing it in the sparest, least public ways possible.

Oh, x-post! Sorry vezzie but you really wound me up.

vezzie - then I will apologise for my overly snippy response to your over-snippiness. Friends?